Another How To "help" Or Not Help Topic

[softail]

What we have done and it has worked well for the last 6yrs.  Twice a year we send a box or two of clothing , household items, school supplies etc.  We picked out the young lady that seemed to have the most potential and hard working parents who didn't have the means, to pay for schooling.  Other than that the only requests we have had for help has been emergencies that come up and that has only been a time or two.    Just lucky I guess

 

I think the key is to keep expectations low in the beginning and have a supportive wife.

 

Doug

[SubicSteve]

You said she has a large family and once she starts sending money monthly, NOONE will even attempt to get a job because you are enabling them.  My wife spent 13 years working in NY and both her and my paycheck went in to ONE account to pay OUR bills. and save for OUR future.

 

Do you plan on having a kid? If so you better start saving now.  Are you a lot older than her? If so, better teach her how to start saving money so when your gone she won't be destitute a year later.

 

How did her family get by BEFORE you showed up?  

[Tukaram (Tim)]

I would never send a fixed amount.  Once they get used to it they ask for more for "emergencies".  I could making an emergency fund.  And let it build up between requests (verified emergencies).  But since I have no extra money it is a moot point here! 

[stevewool]

can someone tell me why is it that our partners seems to always feel guilty about not sending money to help the family back in the phils, yet the rest of the family who are all working dont send bugger all, and the men of the family well they are just lazy so and so, just my thinking maybe

[davewe]

In the final analysis, at least for now - I punted. That is I found a place where I could purchase a 50kg sack of rice and had it sent to the family. My wife was appreciative but reminded me that by the time the shipping charge was added we paid nearly enough to buy 2 sacks of rice at the local store.

 

I told her that we had more discussions till we could determine what a long-term solution was, but for now at least we have done a little something.

[Lou49]

can someone tell me why is it that our partners seems to always feel guilty about not sending money to help the family back in the phils, yet the rest of the family who are all working dont send bugger all, and the men of the family well they are just lazy so and so, just my thinking maybe

You are correct. Why should they work if a foreigner is supporting them ? There is no incentive.

Edited January 24, 2014 by Lou49

[Paul_QLD]

Coming into a similar situation to this myself I will follow this topic closely!

 

Although $100 a month doesn't seem like much in the grand scheme of things, the dependency thing is what I would be mostly concerned with.

I know if it was one of my brothers or sisters in Australia I would give in a flash if they came into trouble financially, but the reality is they wont.

 

Guess this is down to opportunities at home, better education and welfare systems, education about how to handle money, having enough pride not to be seen bludging off others more fortunate and pride of having a paying job and wiling to live within your means, whether it is being a cleaner, tradesman or a professional!

When someone works out the exact thing to do, please post it :)

[Thomas]

When someone works out the exact thing to do, please post it :)

Well. I believe good solution is found to PART of it  :)

Solved

1/ If someone ask temporary for not so much money, give them small job so they EARN it.

2/ If the need is regular, and they don't have enough work, and IF they have tried their best, so it's good chance it can succeed (with guidance) then assist them with some "Help-to-self-help".

3/ A topic answer elsewhere told a good idea how to handle repeeted requests from same family for loans. If the first one haven't paid back as agreed, then the answer to the following requests can be: "Yes, I can give you loan after uncle xxx has paid back his loan"   :mocking:

4/ ASSIST paying living costs for old/disabled/much ill close family members, IF other family members try their best to contribute too if they can have possibility to that. (NOT as a told case where other family members "can't" pay, because they pay for a comparingly high living standard for THEMSELVES.)

 

Unclear if it's solved:

Regular paying e g school fees for some relatives. I suppouse it can function good in SOME families, while in other families it will only ADD requests/jelousy from other family members...

 

NOT solved part:

REAL BIG needs for URGENT necesary hospital bills and such  :unsure:

[Jeff R]

I've decided that the best way to approach this issue is to set aside a fixed amount every month. It is to be used only in emergencies or when her family is in dire need of something. "Dire need" as determined by me. We had this discussion and I assured her that I will gladly help her family as best I could when, and only when, they need help. I also made it clear that I will stand firm with this.

 

Sending a fixed amount of money or other essentials would, in my opinion, be a mistake.They would indeed become dependent on it and not spend it wisely as they have not earned it. It would be nothing more than "fluff" to them. Like everyone has said before, they got along or found a way before you came along. Just saying!

[Old55]

Each family has their own needs and dynamics. Providing a modest monthly support to mom and dad in some cases is needed and the right thing to do.

Setting clear guidlines as to amount is important. For example inform them you well provide $100.00 a month but that is all no exceptions.

Its equily important to never miss a payment once the agreement is made.

Perhaps providing Phil-Health insurance to the folks would help. Some members here do that.

Its very important your wife is onboard with whatever you agree to. This is an issue that can end you marrage.

My wife and I have given money to educate a number of family members. The past 17 years we have given a small amount when a much loved family member passed away twice. I don't think there is a set rule in supporting family.its up to you.