Developing A Relationship, The Best Way And How Long?

[Jake]

Hey guys,

 

This is an excerpt from Filipino Courtship:  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Courtship_in_the_Philippines

 

This teasing phase actually helps in circumventing such an embarrassing predicament because formal courtship has not yet officially started. Furthermore, this "testing phase" also helps a man who could be "torpe", a Filipino term for a suitor who is shy, stupid and feels cowardly, and is innocent and naïve in how to court a woman. However, this type of admirer could overcome his shyness and naivety by asking for the help of a "tulay" (Filipino for "Bridge", whose role is similar to that of the Wingman in Western Cultures), typically a mutual friend of both the suitor and the Filipina, or a close friend of both families.

 

Of course, most of us don't have the time or a Filipino tulay to be your go between.  Again, it may not be the best

way but the Filipino courtship is well practiced throughout the island group.  Just come over with bags and bags of

imported chocolate, perfume and cheap toys for her little siblings.  Most of all, project your brightest smile (yeah,

I need to get my teeth whitened) and your well behaved manners.  Your every move will be watched by everyone,

including their family dog......he, he. 

Edited August 4, 2014 by Jake
spil chek

[rfhypnos]

I have a question that covers long distance relationships with the Filipina and cultural norms of the society.  I am contemplating marriage with a much younger woman, I am 68 and she is 42.  She is very poor lady from Bohol who hangs with the very rich in Makati. They seem willing and able to take her places that she cannot afford but she has become part of a group from church.   So a group of 8 or 10 or so will take off for a weekend sometimes as a retreat but often not.  This weekend (she is now my fiance) and 7 girl friends and 3 guys are all going to a resort in Quezon to spend the weekend together.  several of the women are married and two husbands coming along, but there is one single guy who my fiance tells me is probably gay, but no one knows for sure.  She assures me that I will often be part of the party via Skype and she really does make an effort to communicate with me twice daily as we get to know each other better and better.  Does this sound like anything traditional in the culture or should i be suspicious?   I'm a little paranoid because my last American wife cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. 

[UnCheckedOther]

The barkada, or group, is big in the Philippines. So yes, it's a cultural thing. My cousins (20-37 years old) go on weekend trips with their barkada, usually island hopping. Holy Week has become an excuse to see and be seen in "Bora" (Boracay) or Balesin. Filipinos tend to be very community-based. It's a bit like "All for One and One for All."

It's nice that she makes the effort to communicate with you twice daily. Did she introduce you to her friends? Do y'all know each other? Is there transparency on Facebook?

More importantly, have you talked about how your possibly moving to the Philippines will affect her barkada hols? I know you said she said you'll be a part of it, but what about the times when you don't feel up for Bora or Balesin? Are you comfortable with the jet-setting life? I apologize if my questions are out of line; just trying to help you see the bigger picture.

Leilani

[UnCheckedOther]

Also, rfhypnos, I'm sorry about your former wife. Nobody deserves being cheated on. Please remember that her cheating is her issue, not yours. Don't ever think that it's something you did or didnt do, or that you weren't good enough or simply enough. You deserve love, kindness, and honesty. So please just look into the mirror and tell yourself that you are worthy. Easier said than done, yes, but just be confident that you are the kind of man that women cherish. I wish you happiness with your fiancee!

[El Negrito]

Does this sound like anything traditional in the culture or should i be suspicious?   I'm a little paranoid because my last American wife cheated on me after 15 years of marriage. 

 

I think there is nothing wrong with being a bit suspicious after this happening. That said I have a few friends in PI and it seems like these types of weekend trips are common. I think you will have to go with your gut on this and follow the above suggestions of Leilani.

