The Polite Way To Say No To Filipino Family Members

[Ashanti]

Ok examples I pay for schooling and they would ask for money 2 or 3 times a year i found out later the cost was far lower in fact the one brother had a full scholarship . I told the one brother I would help pay for university IF I could help him pick what course (like a IT course) of course he said later I want to be a seaman and Mama told me it was 50,000 pesos per semester and there where 6 semesters a year . Mama asked if they could borrow(Bahahha) money for a side car so Papa could work 10,000 pesos soon turned into 100,000 because he also needed a new motorcycle . They said i could build a small room on the back of the house to live priced it out at 30,000 p after giving 10,000 they had bought 200 blocks and needed more money .End of project

Tons of other small things My wife is good she knows her Mama is money crazy and tells me don,t give but I do want to help but the family does not appreciate any thing I do give its never enough if I give 1000 p they need 10,000

And they think I,m stupid like I will never check to see what the real price of stuff is . Now I pay every thing directly no money to Mama at all.. the doctor in town is a great guy and knows I will pay him for treatment directly same as the dentist .

im sorry to say your in laws are bloodsuckers .................... i think you should stop playing the generous foreigner unless it is a genuine emergency and toughen out what ever they say to you. Regardless, how bad they are saying against you - you can bet when they need something badly they will still come running.

The point is, they are still young, come a time when they are old and infirm or a real emergency - then you would be in a pickle, as you would likely be the only one they can turn to for help. And your wife wont be able to forsake them. Better for you to save the money now and set it aside for emergency.

my mothers sister come running to my mother becasue her young grandson had a fever with a very high temperature and was shaking badly. She was in tears with worry and wringing her hands. My mother had given her P500 pesos to bring the boy to the doctor. 2x days later my mother asked her sister on hows the grandson doing. The sister said he is fine. but later my mother found out that instead of bringing the boy to the doctor, her sister bought him a biogesic tablet and the rest of the money she used to play mahjong.............. :rolleyes:

[sonjack2847]

What we all have to say to ourselves is I worked hard for many years for the money I have . Why should I give it away just because I have more than them. Before you give any money just check what it is really for. If it is for the Doctor go with them and pay the bill. If it is for school check the school fees. If they call you names behind your back do you really care maybe it will stop other family members from asking.

I worked construction for 35 years and now suffer because of the hard physical work so I am not going to give my money away yes if it is an emergency but as JR said I will ask first who else is helping and check how much and what it is for.

I know that it can wreck some people with the constant demand for money but you have to harden up. If you give out all the available money and they waste it what will happen in an emergency.

I am lucky I guess because I have had no requests so far but I feel for you people who get them all the time.

[joeatmanila]

I had my share on these situations very early when i first came here. It took me a very rough treatment to all of them and my beloved wife too. I can write endless stories, the bottom line is one. There is no polite way to keep the beggars off. They consider deep in their mind that they are entitled to the bites they can do to you because you are foreigner, fool and money bag. They consider it you must pay them the "taxes" for your filipina beauty you got.

take the filipina beauty back i can get another one from anywhere in the world. You either leave me alone or you get to feed her and my kid i have with her cause i am out of here. see what happens then!!!! hahahahha!!!!! The best, they consider you all the worst in life, they never talk to you, they always ask from her and since she knows the game she replies a no blaming it to this motherhumper kano she unfortunately got married with :)

[Jake]

I had my share on these situations very early when i first came here. It took me a very rough treatment to all of them and my beloved wife too. I can write endless stories, the bottom line is one. There is no polite way to keep the beggars off. They consider deep in their mind that they are entitled to the bites they can do to you because you are foreigner, fool and money bag. They consider it you must pay them the "taxes" for your filipina beauty you got.

take the filipina beauty back i can get another one from anywhere in the world. You either leave me alone or you get to feed her and my kid i have with her cause i am out of here. see what happens then!!!! hahahahha!!!!! The best, they consider you all the worst in life, they never talk to you, they always ask from her and since she knows the game she replies a no blaming it to this motherhumper kano she unfortunately got married with :)

Hello Joe,

Can I borrow that phrase motherhumper kano -- I like that!

