Newly Single, And Looking To Get Out There Again

[Julia]

Resist Resist. Do not get back with the ex.

:agree:

[buttercup1984]

I have met lots of nice girls in bars :dance:

probably should stay away from meeting girls there :hystery:

[Americano]

Hello Whiskey,

You being a freelance programmer, I believe most of your life is based on logic. For example, using a basic

logic flow diagram showing an AND GATE, you need two positive inputs in order to get anything out. In your

case unfortunately, her input to your relationship has been negative. Time to move on, my friend.

Please don't forget about retribution that may bite you in the a$$. Scorned Filipinas, especially when her

mental stability is in question could have deadly consequences. Are you safe in your current location?

Best of luck on your new adventure of flirtation -- wow, the land of brown sugar again....he, he.

Respectfully -- Jake

a$$ could be your rear end or your dollars or both. Filipinos seem to like retribution so can you imagine the retribution from a mentally unstable Filipino? Leave and don't let anyone know where you are so you can start over in peace.

The alternative would be to arrange a meeting between her and my wife. My wife can analyze her mental state and then advise you.

[Thomas]

I'll come right out and say that I am now convinced (nearly 100%) that she suffers from BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). It has been hell at times. She has left and run home several times. It has been a push/pull rollercoaster relationship. I won't go into all the details about my discovery about the BPD. Let's just say I researched extensively and I am almost certain of it now.

Many women are some crazy when pregnant :) and rather many behave odd/become depressed after birth :'( (But concerning the later, it isn't odd some of them get angry at the father to the child, because of lack of support, and not odd if geting angry easy by lack of sleep.)

Was she normal BEFORE she got children?

If I understood corect, the latest birth was within a year back. IF so, and iF she was normal before, then there is still big hope :) but if not both, then you better run away far.

[whiskey]

Ahh, you guys are gonna kill me!!! (and maybe my family!!) I stayed away and kept busy working. I even tried to filter my phone, etc. Well, a few emails went back and forth. Nothing much but really she was still not really seeming to take any responsibility for her share of the problems, and I am still just bad, bad bad. So, I dropped it. After a couple days, I asked again (via email) when she might come and pickup a few remaining items that are here at the house. She said she would have her sister come and get the items soon, and asked if I had a problem that some of her things were still here. My answer was short and to the point. I said "no, I just want closure and I want to be able to move on."

Within just a few more minutes, she is asking me where do I want to go from here and what changes am I asking for. This sort of dialog from her means she is beginning to let her guard down and begin a real conversation. I thought "oh no, I am getting sucked in again". But, I allowed the dialog and a few more emails went back and forth. This is last night. I actually hadn't seen her last email and I had went to sleep. A little before lunch today, I get an email out of the blue "Baby, can we talk?"

Okay, I know what you're thinking. And I guess you're right. But what can I say? I love this woman. I figured I will let her talk. So, I stopped by there a little later and we did talk a little there. It's busy and noisy and there are kids there, so I asked can we go get some lunch. We did, and we had a chance to talk more. I'm not gonna lie to you. I still don't feel 100% like everything is going to be okay. I know how things go. I know the dynamics. We've had these "talks" before. It really isn't about coming to agreements and compromises though. How do you do that when the other person keeps breaking them, and then say "well, you need to relax", or "you're too rigid." How can there be peace when someone takes that attitude?

I will admit that perhaps I can be a little picky about some things. I'm talking about things around the house, etc. But I don't want our house trashed. Sometimes I feel like she doesn't seem to care if the walls get written on with a marker (the kids), or someone spills juice all over the furniture, etc.

As far as the BPD thing goes. Well, I actually raised this with her, which I was really nervous about doing. She said she doesn't think she has it. I said well if you don't have it, you have to admit that you are EXTREMELY sensitive to any critisism or conflict. If I am willing to lighten up a bit, but I asked can she be a little more thick-skinned about things. LOL. Well, I don't know that she really has control over that so much.

I feel like I really need to try to see if this can work once more. I do love the kids. I love her. I want to at least try to see if some changes might make things better. So.... she may move back in a few days. She started working online again with her freelance jobs. I guess that's not a bad thing. If things really do go sour again, at least she has work and can move on having her own job/income. My family is going to freak out. They are worried about me. I'm going to have to tell them that we are trying to reconcile.

Thank you all so much for your input and advise. This may come back to bite me in the ass. Time will tell. If that is the case, it doesn't take a long time - these cycles. I enjoy these forums, so I will keep posting. Lots of interesting stories and information!

[whiskey]

Thomas:

The youngest is now over 2 years old. When I met her, he was only 4 1/2 months old. I didn't see this little guy in person though until he was about 8 months old - when I first came out to the Phils. I've been back to the US for two short visits, but otherwise I have been here and living with her as a family. So, especially the youngest - he is like my own. The 3 year old doesn't know any other father either, but he has a lot of relatives inhis life. So, our bond is not quite as strong.

I don't think her mental state is related to the childbirth or the kids. Certainly the HUGE change in her life that resulted from having kids could have something to do with it. On the other hand, she may be just SUPER sensitive. However, I still believe that she has BPD traits and although she may not be diagnosed with it, she certainly exhibits many of the behaviors. The question is, will it get better, or worse?

joeatmanila, you seem like you know this kind of situation. I usually figure she'll be back when she does this stuff. BUt this time, it seemed worse. It was a longer time, and it seemed like she was definitely through. And I felt even more at ease with this idea than ever before. I had an American friend taht lives near me tell me "she will NEVER leave you". "No Filipina leaves her foreigner husband/bf". He said "if you ever want this over, you will have to leave her." Gosh, is that really true? And why?? If she's so unhappy, why can't she just stay away then?