[rfhypnos]

So one of the interesting things about my fiancé and her friends is that she feels once away in US or in Bohol if we settle there that the jet setting will stop and she wants to be with me all the time in her words. I do know all of the friends and they know me from Skype with her Ipad which she takes everywhere so I know whats happening. The only thing I don't have is transparency on her FB. She has privacy settings which don't allow me to post anything unless in put it in a message. So that makes me wonder and photos of me that were there temporarily are now gone. She does say that she is in a relationship but that may only be visible to me. I think it is time to ask for the transparency you suggest or maybe resort to private detective? Would I be out of line to do that? I am coming to Bohol for 4 months to be with her and really get to know her. Maybe as a first step I can open my FB completely and allow her to see everything there. I don't have much privacy now though. She is still on one of the dating sites Badoo, bu of course I cannot go there. It would be like stalking which I don't want to do. Iam trying to build trust.

[Methersgate]

I would find that a bit worrying, yes. The fact that she is on a dating site is also a cause for concern. I don't think Skype can be any sort of reassurance to you, because she can time things so you don't see what she does not want you to see. I would absolutely expect her friends to be "in on the joke"

 

There is the unpleasant possibility that the reason why a woman from a poor background can hang out with a wealthy set is that she is the mistress of a wealthy man, and she might very well be lining up a foreigner for when she is cast off by her primary means of support. 

I would not waste money on a private detective - the advice given here in the past has been that they are somewhat unreliable, and expensive. I would cautiously suggest that you cultivate her friends on Facebook  - if one of them takes a liking to you, they may tell you something. 

Edited October 16, 2014 by Methersgate

[frosty (chris)]

So one of the interesting things about my fiancé and her friends is that she feels once away in US or in Bohol if we settle there that the jet setting will stop and she wants to be with me all the time in her words. I do know all of the friends and they know me from Skype with her Ipad which she takes everywhere so I know whats happening. The only thing I don't have is transparency on her FB. She has privacy settings which don't allow me to post anything unless in put it in a message. So that makes me wonder and photos of me that were there temporarily are now gone. She does say that she is in a relationship but that may only be visible to me. I think it is time to ask for the transparency you suggest or maybe resort to private detective? Would I be out of line to do that? I am coming to Bohol for 4 months to be with her and really get to know her. Maybe as a first step I can open my FB completely and allow her to see everything there. I don't have much privacy now though. She is still on one of the dating sites Badoo, bu of course I cannot go there. It would be like stalking which I don't want to do. Iam trying to build trust.

Well there are a couple of red flags there, if you ask me. She has an Ipad, not many poor filipina's have these, most would have a mob phone but not an ipad. The fb settings would concern me also, you say she has on her fb she is in a relationship but with whom, I would certainly ask her to change her settings to give full access, also in my experience when most filipina's find their man they will usually close all their dating websites, I know a few that haven't but I will say no more on that subject or run the risk of being banned. I am not saying she is doing anything wrong, woman here do act differently from what most western men believe. I know a few young ladies here that have no visible means of support and they have a very active social life and live a good life compared to the average local, I can only guess how this occurs. I have learnt that things here are not always what they seem. Me personally I would proceed with caution.

[UnCheckedOther]

Still on a dating site? Some people have profiles that they made donkeys ago and haven't used, so check when she last logged in. If it's recently, as Methersgate said, there's cause for concern.

As for the FB thing, a lot of Filipinos seem to be addicted to it, and you can often see people's true colours from their profile no matter how hard they try to create a glossy image. The different settings for different groups of people are a giveaway. I get the need to differentiate professional vs. personal lives, but extreme compartamentalization is nuts. Anyhoo...can you see the friends list? Is it mostly Filipinos or are there some foreign men? What are the comments on the photos? Are they mostly from foreign men saying stuff like, "Lukin gud sweaty" or the like? Is there a link to your profile after the IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH status? Has it been updated to ENGAGED TO after your engagement?

In this day and age, social media is ubiquitous. If her badoo profile is easily found because she uses the same username for social media, it's not really stalking. It's being careful. I google potential dates beforehand/check FB profiles for safety reasons. That's how I found out a potential date had been arrested for hitting a police dog after a Red Sox win riot.

Trust doesn't come out of thin air and it has to be built on a foundation of something unshakable. Have a talk with your fiancee and express your concerns. Maybe she's simply not aware of your concerns.

[Methersgate]

"Triple LIKE" as Jake would say, Leilani.