Are We Most Often Taken For Granted

[Mr Lee]

I wonder if others have found the same thing, as I have with our family. Rarely, but it has happened on occasion, has anyone said thank you to my wife or I for the things we have done for them. I know of two nieces who have and one brother whose life I believe I saved, and I am having a hard time remembering anyone else, yet we have helped many. I sent 6 kids to college and only one graduated and he is now working in the middle east, yet none have said thank you and even he has never once said thank you or ever tried to contact us since his graduation where I bought him a gold college ring to signify that he had made it to become a professional. He did not say thank you then and I doubt he ever will, yet if it were not for me, he would have ended up a fisherman like his father or worse. We have paid for quite a few medical emergencies, and not once has the people who got the money or their families sent us a letter, email or text thanking us. While it does my heart good to help the poor and especially those in our family, I often wonder why I even bother or bothered, and to tell the truth I get more thanks and appreciation from those we have taken under our wing, than most of our own family. Has the same happened to you? Why do they have the attitude that it is coming to them? So while I have found most Filipino people to be loving and kind, why do they have such a hard time saying thank you?

[Steve & Myrlita]

That is a very good question my friend. It seems like it is the entitlement mindset that seems to come from the culture that it is the "Rich Foreigner's" obligation to support the whole family of the spouse. Remember that old saying, "When you marry a Filipina you marry her whole family?" Sometimes I wonder if that is coming into play or not. My family here has been very good for the most part. We have one who asks more than the others but he has gotten better once Myrlita & I set him straight.

[Jake]

Interesting topic Kuya. I don't remember any of my relatives or friends saying thank you without hesitation. Of course, they would say it in Tagalog and often show their abundant hospitality for being grateful. Steve made an excellent point about the feeling of "entitlement", even though they upgraded their status with the help of a nearby Kano. Perhaps, they have said thank you to your wife without your knowledge. Out in theprovince however, social grace or etiquette is not normally taught in school or reinforced by parents. Stevemade another good point about re-educating the ungrateful/greedy ones. I believe that is where the wife orGF should "communicate" her feelings about little things that would upset you. After all, she may not beaware of this and consider it a no big deal because of her own upbringing. One thing I did find a bit different about Filipino social behavior. Such as this phrase: Ayaw ko or Ayoko.It is a common response of being offered something (like food) and he/she declines the offer. It literallymeans "I don't want it", rather than saying in Tagalog equivalent, "no thank you". Oh well, one of manyculture difference that we must learn to accept and adapt to. Respectfully -- Jake

[Dave Hounddriver]

I can take the lack of thanks. Its total ingratitude that makes me clench up. A while back. one of Dona's cousins contacted her to ask for 400 pesos because her kids needed to eat and her husband was off working and not sending her money. This kind of request is handled with a 'sure, how would you like the money sent' when it is a one time thing. Its a small amount. I did not expect thanks. Next time Dona went to visit her family she came home sadder but wiser. That same cousin had been badmouthing her about how cheap she was. Although the cousin had asked for 400, that was her way of expecting Dona to say: Oh that's not enough, please take 4,000. Of course that did not happen so we are therefore cheap or 'niggard' is the word they like to use. Unfortunately, these kinds of incidents happen so often that Dona has distanced herself from her family. I have repeatedly told her how important family is and how she should expect these kinds of things but she has learned so much of my western point of view . . . and I am not sure that is a good thing.

[Art2ro]

Interesting topic Kuya. I don't remember any of my relatives or friends saying thank you without hesitation. Of course, they would say it in Tagalog and often show their abundant hospitality for being grateful. Stevemade an excellent point about the feeling of "entitlement", even though they upgraded their status with thehelp of a nearby Kano. Perhaps, they have said thank you to your wife without your knowledge. Out in theprovince however, social grace or etiquette is not normally taught in school or reinforced by parents. Stevemade another good point about re-educating the ungrateful/greedy ones. I believe that is where the wife orGF should "communicate" her feelings about little things that would upset you. After all, she may not beaware of this and consider it a no big deal because of her own upbringing. One thing I did find a bit different about Filipino social behavior. Such as this phrase: Ayaw ko or Ayoko.It is a common response of being offered something (like food) and he/she declines the offer. It literallymeans "I don't want it", rather than saying in Tagalog equivalent, "no thank you". Oh well, one of manyculture difference that we must learn to accept and adapt to. Respectfully -- Jake

