What To Do When She Doesn't Talk

[GregZ]

Like many Filipinas (I am told) when my wife gets angry about something she doesn't talk. I don't know if this is the full blown tampo I hear about. She certainly doesn't throw a hissy fit, nor does she blame me for everything wrong in life, unlike my ex-wife.

...

We did a little of this in the beginning and I always maintained that we MUST talk to understand each other.  I brought her around to mostly my way shortly and we don't do any silent anything now.  You'll have to do what you are comfortable with.  I was not comfortable at all with any silent anything because of what else you said,

 

"What really makes it bad is that in my head when someone doesn't talk I go to the worst place: she no longer loves me; she's gonna ask for a divorce. It's crazy I know, but in the absence of the truth I make something up. Also when she eventually tells me what was bothering her, I am not sure whether I am getting the whole story, or a watered down version of what was bothering her, or just some made up crap to shut me up."

 

I got her to understand this "absence of information" was BAD, REAL BAD and why.  I was damaged goods from an 18 year marriage that went wrong.  Unfortunately she was the more mature and secure person in this situation and I told her that.  I acted 'childish and insecure' about this and asked her to help me by talking to me.  The other side was that SHE was TAUGHT in school to AVOID CONFRONTATION at all cost.  YEP, they taught her that in college as part of 'conflict management'.  So during the course of our conversion on the subject we both came to understand the whole situation better and do what is good for the both of us now.  TALK... and I do the BEST I CAN at keeping cool & calm so it feels like a conversation to her and not a confrontation. :540:

 

You have to decide what works for you and move towards that.  You change, she changes or more likely a little of each.  You may not get it all at once, but if it is important enough then keep going in that direction.  In OUR relationship we are a great fit as a couple; neither of us is perfect, but we are nearly perfect for each other.  Still we each have had a little work to do in order to get to that 'mature love' place that feels so good and comfortable.  We like it here.

 

Keep doing what works for you, enjoy life and each other. :1927_: Counseling is CLOSED. :th_goodidea:

[Jake]

When you are finished having sex, wipe it on the curtains.  She'll talk!!

Dave.....you have me, my wife Judy and Mike S in tears laughing our guts out!  That's a triple LIKE my friend.  In my own

experience, I somehow manage to use her side of the bed and her pillows.  Although, I still don't know why the wet spots

are so cold sometimes......he, he.

 

Now getting back to Davewe's predicament, which is not unique among mixed marriage.  I will attempt to explain what is so

mixed up in terms of cultural difference, especially how the Filipina is exposed to a non communicative environment.  The

only real communications around the family or neighborhood is tsimis (gossiping).....he, he.  Anyway, I believe most of the

moods and behavior are taught within the family, especially from her mother.  And don't forget about all the drama queens

of friends and other families, politics and especially the typical Filipino movies.  

 

Does she have sisters or brothers that you can privately seek some advice?  Or do they all behave that way?   Perhaps

you may get a better understanding of her mood swings by really get to know her early childhood.  Believe me, the term

tampo is well entrenched in the Filipina psyche, I'm sorry to say.  All the advice given thus far are valid but you must

remain flexible in using them.  Taking a strong approach may not work all the time.  Neither does taking a nice approach

will guarantee a back to normal relationship.  

 

In order words, whenever you figure it out......let us know, OK?  Meanwhile, my doghouse has an extra room, even has

curtains.....he, he.

 

We feel for ya Davewe.  Respectfully -- Jake

Edited March 29, 2014 by Jake
spil chek

[jpbago]

Short Angry One and I have a rule though:  Never go to bed angry with each other.

 

They say "Never let the sun go down on a fight."

 

The longer it goes on, more fuel is added to the fire and then you both forget what started it all in the beginning.

[Hewy09]

I agree with the seeking advice from other members of the family.

My wife has only twice in 3 yrs given me the silent treatment. Both times I was the one that went for a walk to cool off as the silent treatment is very frustrating to me. And I did not want to escalate the situation. So when I went out for my walk I would walk to my sister inlaws where the mother inlaw lives before I arrived I buy cold beer for myself and wine for my mother inlaw. I spill my heart out to them about my frustrations and before I can finish my second beer my beautiful wife is sitting in my lap and saying sorry. I explain to her that being silent is a form of punishment and not a way to sort out problems.

Things have been much better and I make sure I tell her that on my walk to her moms the only thing I think about is her and figuring out a resolution to the problem.

So yes some space and time followed with a calm cool talk and all will work it self out.

The one thing I firmly believe is that you never go to bed mad/angry at your spouse.

Sent from my iPhone. buhay ay mahusay na! magsaya.

[Call me bubba]

just Leave her alone 

Same here, I let her alone, that didnt work.

So she left,

best 2 1/2 yrs i have had,

 

If she cant or will not communicate w/you, TRY , if that doesnt work,

Move on, the cultural differences is not worth the hassle when she "clams up":

[Thomas]

Add More to the thread when my wife gets mad she does give me the silent treatment it does not happen often 

 But when she cools off It;s like nothing  ever happened. I asked her at one point why she will not talk she says she does not want to say the wrong thing that she can't take back. That would really hurt us .

sometimes i feel like i would rather get hit with a shoe than the silent treatment . But you get used to it after a while

That's clever,

but bad if not tell why she got angry/irritated afterwards, because how to avoid it happen again, if not knowing why...

 

"But I told you" is a common coment from women, when men have no clue, because women communicate much more with body language and hints, which most men don't understand or even notice. As e g this "classical example":

The couble is traveling far in a car. He is driving.

-It would be nice with a cup of coffee, she say when she see a sign telling it will be such place soon.

-Yes, says the man and drive PASS the coffee place.

