Family Members

[stevewool]

well i hope i dont offend anyone but i have a question to ask,

When you have meet the woman of your life and are married and have settled into life of work and more work and the monies are coming in nice and you can see the dream you are planning together starting to happen, you start to get the messages or phone calls, can you help with sending cash.

Its not directed straight at us but is mentioned to another member of the family and they mention it to your wife then she feels guilty and is asking what she should do, straight away the answer is no no no, then you do sit down and try to talk about this,

Dont get me wrong we have helped and we are still helping too, but its getting more and more now, we need a washing machine, someone needs a fridge, we need school fees, we need money to pay the electric bill,

These people are married have kids and there husbands do work but they dont seem to be sending all that much money back home for the family so is it down to my wife to help,

I am a great believer that if you cant afford it then dont have it, whether its a car , kids, fridge or holidays

So what do you do send what they are asking for, or a smaller amount knowing you will never see it again, my biggest problem is you do this again and it does not stop, we are helping with the schooling already and we have to live ourselves here in england too, but that does not seem to bother the family,

I do understand how hard it is for any family to live these days but it works both ways too

[Old55]

I guess in a perfect world you and your wife to be would come to an agreement on exactly what you can and will provide. Most family's are understanding if your wife is on your team.

[Mike S]

Just my thoughts ..... what would they do if you weren't in the picture ..... how did they manage before you guys got together ..... sometimes when they realize that all they have to do is ask for stuff instead of saving (is that word even in the Filipino language .... :mocking: ) .... and as some have mentioned before they will actually quit work so they can be supported ..... and yes the stories can be pitiful .... when my asawa and I first got together her youngest brother asked to borrow (give) some money so he could get an operation for his child ..... my hackles immediately went up as both him and his wife are OFW's .... she is a nurse and they both work in the same place .... I asked my asawa why they didn't have any money and she said they are saving to build a house ....... well why don't they have PhilHealth .... she said she didn't know but she had told them about it years ago ..... 

 

To make a long story short we told them to use some of the money they had saved for the house to get the kid an operation .... they must have as we never heard about it again and the kid is still alive .... cruel .... no just trying to teach them some responsibility .... they have 2 more kids and still no health insurance ..... and the house is finished on a 200 meter square lot so they ain't hurting ..... but we nipped it in the bud as Barney Fife used to say ....

:cheersty:

Edited June 16, 2013 by Mike S

[stevewool]

thanks for replying and i understand where you are coming from, but they dont ask me they go to dad who goes to my wife who then feels guilty, but it is like you say, a nice house they have just brought, all the kids in private education, and all are doing stuff outside school too, seems my Ems has to get strong and ask questions too

[Jake]

thanks for replying and i understand where you are coming from, but they dont ask me they go to dad who goes to my wife who then feels guilty, but it is like you say, a nice house they have just brought, all the kids in private education, and all are doing stuff outside school too, seems my Ems has to get strong and ask questions too

In the land full of drama queens (politicians on wheel chairs) and self importance by showing off

a status symbol (cell phone, fake name brand items), many of your extended family members

know all too well how to play with your wife's heart.  It's only fair that wife or GF adjust to YOUR

priorities. Otherwise, there may be a monthly debate over everything in your relationship.  

 

To the new expats: plenty of pish abounds.....he, he.  

[JJReyes]

If you want to help, set a limit. It could be a monthly sum such as P 5,000 for your wife to have as a petty cash  to help all relatives in need. Never do it yourself. You are the rules maker. This allows your wife to say, "My husband would never agree to what you are asking." It's her excuse and a culturally acceptable way to say, "No." 

 

Inform everyone this is an emergency fund to pay for such items are prescription medication. Ask others to contribute even if it is only a few hundred pesos to the fund. Whether or not they contribute, it is important to ask. This avoids request to pay for such items like a cellular phone. When someone wants school tuition, your wife's response is, "We can help with school supplies." She then accompanies the student to the store to buy the supplies. Never give cash. The same rule applies to prescription medication. Your wife goes to the pharmacy to purchase the medicine.     

[stevewool]

If you want to help, set a limit. It could be a monthly sum such as P 5,000 for your wife to have as a petty cash  to help all relatives in need. Never do it yourself. You are the rules maker. This allows your wife to say, "My husband would never agree to what you are asking." It's her excuse and a culturally acceptable way to say, "No." 

 

Inform everyone this is an emergency fund to pay for such items are prescription medication. Ask others to contribute even if it is only a few hundred pesos to the fund. Whether or not they contribute, it is important to ask. This avoids request to pay for such items like a cellular phone. When someone wants school tuition, your wife's response is, "We can help with school supplies." She then accompanies the student to the store to buy the supplies. Never give cash. The same rule applies to prescription medication. Your wife goes to the pharmacy to purchase the medicine.     

i agree with all you say, but asking the family to contribute that is the problem, its the same people asking for my wifes help,

I n the last two months there has been money sent for a washer machine to 1 sister, money for a fridge this month to her dad who i dont mind helping at all, and now again this month the sister has no money for electric and school fees,we was told its because her husband cannot send money home to them from his work because he was on holiday here so no work no money, i dont want to sound horrible but it seems it always will come to my wife,

[Papa Carl]

It will not stop by itself. If you and your wife don't sit down and discuss this now, it will only get worse. Whether you agree to send a set amount to one relative, or continue to contribute to all, it will not stop.

 

So this is down to you and your wife, come to a conclusion, either you can or you can not continue to contribute, and if so, how much is your monthly limit to do so. Then stand by that decision.

 

Your wife must be the strong one here, and you must be equally as strong in your support for her.

 

Believe me, if you don't set a standard, it will only continue until it will drive a wedge between you and your wife. If you are able to explain this to your wife, she will be the one who takes the action to stop her relatives from bleeding you dry.

 

It does not matter if her relatives are well off or not, it is a family thing with Filipinos that the one with the most must support all the rest, but that does not mean that you do so until it drives your wife and you apart, or drives you both into trouble.

 

Take the wisdom of many hear in the forum, and prevent the problem from happening or getting worse, believe me as someone who does not have a lot to give, they will take what little you have until there is nothing left and then leave.

 

Best of luck, and put your trust in the love your wife has for you, and her ability to "manage" her own relatives.

 

Papa Carl

[brock]

Put your foot down and just say NO, Its easy,,They will never do anything for themselves all the time they have got you to rely on,

How did they manage before you came onto the scene, You start giving now and it will be never ending.

[Bruce]

People are people. Expect that. In the Philippine culture, your wife is known as a lottery winner.

 

As long as tour wife is not a 'mole' or a 'sleeper agent', you can over come this.

 

Posts above talk about a budget. That is good. However, like welfare / dole systems, if the person(s) getting the help knows it is a monthly thing and that amount available is renewable on the 3rd of the month, expect them to start having emergencies around the 1st of the month.

 

I would set a limit and use for educational needs. As for healthcare, with Philhealth as cheap as it is, you can buy a policy per month for the indivdual family members. Around 1,000p total per year last I saw. Maybe a bit more now. BUT you buy that policy and then you can refuse to pay for any medical emergencies for that person.