Marriage Agreement

[Thomas]

 

which I asume make it harder for a Filipin judge to give it to my wife in a divorse

 

Assuming is a huge mistake here.  I have seen very smart guys lose their shirt by assuming the courts here would use logic.  The important thing is:   Do you have Philippine Supreme Court legal precedents to back up your assumptions?

Well. IF the Philippine court approve she get the things belonging to the Swedish company, then it's STEALING from my Swedish BUSSINESSPARTNER. 

Perhaps better have a paragraph in the contract between the companies, any disagreements will be handled in SWEDISH court. Perhaps better let the Swedish company own the living house on the leased land too  :dance:

[Curley]

We are in the process of getting married and I think I understand what you mean.  Not a pre-nup (because they won't hold up in court anyway).  But more of expectations and household rules.  We don't have anything in writing but we have discussed a lot.  So far her only rule is no screwing around.  But I have made clear to her my expectations - so she could decide if she wanted to continue dating - I made sure to over these things right in the beginning.

 

No kids. No family living with us. No money to the family, unless I decide it is an emergency. I understand the family law says the kids have to support their parents (not siblings) but her mother is dead and her father abandoned them years ago, so no money for him or his new wife. I told her I will leave the country before I give that man any money.

 

Thats what I'm talking aout, have you put it in writing?

[Curley]

Curley,

 

I have given my wife an allowance over the last 12 years. She uses it to support her parents and for her personal needs. I do not ask or monitor how she spends it. If any family members need money they file their requests with the wife. I do not see or hear about any of it as she has become an effective buffer to this.

 

When I first met my wife, we sat down and had a good discussion about many things; money, goals, children (yes or no), etc. and came up with an informal verbal agreement about what we expected out of our relationship. I too am snipped and she still wanted to try via Invitro fertilization. I told her that I am too old to be parenting a teen in my 60s, no thanks. She asked about adoption and I replied the same. Kinda selfish for me but I already have 2 children in the states by my first marriage that I am still paying for (support, college) and I think that is enough for me. Over the years this agreement has been modified slightly to adjust for life's changes but overall is still intact.

 

Figure out what you want and expect out of your relationship. Then sit down with your prospective wife and talk about it. That is about the best thing that you can do. If you want to completely win her over, make it a true partnership where she has input into the major decisions.

 

I agree, give her a little independence and some control over her own life. I intend to do the same, no doubt there will be some hiccups but nothing in life is all plain sailing.

[Tukaram (Tim)]

No, nothing in writing.  Just lots of discussions. 

 

So we just signed a contract on a 2 bedroom apartment in the city - I can't take the noise in the country - damn stereos!  So my girlfriend's sister immediately 'tells' us that her son is going to move in with us when he starts college.  My girlfriend told her sister that I would not allow it because I need my privacy.  Her son said he did not want to move in because he wants to board, and probably hang out with college girls.  Now my sister in law is mad at me and her son ha ha!   Anyway I have plans for the other bedroom... it will NOT be a spare bedroom.  It will be my computer room and practice room.  I need my own office   :tiphat:

[Curley]

No, nothing in writing.  Just lots of discussions. 

 

So we just signed a contract on a 2 bedroom apartment in the city - I can't take the noise in the country - damn stereos!  So my girlfriend's sister immediately 'tells' us that her son is going to move in with us when he starts college.  My girlfriend told her sister that I would not allow it because I need my privacy.  Her son said he did not want to move in because he wants to board, and probably hang out with college girls.  Now my sister in law is mad at me and her son ha ha!   Anyway I have plans for the other bedroom... it will NOT be a spare bedroom.  It will be my computer room and practice room.  I need my own office   :tiphat:

STAND FIRM

[GregZ]

hmmmmm, thanks for the replies but my original question was.....

 

Has anyone ever put these things into writing before the deed was done?

 

I was hoping for a well written "list" of all the things that could cause a speed hump in the future. mission impossible?

No.  Nothing was ever put in writing.  We talked extensively and like Tuka had/have a clear understanding of what we each want.  To our benefit we are very like minded to start.  Two years married now and it is just getting smoother all the time. Continued below...

 

 

I think it is a BIG mistake to give money to the family. I know sooo many guys who have regretted doing so, including myself. Don't do it.

 

I am not planning on giving money to the family but according to many of you a request will most likely arrive at some point.

 

Does nobody give their wives an allowance to spend on themselves as they see fit? Do they have to ask every time they want a lipstick/phone topup etc?

 

Part of the idea is to prevent requests for money for family reasons...... birthdays/weddings/funerals/graduations etc Let her have a "salary" to decide and to learn how to budget.

 

Perhaps I think too much?

 

We call it 'spending money' instead of 'allowance' because I only give allowance to my children.  Every month she gets $200 to do whatever she wants with and I get $200 (or so) to spend on her :hystery: or whatever I want.  That money takes care of all the optional stuff that she wants, lipstick, makeup, clothes other than basic needs, help family with schooling & other needs/wants, fill balikbayan boxes and ship them, etc.  Basic needs are covered in the household budget which I control... that would even include face creams for blemishes and the such because she keeps looking good for me with that.  I don't care about the makeup so that is on her bill.  Of course when I look to get her a gift it is an easy fill with cosmetics.