Why try to adapt or accept their ways? It's much easier just to ignore them and their ways and go about and do other things with those who are much less selfish and more appreciative towards us! Yes, as I always say, "It's always a matter of money"! It's all about attitude(one's unselfish giving nature or gullible nature) and how deep one's pockets are! Granted if one has no money problems and can give everyone in their extended family his/her hard earned money, your extended family circle will see you in a different light, where you are their savior and will cherish the ground you walk on, but if all of your extended family knows that one is without worth and a dead beat, they will see you in a different light also and talk (gossip) badly about you behind your back! As Jake always says, we get no respect, especially when we don't have any money to give! :kidding:

[Garpo]

I get pretty chapped with my wifes family not because they get upset with me for being so cheap but because of how then treat her when it is not her fault. Before I even came to the Philippines and married a filipina I received some very good advice from a retired navy man and expat that has been living in the Philippines for over 20 years. He told me that he has learned that it is ok to lend money but only if it is paid back. If the money is not paid back then no more loans until the original amount is paid back. If asked to help because of no food, college tuition, medical care, etc. etc. etc. He gave me great advice when he told me to always buy what is needed and never just give money. If they need food then my wife and I will buy food and take it to them or have them meet us at the market. If need money for college tuition then we will go directly to the school and pay the fees. Same goes for medical care, we will go directly to the hospital or doctor and pay the fees but not just give the money and expect it to be put towards what ever the reason was that the help was asked for. This does not make them happy and they still call me cheap but they get over it pretty fast. Especially as soon as they need more help. Best advice I can suggest is to never take things to personal. You are going to be taking advantage of but by setting some ground rules you can limit it.

[Dave Hounddriver]

Best advice I can suggest is to never take things to personal. You are going to be taking advantage of but by setting some ground rules you can limit it.

Its good advice. I follow it. Next step is to realize our wives are a different story. I don't take things personally but she does and it gets to me when her family put her in the middle. One of the things we did that caused friction is to change the 'ground rules'. My wife was getting upset when she found out that money she gave to a needy family member (white haired aunty) was being secretly given to her deadbeat nephew's wife. Aunty was eating rice and sugar so dead beat could drink, knowing aunty would feed his wife. Ahh what a wicked web. So my wife decided to only give food to aunty. No cash. Well aunty is the family matriarch and you don't do that without extreme repercussions. Oh well. I would have kept the old system going as it kept everyone happy but my wife chose to rock this boat. Now she is paying be being ostracized as a cheapskate.

[Garpo]

I agree with Dave in that it is usually our wives that have to pay the price. There has been more than one time that I have found my wife with tears in her eyes only to find out that she had been hurt by something that one of her family members had said or done just for the purpose of hurting her. since they know that I am pretty thick skined and I don't really gives a rats ass if they say something bad about me. For some reason as mad or upset they may get with us, they still seem to come back asking for more the next time they need help, and then they wonder why we just say no whenever possible. Another trick I learned was when being asked to lend money if I say that I would if I could but other family member has not paid me back but as soon as they do then I will be happy to help you out. Seems to help put pressure on paying loans back.

[piglett]

my wife's youngest brother just turned 18he is in college & my wife & i are paying for his tuition which is fine with mei would rather pay now than have him sleeping on my livingroom couch when he is 30 he once said to my wife"you & your husband are paying for my schooling but at some point i will have to pay you back"my wife told him no all we ask is that you help our parents (my in-laws) in the province when needed.he thought this was a great deal & had a big smile on his face. piglett

[sonjack2847]

Best advice I can suggest is to never take things to personal. You are going to be taking advantage of but by setting some ground rules you can limit it.

Its good advice. I follow it. Next step is to realize our wives are a different story. I don't take things personally but she does and it gets to me when her family put her in the middle. One of the things we did that caused friction is to change the 'ground rules'. My wife was getting upset when she found out that money she gave to a needy family member (white haired aunty) was being secretly given to her deadbeat nephew's wife. Aunty was eating rice and sugar so dead beat could drink, knowing aunty would feed his wife. Ahh what a wicked web. So my wife decided to only give food to aunty. No cash. Well aunty is the family matriarch and you don't do that without extreme repercussions. Oh well. I would have kept the old system going as it kept everyone happy but my wife chose to rock this boat. Now she is paying be being ostracized as a cheapskate.

Don`t bite the hand that feeds you springs to mind here I wonder how they would like it if you gave them no money? Anyway this is not just a thing here it happens in my home country as well.My friend won the lottery about 12 years ago and peoples attitude was he has money he can afford it and when they borrowed money tried not to pay it back. I think if people are not happy with what you give don`t give them anything, would they be happier?