The Polite Way To Say No To Filipino Family Members

[Tukaram (Tim)]

I know exactly what you mean Renee.  I keep running into "helpful" family members with my girlfriend.  The last one was a school teacher in Bacolod so she made some money - at least she was employed. But she sure could spend my money!  It was just assumed I would pay for everything.  And she seemd upset when I insisted on Jeepneys instead of taxis.

 

What i am trying this month - finally - is to transfer my monthly budget into our BDO account and leave my US ATM card at home.  I told my girlfriend when that BDO money is gone we are broke for the month.  But on vacations with helpful family around it may not work... I mean, damn, this girl has cousins everywhere ha ha!   :tiphat:

[Mike S]

Renee ..... you learn quick .... I know guys that are still handing out money right and left with no end in sight .... very good way to discourage him ......

 

Tuka Ram ..... we make it a firm and fast rule that only immediate family members can hope to receive any loans ... the key word here is loan ... not give ..... nieces ...  nephews excepted ....cousins .. Aunts and Uncles forget about it they have there children to help them out and if not they should have .....  my asawa has an aunt that has a son who is a seaman but she still tries to get money from my asawas mother ..... to play mahgong

:cheersty:

[i am bob]

I admit it.  Though still in Canada, I am paying for my Special Someone's school costs.  But she didn't ask - I just told her I was paying.  Now, once I am there, she knows how much we will have each month and that anything lent out will be out of our pockets so I'm not too worried.

 

:thumbsup:

[Genius]

Money comes in, money goes out. I operate on the principle that as long as it is going out at a slower rate than it arrives, that is ok.

[Westernman]

Really interesting topic and one that everyone seems to have to deal with on at least some level.

 

I liked the idea of making one loan to a family member and then agreeing to any other request as soon as the first loanee pays it back..perfect! Shifts the attention away from you. Maybe it doesn't work, but it seems ingenius!

 

I guess this is just another cultural difference to get used to. Learning to say no without being viewed as rude and not bringing down the family wrath on your significant other seems like a trickly subject, but one that can be done I am sure. If not, than distance seems like another great option!

 

Thanks for the info,

 

Jason

[GregZ]

If the pamily are a decent bunch, gently explaining that thigs are really tight right now, etc. etc. sometimes helps a lot. Often its the westerner's preference not to discuss money problems (a feeling not shared by most Pinay) that makes family think that you are flush. Tell them exactly what your situation is and let them know you are not a money pit.

I re-read a lot of this thread and this post from a year ago caught my attention.  The original poster said the primary family is no problem... just the outer and distant relatives.  I won't explain crap to them and neither will my girl.  As someone else said, I consider the money OUR money but whenever anyone comes looking SHE tells them that it is GREG ORY's money and there is nothing available. 

 

As far as what other people think of you?  You cannot control that so let them think what they want to think.  As far as people not paying money back?  People are people.  My brother owes me a LOT of money right now and is making no effort to pay me back.  You can see from the picture that MY birth family is not Filipino.  Now my family here?  I just loaned 50,000 pesos for a wedding and that is being paid back at a regular and rapid rate.

 

The immediate family knows what our money situation is because we live with them.  Even when it is flush they do not ask.  And when it is tough, like now, they are supporting me.  (Just temporary because I loaned and gave away all the money that I didn't use for travel and moving expense.)  :hystery: :540:

[Medic Mike]

This is actually a really great topic. I know I have struggled with this over the last year. In relaiton to money, I have tried to approach it in a business manner with the GF family and extended family. For example her father is a fisherman who is poorly paid like most of the Cebu fisherman. I really like her father, he is a proud man, and I know it killed him to ask for help. I sat down with him, and we came up with a solution that we both could live with. Like most, their family has lived from paycheck to paycheck, knowing nothing about putting anything away for a rainy day. As fortune would have, the area they lived in was about a 15 minute walk to the nearest Sari Sari. So we made a partnership, I set the family up with enough money to start up a new Sari Sari, the provisions were I would get 15% of the weekly profit into a special bank account. So far so good, it has been 4 months and he has not missed 1 payment. Little does he know that the saving account is my way of getting him in the habit of saving. My other problem I have not resolved yet, because of my healthcare qualifications, I get a lot of pushy family and friends wanting free medical advice and treatment, this has been my biggest problem to learn how to say no...the biggest way I have been dodging it, is with the GF saying I was out....hehe...I know I am a coward :)

[wingmanPI]

rule #1-any money handed over to family is a gift so do not expect it to be repaid.  if you don;t want to give a gift

             then do not hand over the money.

 

rule #2-at all costs let your girl handle the family issues.  let her know upfront that it is her responsibility   this may

             involve some tutoring on your part but if your girl is smart she catch on after a bit.

 

rule#3-let girl know that you have no problem handling the family issues but she will not like it because more than

            likely her family will  view your response as rude and unsatisfactory,  her choice though.

 

rule #4-set the tone early on.  review your budget with your girl and make her understand how much it costs to

            keep things running (she will be shocked).  she should also know there is always a trade off.  if you give

            the family X amount of pesos then maybe you will not have the money for her to do something that she

            finds important.

 

Just a few ideas and they do not apply to every situation.  I am luck that my girl is fairly mature and can handle

serious subjects with intelligence.  this is not always the case.  good luck to all!

[Tukaram (Tim)]

rule #4-set the tone early on. review your budget with your girl and make her understand how much it costs to keep things running (she will be shocked). she should also know there is always a trade off. if you give the family X amount of pesos then maybe you will not have the money for her to do something that she finds important.

 

All are good points but this one really made me laugh.  When I kept track of every peso for July 2013. I showed her how much it all adds up.  She heard that I get p30,000 a month and thought I was Donald Trump!   Now she sees it is more like Donald Duck money.  She had no idea how much jeepneys, fast food, utilities add up over a month.

 

And I let her handle all the family.  They don't bother me.  They text her.  I don't know the details but her sister got so mad she unfriended my girlfriend on Facebook and blocked her from viewing her page.  So she must be good at telling them no.   ha ha    :tiphat: