Another How To "help" Or Not Help Topic

[davewe]

I'm still a newlywed, but 6 months in there haven't been any "requests." At least my wife says there have been no requests which is all I care about. There have been a couple instances where I thought I was going to get asked for money. A cousin died in Manila; his mother (my wife's aunt) flew the body back for the funeral. Even more of a possibility is that lolo was in the hospital for a week; he recovered and is back home. In both cases I waited for a request from either my wife or her family - that never came. I know when it comes to money my wife is good and is still very worried that I will consider her to be a user of "my" money. And I suspect that likewise her family is good.

 

But of course I know my wife wants to help her family, which is typically huge, provincial and poor. I told her that when she is working we can figure out what we want to do and how to handle it. I told her that I can pay all the household bills, food, etc. After all I have been doing that for many years and have a more than adequate salary. But for extras, such has trips to the mall or assistance to the family, her getting a part-time job would help.

 

My wife received her work card 4 weeks ago. She's been looking for work, mostly applying online. The process is overwhelming to her and she's scared that her English is not good enough (it is). I keep telling her there is no rush since after all the bills get paid regardless. But recently I realized why she was so stressed over it - because she knew that a job was the way to "help" the family.

 

We spoke at length; that is I spoke and she grunted or wrinkled her eyebrows. I realized that her stress at finding a job had been inadvertently caused by me, since she knew she could not help until she had one. I asked about how she might want to help and threw out some options: save for an emergency fund, send a small amount of cash monthly, education assistance, and a few other possibilities. I made it clear that we would have to make a choice, since we could never do everything.

 

She expressed her fear that I would be angry and hold it (the money) against her. I assured her I would not but also assured her that I am very good at saying "no" and that unnecessary requests or excessive requests would be met with a "sorry but no" answer.

 

She finally suggested that assistance with food would be the best. I told her we could send $100/month and that once she is working the sum would come out of her check but that in the meantime I could handle it.

 

I genuinely do want to help the family and am not looking for a way to avoid every possible scenario. OTOH I am a cheap enough bastard that I have no desire to go crazy. I know many guys who do and that is their choice; perhaps they have more cash at their disposal than I do.

 

Bottom line, I am still trying to stay frugal, keep the requests at bay, while helping in some small way and making my wife happy.

 

I know that guys here run the gamut: from zero money, to assistance in non-cash terms, to over-helping. I am just trying to find a balance. My sense is that my wife's father works very hard to support the family. I don't want to disrupt that by contributing too much.

 

 

[Jollygoodfellow]

Looks to me that you're both on the right track, talking, grunting and planning. The one hundred a month, is that cash or box of food? Anyway I sometimes wonder if its the right way to do things as you say the father works hard to support the family and if you were never born the father would still be doing that as that is the natural way of life. Will the family become dependent on you or your wife's contribution?

More questions than answers as there is no real answer to this how to help the family.

 

Not meaning to send your topic off track but have a look at what a Filipina friend got for Christmas from her American boyfriend, what sort of a message is this sending?

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MikeB]

The continuing and ever increasing month-to month "help" is probably one of the biggest mistakes made. Actual medical emergencies are a separate issue.   

[davewe]

Looks to me that you're both on the right track, talking, grunting and planning. The one hundred a month, is that cash or box of food? Anyway I sometimes wonder if its the right way to do things as you say the father works hard to support the family and if you were never born the father would still be doing that as that is the natural way of life. Will the family become dependent on you or your wife's contribution?

More questions than answers as there is no real answer to this how to help the family.

 

Not meaning to send your topic off track but have a look at what a Filipina friend got for Christmas from her American boyfriend, what sort of a message is this sending?

 

 

 

Michelle xmas.jpg

I'd love to just send food but since we are in the US, cash is easiest. Also I realize that there might be some months when a sack of rice is best and other months where a bill might need to be paid.

 

What would they do if I did not exist - no doubt exactly what they do now - but that isn't exactly flush and the parents aren't kids anymore, particularly by PI standards.

 

And yes, I assume they will become dependent on what we send. Better to be dependent on 4k than on some insane amount or a gift like you posted.

 

I know of several instances where the guy gives so much that it destabilizes the family and I have no intention of doing that - nor can I afford to.

Edited January 21, 2014 by davewe

[davewe]

The continuing and ever increasing month-to month "help" is probably one of the biggest mistakes made. Actual medical emergencies are a separate issue.   

Yep, that's the danger.

 

This gets into the age old argument, prevention or cure. Do I prevent problems by sending a sack of rice or pay the hospital bill when someone gets sick, possibly because of a lack of rice.

 

And one more complexity; once my wife is working, do I really have the ability to tell her she can't send her family $100/month? I doubt it. So better to look like a hero to her now and try to maintain control later.

 

But no easy answers I know.

[Call me bubba]

My sense is that my wife's father works very hard to support the family. I don't want to disrupt that by contributing too much

 

be proactive in helping them, THINK LONG TERM not day to day.

How did they get along before YOU came into their life?

(Yes i know that i post this often but this is the only thing I can suggest)

 

 if he is working ,is he contributing to his phil health? SSS? get them check-ups? dental care?

spend a $$  now that will save $$ more later.

is the mother working?even she is not even she can have her SSS.

consider the RED CROSS CARD( redcross.org.ph)

 

set aside a small amount IN case of something BIG/TERRIBLE happens.

 

if the wiring is not in good shape, roofing is getting rusted or holes ,GET it repaired

 the little things that we take for granted they may consider a luxury. make them more comfortable

BUT 

don't spoil or go overboard.

 

 

 

Not meaning to send your topic off track but have a look at what a Filipina friend got for Christmas from her American boyfriend, what sort of a message is this sending?

 

seems that some 1 is going to the pawn shop very soon. :hystery:

[SubicSteve]

And your off!!!!!!!

 

Jan $100

Feb$110

March$115

April$120

May$125

June$130

July$135

Aug$140

Sept$145

Oct$150

Nov$155

Dec$160 +$100(Christmas)

 

You..."hey when did it go from $100 to $250 a month."

[davewe]

 

My sense is that my wife's father works very hard to support the family. I don't want to disrupt that by contributing too much

 

be proactive in helping them, THINK LONG TERM not day to day.

How did they get along before YOU came into their life?

(Yes i know that i post this often but this is the only thing I can suggest)

 

 if he is working ,is he contributing to his phil health? SSS? get them check-ups? dental care?

spend a $$  now that will save $$ more later.

is the mother working?even she is not even she can have her SSS.

consider the RED CROSS CARD( redcross.org.ph)

 

set aside a small amount IN case of something BIG/TERRIBLE happens.

 

if the wiring is not in good shape, roofing is getting rusted or holes ,GET it repaired

 the little things that we take for granted they may consider a luxury. make them more comfortable

BUT 

don't spoil or go overboard.

 

If I lived in PI this might be (emphasis on might) be the way to go. It's tough enough to deal with repairmen in the US for my own home let alone a home 8000 miles away. In the end in all likelihood I would be sending money anyway for the repair work and then worrying about how or whether it was done. I feel like it's better to just say "I gave at the office" meaning I sent money (albeit a small amount) and they can use it however they want. If they come to me for more the answer will be a simple "we already sent what we could." Also, since I work and am not yet retired, it's ultimately cheaper for me to send a few bucks rather than try to set up maintenance, repairs, health plans, etc. My time is worth more than the money, at least at this point in my life.

 

While I am sure that some guys actually contribute zero, I suspect those guys are in the minority. Most people in one way or the other supply some sort of assistance.

 

Perhaps it doesn't sound like it but I do appreciate the feedback. I am just trying to figure out what works best for us, since saying no - nothing - forever will not work.

Edited January 22, 2014 by davewe

[davewe]

And your off!!!!!!!

 

Jan $100

Feb$110

March$115

April$120

May$125

June$130

July$135

Aug$140

Sept$145

Oct$150

Nov$155

Dec$160 +$100(Christmas)

 

You..."hey when did it go from $100 to $250 a month."

Yep, this is a danger. But as I mentioned before, since we live in the US and my wife has a Bachelors Degree she will soon be working. Even if it turns out to be a modest, part-time job, she will have the means to send "help". This is in contrast to the guys living in PI whose wives may not work or if they do make very little money. So unless someone is proposing that I control her paycheck, pretty soon something is gonna go to the family. Better we come to an agreement that I can still live with.

 

And in all honestly I do want to help. My sense is that unlike some of the horror stories I hear, they are a fine family and have been wonderful to me. But like most things in life I want to find a way to maximize the benefit and minimize the cost.

[MikeB]

I believe sending unearned money as "help" to anyone, anywhere on a continuing, month-in/month-out basis is a big mistake. It fosters dependency and the potential for problems is off the chart. But it sounds like your mind's made up and you're waffling on the amount. Whatever it is it probably won't be enough.