Some Insight Into The Filipina Mind?

[AllenInWV]

Okay, I hesitate to post this.....for starters it exposes my complete lack of dating skills....but as you all do have a ton of experience, maybe you can help clear up some confusion I have regarding my friend Jennifer.

 

Jennifer is one of three Filipinos I have known in my life. I met her a little over a year ago at my church. She's 38, the mother of two great boys, college-educated, and to hear her tell it, from a pretty well-to-do background. She was also somewhat of a Filipina celebrity back in the 90s, playing with a few notable rock bands in the RP. She and I hit it off when we met, almost to the point where I began to think there was "something" there, but her self-imposed rule of "no dating" (long story that, perhaps to be touched on later here) keeps me pretty firmly in the "Friend Zone".
 

And in case you're wondering, she is NOT the reason why I'd retire to the Philippines. That's a mix of financial and "something different". Anyway, I digress......

Jennifer came to the US around 3 years ago. As I understand the story, she married a guy from China while in the RP. Together they had their first son, then the husband moved to the US. Jen stayed behind as her father was ill. At some point, her husband came back to the islands, resulting in Son #2, then left once more for the US. Her father passed away, so she decided to join her husband here in West Virginia. She was stunned to learn that 1) he had a long-term girlfriend, and 2) the two of them were living together at his parents' house. "Awkward" is an understatement. From what I gather, the husband's parents were a little less than "civil" with her and the boys, so she elected to leave (pretty understandable, I think) that mess and try to make something happen here in the US.

 

As an aside, I have to say I can't imagine the balls it'd take to do that. She had practically nothing but the clothes on her back and the boys didn't have much more, and here she is in a foreign country, no friends, etc. etc. Just one of many things I admire about her.

Anyway, she finds her way to Scott Depot Christ Fellowship, a local non-denominational church/school. In one day, she secures a job with the daycare there, and one of the pastor sets her up in a house the church owns right behind the school. Call it 'divine intervention'....I do. :) So about a year or so after all that happens, I run into her.

 

So....a couple of the things I just don't get....

 

1) She works non-stop. Not just at the school, but doing volunteer stuff at church (she plays bass, runs the sound board, helps with the visual media stuff) or cleaning the house CONSTANTLY. I understand the church part....she feels a huge sense of indebtedness and gratitude for them. I also understand keeping a clean house (though she tells me back in the RP, she had a housekeeper) but she's almost obsessive about it. She'll say how she's tired, wishes she had some time for just her to relax....but she won't allow herself the time to do that.

 

2) She is incredibly hard on herself. Looks, bass playing, cooking...you name it, somehow she thinks she's substandard at it. Despite all evidence to the contrary. For Halloween she hand-sewed (despite never having done it before) a costume for her youngest boy. I don't know if any of you are familiar with the "Assassin's Creed" video game, but she made the hero's costume, which is pretty elaborate and detailed. Now I can see her saying "Well, it's not perfect", but holy cow.....it came out really, really good. Certainly FAR better than any "first timer" should have a right to expect. Close up....okay, the detail is not 'perfect', the seams not arrow-straight, etc. etc. but from any distance, it looked superb. But she goes on about how she screwed it up, etc. etc.

 

Re-reading this, I suspect it isn't just Filipinas who do this. LOL But maybe you all know something I don't. LOL

 

 

 

[Fred & Mimi]

As I understand the story, she married a guy from China while in the RP

 

The Philippines are very peculiar when it comes to a marriage consumated in RP. There is no divorce as such, only annulment so any relationship you may have with needs to be handled with tact. I've heard of stories of Foreigners getting sued for adultery even though the husband and wife are no longer in a close relationship.

 

Annulment is expensive and time consuming but love will always find a way. Just wanted to give you the heads up

[BrettGC]

She's been burnt, pretty badly by the sounds of it.  Many people on the wrong end of a relationship break-up walk away with feeling little sense of self-worth despite all evidence to the contrary.  It's just human nature, not really restricted to females or Filipinas.  Sounds like Jennifer is going through that and combined with wanting to do the best for her boys it's completely understandable.  From a Filipina perspective family is all, and Jen probably feels she's failed at that and that sense of failure taints her perception of everything she does.  Either that or she's being typically female and fishing for compliments, which I doubt, given your description of the type of person she is. 

 

Best thing to do as a friend is reinforce the positive, and when it warrants it, chat to her about the negative, but tread very carefully, if at all, depending on the depth and strength of your friendship.

 

Sorry, Social Worker Brett coming to the fore. 

Edited November 19, 2013 by BrettGC