She get grumpy and he understand nothing  :lol:

The other side was that SHE was TAUGHT in school to AVOID CONFRONTATION at all cost. YEP, they taught her that in college as part of 'conflict management'.

Oh!  I have wondered why they don't even confront very bad behaving SIBBLINGS, which have stolen money/land from OWN family, making everyone else in the family worrying very much, but the bad behaving ones DON'T try to compensate, and the family only ASK them kindly to behave better, but try to cover for them, although they GO ON behaving bad!!!  :bash:     (I'm NOT talking about drug adicts stealing small, which they have reason to be physicaly AFFRAID of, but I'm talking about "normal" working sibblings, which steal to get and keep a higher living standard than they can afford to without stealing from the family. (E g one had fooled the old mother to sign documents so all family land became collateral for loan to that ONE sibbling to live luxury, and DIDN'T even try proper to pay the loan, GOING ON arranging parties they can't afford. Then expecting the sibblings to pay the loan to avoid the family losing the land, although the sibblings earn LESS than the missbehaving one!!!) 

I have asked several Filipins why, but have never got any answer telling why they don't confront the missbehaving and demand they STOP...

(There are such cases in Thailand too, so it's something from Asian culture, I suppouse.)

[davewe]

An update:

So I get home from work yesterday. My wife was with her Filipina friend. They'd been eating and had a little wine :)

 

I went downstairs and watched them play pool, yell and scream. My wife would occasionally come over and grab me like nothing had happened. She seemed fine for the rest of the evening.

 

About 9:00 we lay in bed and she began to talk. She talked more about her family and upbringing than she ever had before. I just listened and said nothing. When she was done I thanked her for sharing what I knew was somewhat painful with me and that I loved when she opened herself up to me. 

 

We went to bed - she woke me up in the middle of the night - and all is right with the world ;)

 

Thanks to all for the suggestions. I agree that I will try to use some combination of backing off/giving her space and opening the communication lines. I will try my best to stay away from confrontations.

Edited March 27, 2014 by davewe

[BrettGC]

Davewe, SAO gets so frustrated with me sometimes because I don't express my feelings passionately. It took her a long time to understand that I'm not a guy that has to have confrontation to vent emotion.  After she understood this about me, we've gone from strength to strength.  I give her her space, let her get it all out, then tell her "You know what honey, we both need some space to sort that all out in our minds". At the risk of sounding arrogant and running the emotional side of our relationship, it works for us.  She thought because I'm not a guy that is a yeller and screamer I didn't care; she now knows better.  I love how passionate she can be at times about things, and I tell her often; it's her way of letting off steam.  Your lady sounds like being quiet is her thing, it doesn't matter how it happens as long as it does and there's two way communications and resolution.  Some women use silence as a punishment; that I won't tolerate, it's juvenile, sulking puppy sh**.  Silence does have its place, as someone else mentioned, so as not to say something they regret in the heat of the moment.  It may be 3am in the morning, but as I said earlier, do not go to bed angry with each other.  Ever.  This isn't Social Worker Brett speaking, but life experience guy. 

 

Edit:  Really glad it worked out :D

Double edit:  It has nothing to do with being Filipina, it's a "men are from Mars" thing.

Edited March 27, 2014 by BrettGC

[Jake]

Hello Davewe,

 

We are glad that it's back to normal with that late midnight delight putting icing on the cake.....he, he.

 

If I may, I would like to add my own learning curve and mistakes during these past 28 years of marriage.  For some of us, what we
hold so near and dear to us is our ego.  For others -- the counterpoint of ego, is our lack of self confidence.  Believe me, either one
can kill a relationship. 

You mentioned your innermost fear of being abandoned or betrayed based on previous relationship(s).  I've been down that road
before: suspicion and ultimately, jealousy.  Sometimes the fear of the unknown (what if) got the better of you (us).  You may not say
anything but your body language will start projecting your inner feelings and perhaps your young wife will feel you slipping away. 
And all that time, this bad blood was all self induced by you. 

Another scenario that could happen is the honeymoon period is over.  You begin taking each other for granted or being too damn

busy to maintain that flame of passion or sharing a simple warm and silent embrace.  A young and immature wife (as compared to

you) constantly needs reassurance.  Start reading her body language and learn to become more sensitive to her own fear of the

unknown.  Surprise her with a single rose or her favorite chocolates, especially when everything is still normal.  Kill her with kindness

in your own special way.  That way, she doesn't know whether you're coming or going.  If she continues to remain silent, kill her with

more kindness.  Additionally, you can throw in some humor.....when was the last time you made her laugh or better yet, when was

the last time you laughed together?  Remember those first moments when you opened the door for her, while she opens her heart

to you? 

 

These pass 28 years of marriage was an emotional roller coaster.  I will be the first person to declare that I am not perfect.  And
neither was my marriage.  It is my hope that my fellow members could learn from my mistakes.  At 63 years of age, I realize that
the idea of husband and wife was totally useless.  I would rather believe that relationships grow more positive if the term friendship
was applied instead.

 

Respectfully -- Jake

[Americano]

An update:

So I get home from work yesterday. My wife was with her Filipina friend. They'd been eating and had a little wine :)

 

I went downstairs and watched them play pool, yell and scream. My wife would occasionally come over and grab me like nothing had happened. She seemed fine for the rest of the evening.

 

About 9:00 we lay in bed and she began to talk. She talked more about her family and upbringing than she ever had before. I just listened and said nothing. When she was done I thanked her for sharing what I knew was somewhat painful with me and that I loved when she opened herself up to me. 

 

We went to bed - she woke me up in the middle of the night - and all is right with the world ;)

 

Thanks to all for the suggestions. I agree that I will try to use some combination of backing off/giving her space and opening the communication lines. I will try my best to stay away from confrontations.

 

And stay away from the curtains or you could get more than tampo to deal with.