Today, she was actually really loving and enjoyable to be around. After lunch, we walked around the mall for a little while. You'd never know there was any kind of problem. So strange.

[Curley]

So.... she may move back in a few days.

My advice would be to not let her move back in but to start a "courtship" again so that she can see she really does have to behave and not just for the first few days.

[Jake]

......So, especially the youngest - he is like my own......The question is, will it get better, or worse?

......And why?? If she's so unhappy, why can't she just stay away then? Today, she was actually

really loving and enjoyable to be around. After lunch, we walked around the mall for a little while.

You'd never know there was any kind of problem. So strange.

Hello Whiskey,

I apologize for dissecting you post above. I highlighted a few things to keep me on topic.....he, he.

I believe most of us (over 40) have been there and done that, Including the gut wrenching emotional

pains suffered by the heart. As I said before -- would rather eat a bullet than suffer from the wounds

of the heart. It's pretty deep, isn't it?

Initially my advice to you was to leave her. On second thought, I really apologize for giving you such

an abrupt, black and white response. Your sad state of affairs would normally invite suggestions and

comments based on their own unique situation. This thread is not a contest about providing the best

advice. Because unfortunately, there so many variables and one unique fix does not fit all.

This is what I really like about this forum. It really opens up people, spilling their emotional guts out and

seeking fellow members to give him comfort. It's like a virtual cozy private bar where we can openly cry

into our beers without embarrassment. Boy, I lost count how many times I've been down that road.

Friendly reminder to my fellow members -- we will treat you Whiskey with utmost respect. Believe me,

most of us have been down that road (again).

Respectfully -- Jake

[Thomas]

I still believe that she has BPD traits and although she may not be diagnosed with it, she certainly exhibits many of the behaviors.

Perhaps she has "only" anger management problems, triggered by cultural differences?

Today, she was actually really loving and enjoyable to be around. After lunch, we walked around the mall for a little while. You'd never know there was any kind of problem. So strange.

So perhaps it end up good finaly.

Some more turns and you can perhaps get rich puting it together as a soap opera script :)

[whiskey]

Yes. Cultural differences abound, even after being together this long! To this day, there are still things I find both odd and irritating. There might be a better topic for this but have any of you experienced any of these? (this is sort of for fun, so no disrespect intended!)

Foresight? I asked my fiance once what is the Tagalog word for foresight. She said there is no such word in Tagalog. I laughed and jokingly said "I figured that!" What is it with the lack of foresight, for almost anything??? Example. One of our maids (really a yaya) is one of my fiance's Tita. She is a GREAT woman! Great cook! Great with the kids! Helps us soooo much. But, if we are running low on rice, do you think she tells me or my fiance? Guess when I hear about it? When we're out - empty - walana! ALWAYS confuses me. Same thing goes for almost anything that we can run out of. My fiance does it too. Diapers are low - I don't know until they are all gone. Result: everything is needed "now". I would much prefer to plan out what needs to be picked up and do it all in one trip. Ay!!!

The CR is always TOTALLY wet!! LOL. I don't even like to use the main CR anymore. This is where the kids bums are cleaned. Not only is is soaking wet, it smells bad in their most of the time. With it wet all the time, and the heat, it's just awful. With everyone gone right now, it smells terrific! The master CR is better. But why do the women leave the toilet totally wet all the time? LOL. Even with the bide, I still want toilet paper. I cant put my pants back on with everything all wet!

Family members pop in unexpectely, and always when we are just about to have a meal! LOL Again, I get it! This one uncle would show up like clockwork. And then he would lounge around until the next meal. I put a hault to that horse crap! I had to nicely tell my finace that he is welcome to come by from time to time, but this is getting out of hand. Luckily, that finally ended. I think other family members finally told him i was getting really irritated.

After church with family - "hey, let's all get lunch". Guess who's paying the bill? Yup. I don't mind so much. We don't do it all that often. But, me paying is expected. My fiance always says thanks later. But nobody else says a thing. What's up with that????

Leaving food out all day - but its okay to eat it still. Huh? Well, I've gotten a little used to this. It used to make me really nervous. I DO NOT want a case of food poisoning. If it's going to be done, I say re-cook the $h!t out of it first. But lately I ask that it be put back in the ref. its too risky to eat food that has been sitting out.

Eating off the floor. Mostly seems to be acceptable if kids do it. But I've watched adults do it and not give it a second thought. I usually will throw it out, but everyone gasps. The idea of wasting food just freaks them out!

Late for everything! If the parents are going, I sometimes don't even count on us going at all. There's a good chance it will just be given up on as they just can't get out the door. I never have myself fully ready unless I see people heading out the door. LOL I learned a long time ago, there's no need to rush and be ready. I am always ready before anyone else and end up sitting around as they all frantically get dressed and try to get out the door.

Outside clothes. To this day, I still don't exactly get this. Filipinos will wear completely different clothing when going out - even just to go fill the car with gas or run a quick errand. I started to do this a bit, but mainly because I want to be more comfortable at home and wear REALLY casual clothing. It's funny. This is how people know someone is going somewhere. They have changed clothes or are about to. Someone will ask, hey where are you going. Saan Ka Pupunta?? Even the kids are totally atuned to this.

Food from parties. We've had our share of parties. A lot of time we'll order catered food. I have my favorites and always look forward to having some leftovers thereafter. NOPE. It all gets packaged up and is out the door before I can even ask "what happened to the xxxx?" My fiance always smiles and says "you know".

OK. That's all for now. Chime in with your own!