Tax free -- Jake

[cebu rocks]

I had my share on these situations very early when i first came here. It took me a very rough treatment to all of them and my beloved wife too. I can write endless stories, the bottom line is one. There is no polite way to keep the beggars off. They consider deep in their mind that they are entitled to the bites they can do to you because you are foreigner, fool and money bag. They consider it you must pay them the "taxes" for your filipina beauty you got.

take the filipina beauty back i can get another one from anywhere in the world. You either leave me alone or you get to feed her and my kid i have with her cause i am out of here. see what happens then!!!! hahahahha!!!!! The best, they consider you all the worst in life, they never talk to you, they always ask from her and since she knows the game she replies a no blaming it to this motherhumper kano she unfortunately got married with :)

It hurts my wife to have her family ignore her and they shun her unless she gives them money. Like they didn,t come to her birthday party ???? or visit her at all while i,m gone but as soon as I,m back they pop in out of the blue to say hello wheres my pasalobong !!! I could wipe my feet of the whole family no problem but she still loves them even though they treat her like a maid not a daughter . On the bright side they ask me for very little these days because they know its NO not maybe or let me think about it . If they just treated my better half with respect I would give them more than they have ever asked for but they don,t get it . I guess they were never taught the difference between honey and vinegar .

[billten]

she still loves them even though they treat her like a maid not a daughter

Man oh man this sounds too familiar. My lovely wife is caught in the middle where the family feel they have an entitlement to any and all cash they feel is available and the more they get, its never enough. Finally we moved and distance really really helps.

[wayneseymour]

I had my share on these situations very early when i first came here. It took me a very rough treatment to all of them and my beloved wife too. I can write endless stories, the bottom line is one. There is no polite way to keep the beggars off. They consider deep in their mind that they are entitled to the bites they can do to you because you are foreigner, fool and money bag. They consider it you must pay them the "taxes" for your filipina beauty you got.

take the filipina beauty back i can get another one from anywhere in the world. You either leave me alone or you get to feed her and my kid i have with her cause i am out of here. see what happens then!!!! hahahahha!!!!! The best, they consider you all the worst in life, they never talk to you, they always ask from her and since she knows the game she replies a no blaming it to this motherhumper kano she unfortunately got married with :)

It hurts my wife to have her family ignore her and they shun her unless she gives them money. Like they didn,t come to her birthday party ???? or visit her at all while i,m gone but as soon as I,m back they pop in out of the blue to say hello wheres my pasalobong !!! I could wipe my feet of the whole family no problem but she still loves them even though they treat her like a maid not a daughter . On the bright side they ask me for very little these days because they know its NO not maybe or let me think about it . If they just treated my better half with respect I would give them more than they have ever asked for but they don,t get it . I guess they were never taught the difference between honey and vinegar .

Good suggestion...

[Brad616]

Well, I will tell you in my case it never ends the requests, Thank God , 2 of the 3 BB boxes got sent off last monday. I feel bad for the wife. I have no problem being a hardass. And of course her brothers, one just had another kid ( thankfully healthy) and another adopted . So me, guess I am just a mean ass kano, but it is a negative sum game in the end . Welcome home ATM :hystery:

[Thomas]

The posted inquiry is, What's the polite way to say, "No." The suggested response is, "Later." or "I don't have money right now, ask me again at the end of the month." By keeping you answer vague or elusive, there is no offense. If they keep pestering you, counter by asking questions. For example, "Can you give me a copy of the medical bills?" Eventually, your relatives will tire of the game.

If there is a serious need, like a child is in the hospital, never be the first to volunteer assistance. First ask, "Who else is helping?" Limit your exposure as in, "I can contribute P300." Ignore the facial expressions by family members indicating you are a cheapskate. A refinement to this is to give the family money in a sealed envelope. They will profusely thank you for the gift. It will still be P300 in P20 bills. No one knows the amount. It is considered impolite to open the envelope in your presence. Actually, establishing a reputation with the family that you are very careful about your money is not a bad idea.

Well. This is a very hard subject.

I wouldn't like if they don't tell me how things are, so I hope I can make it function without telling "Later" when I realy mean "Never" (when it isn't serious health things.)

One of my long time expats friiends tell them things like "I'm short of money, but I can give you this so you can go on searching" and give them enough to go by bus.

I believe it function rather good in relations with distance family and neghbours,

but he had to move away some (not so far) to reduce problem with greedy close family. I believe he made the misstake spoiling them some in the start.

I believe I will try to say No to "everything" except Help-to-self-help to the close ones I believe can be worth helping.

But I expect I will get trouble deciding concerning serious things as medical bills. I can't help everyone with such, even if I would want to.