 

Folks other than immediate family ask for money all the time and she tells them that she doesn't have any money, it is all mine and they should ask me.  That would require them to speak English and talk directly to me; that will not happen.  OR She tells them that I will not give/loan them anything and I might become angry if she were to ask OR we are on a tight budget because of other commitments.  It depends on the person.  One of those usually works well.

 

Note that I am a very generous fella and am just now volunteering to pay for college for a brother.  I also was generous with wedding gifts for another brother plus graduation gifts for yet another brother that finished college.  I love all of the immediate family and probably do more than I should.... but it makes me feel good.

 

And don't tell anyone here but I loan money to the one brother and he and his wife keep paying me back.  :dance:  They are expanding their business with my support and I like that.  They just paid back a 50k peso loan and now want to borrow again.

 

I know some of this goes a little off topic, but wanted you to have the complete picture of what we are doing as it all relates to the original discussions we had and what we agreed to verbally in April 2012.  :tiphat:

Edited April 2, 2014 by GregZ

[Curley]

 

hmmmmm, thanks for the replies but my original question was.....

 

Has anyone ever put these things into writing before the deed was done?

 

I was hoping for a well written "list" of all the things that could cause a speed hump in the future. mission impossible?

No.  Nothing was ever put in writing.  We talked extensively and like Tuka had/have a clear understanding of what we each want.  To our benefit we are very like minded to start.  Two years married now and it is just getting smoother all the time. Continued below...

 

 

I think it is a BIG mistake to give money to the family. I know sooo many guys who have regretted doing so, including myself. Don't do it.

 

I am not planning on giving money to the family but according to many of you a request will most likely arrive at some point.

 

Does nobody give their wives an allowance to spend on themselves as they see fit? Do they have to ask every time they want a lipstick/phone topup etc?

 

Part of the idea is to prevent requests for money for family reasons...... birthdays/weddings/funerals/graduations etc Let her have a "salary" to decide and to learn how to budget.

 

Perhaps I think too much?

 

We call it 'spending money' instead of 'allowance' because I only give allowance to my children.  Every month she gets $200 to do whatever she wants with and I get $200 (or so) to spend on her :hystery: or whatever I want.  That money takes care of all the optional stuff that she wants, lipstick, makeup, clothes other than basic needs, help family with schooling & other needs/wants, fill balikbayan boxes and ship them, etc.  Basic needs are covered in the household budget which I control... that would even include face creams for blemishes and the such because she keeps looking good for me with that.  I don't care about the makeup so that is on her bill.  Of course when I look to get her a gift it is an easy fill with cosmetics.

 

Folks other than immediate family ask for money all the time and she tells them that she doesn't have any money, it is all mine and they should ask me.  That would require them to speak English and talk directly to me; that will not happen.  OR She tells them that I will not give/loan them anything and I might become angry if she were to ask OR we are on a tight budget because of other commitments.  It depends on the person.  One of those usually works well.

 

Note that I am a very generous fella and am just now volunteering to pay for college for a brother.  I also was generous with wedding gifts for another brother plus graduation gifts for yet another brother that finished college.  I love all of the immediate family and probably do more than I should.... but it makes me feel good.

 

And don't tell anyone here but I loan money to the one brother and he and his wife keep paying me back.  :dance:  They are expanding their business with my support and I like that.  They just paid back a 50k peso loan and now want to borrow again.

 

I know some of this goes a little off topic, but wanted you to have the complete picture of what we are doing as it all relates to the original discussions we had and what we agreed to verbally in April 2012.  :tiphat:

 

Thanks Greg, the sort of feedback I was looking for, again not in writing, perhaps I need to be more trusting ....... from a cynical old fart.

[Jake]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks Curley, this topic is getting hot......

 

I really admire ALL the comments reflecting the many suggestions to a very diverse and difficult situations dealing

with the extended family.  You may solve the problem by handling one way but chit happens sometime.  That same

action may not work all the time.  

 

I believe your first line of defense/offense is a good communication with wife/GF that works both ways.  Curley is in

a position where many of your wife are living in a foreign country.  Many of you guys have been planning carefully

about budgeting your next airfare to PI and a bigger budget that will support your extended vacation there.  That

must be put on the table again once you come back.  Just for me and Judy, I would imagine at least 6,000 bucks

total for a 3 month vacation.  With another 2K in reserve.  Unfortunately, my savings account is like my fuel gauge:

I'm running on near empty most of the time......

 

Respectfully -- Jake

Edited April 3, 2014 by Jake
spil chik

[davewe]

Curley - I think your original idea about a written agreement is a good one. Have extensive discussions with her and write down the decisions.

 

That being said, the problem with a document in writing is the same as the strength of a document in writing. It can feel for one or the other party to be inflexible. I have been married an entire 7 months and we have already modified several things we agreed to. If I had a written agreement my wife might feel she could never violate said agreement. The problem with that attitude is that I might never understand that her view on something had changed. She might be so busy keeping the agreement that it would end up causing us more tension than it is worth.

 

All women are flexible (sometimes too flexible). You have to balance the desire to put your decisions to paper with the fact that her mind and heart on something may change. For that matter even us guys change our minds once in a while.

 

So I think it's a good idea, as long as it doesn't feel like an inflexible contract.

[Curley]

Thanks Davewe, good answer, I wil remember that.

 

Now all I need is a list of all the things we should agree on. :cheersty:

Edited April 3, 2014 by Curley