Plus I will perhaps let my gf > wife think of she handle the OTHER ones than her closest family. It depend of if we agree about the policy, so it suit with how I treath her closest family.

I hope I can get away with;

"I'm short of cash, because I try to build and exband business, so everyone around her can get some more" :)

(=Some get work, mainly close family, plus others will get advantage by I buy their raw material.)

she still loves them even though they treat her like a maid not a daughter

Man oh man this sounds too familiar. My lovely wife is caught in the middle where the family feel they have an entitlement to any and all cash they feel is available and the more they get, its never enough. Finally we moved and distance really really helps.

and

In many cases, you could be the most diplomatically polite person they have ever met in turning down

their request. It only takes just one family member to be disgruntled because his booze, drug, gambling

and womanizing money will no longer be supplemented by a foreigner. Upset.....he/she will spread the

word that you are such a douche bag.

I think your first line of defense is your wife or girlfriend. Put your foot down and make her understand

your financial priorities and see if she reinforce your concern. This should have been established early

in any relationship. Otherwise, HER priorities are questionable.

Plenty of Fish -- Jake

Well. Someone wrote somewhere he had solved it by giving the wife a budget for such, and she can use them as she decide, but No more money than that. Sure good if the wife is tought enough to handle it, put I suppose it can be very hard for her to be squeezed in the middle. Harder for her if it's some such problem with her CLOSEST relatives. Perhaps your way can be good for them outside parents and siblings, but it can be very hard for her feelings to say No to the closest family.

I haven't had any problem - yet :) - with what I believe will be my future family-in-law, and they seem satisfied with if I can make them some jobs, but earlier gf had some other problems than money, and then I said: "Blame me. Say to them, Thomas has said xxxxxxx." :)

Because easier for me than for gf/wife to take the heat from her closest family.

Ok examples I pay for schooling and they would ask for money 2 or 3 times a year i found out later the cost was far lower in fact the one brother had a full scholarship . I told the one brother I would help pay for university IF I could help him pick what course (like a IT course) of course he said later I want to be a seaman and Mama told me it was 50,000 pesos per semester and there where 6 semesters a year . Mama asked if they could borrow(Bahahha) money for a side car so Papa could work 10,000 pesos soon turned into 100,000 because he also needed a new motorcycle . They said i could build a small room on the back of the house to live priced it out at 30,000 p after giving 10,000 they had bought 200 blocks and needed more money .End of project

Tons of other small things My wife is good she knows her Mama is money crazy and tells me don,t give but I do want to help but the family does not appreciate any thing I do give its never enough if I give 1000 p they need 10,000

And they think I,m stupid like I will never check to see what the real price of stuff is . Now I pay every thing directly no money to Mama at all.. the doctor in town is a great guy and knows I will pay him for treatment directly same as the dentist .

But these are ars***s. Next after them who never ask, I find such EASIEST to handle, because such people I don't feel sorry for, so easy for me to say No. Some hard for the wife/gf but it's OK she tell them blaming me, because I have no problem not bother what such people think. (But I bother some if they manage to fool OTHER people some lie about me, but if good other people know me, then they will know who is right anyway.)

Much harder if the family is a mix of bad and good ones. Hopefuly they are some good too in the bad families, even if it had been easier all are bad in saying No point of view, because the wife/gf better have got good genes from somewhere :) I know a good Filipina, who has the problem, two of the brothers are (small) criminals terrorising the good ones in the family, so hard to help the good ones without the bad ones take it or at least get part of it... :unsure: :unsure:

[Dave Hounddriver]

What is the customary way to diplomatically say no to Filipino family members who think you are the cash cow?

When I thought about this I realized that very, very few of her family members have the gonads and the English language skills and the ability to track me down to actually ask me for money. The ones that do often have a valid request and often get a little bit out of me.

The normal procedure is to ask my wife and lay out the pity routine like their kids are gonna starve if my wife doesn't get me to cough up some cash or if she does not dig deep into her own spending money to give to them. I don't give my wife a lot of spending cash. It almost all goes to family members who have a sob story every day.

So I end up having to say no to my wife when she wants extra spending money because she was a soft touch and gave all hers away. Thus the question for me is: What is the customary way to say no to the wife who wants more spending money because she gave all hers to her relations.

I know the answer. There is no diplomatic way. Just a firm No, because you already spent/gave away your share.