I Am Probably The Father Of A 1 Year Old Child

[afathertobe]

Hi all

 

I just got the message yesterday and it's still a bit of a shock to say the least. 

 

I went to holidays in the Philippines in January 2013 and met a girl who I had (unprotected) sex with. 

We talked about it afterwards and researched a morning-after pill in the Philippines which is available over the counter. However as my plane left in the morning I didn't know whether or not she really took it. 

 

Fast forward yesterday and I got a message from her over Facebook (she unfriended me long ago) that I am the father of a 1 year old child. Her back then boyfriend (also a Westerner) questioned the paternity, so they went to do two DNA tests, both negative. She wrote that I was the only other guy she had sex with, and that the boy really looks like me. In disbelief I asked her to send me scans of the DNA test, and she did. It is as she said, two tests, the second clearly stating her name, 3 days old. Negative, her boyfriend is not the father. He left her apparently, though the boy still has his Surname. 

 

She wants me to come to the Philippines and do a DNA test. I haven't had the chance to talk anything further with her, as she went offline after sending me the tests this morning. 

 

I haven't fully processed it yet, it's such an unexpected event. And yet I am someone who takes responsibility for his actions, and intend to do my part if he is really my son. 

 

As for my personal situation, I am in my thirties, single, have a solid job outside my home country in Europe, but am not rich by any means. I have the financial means to support her and our son in the Philippines, but could not bring her where I currently live and work. 

 

I try to think straight but it's really hard, I need to act fast, make decisions, discuss things with the mother but have no idea what to do, how to proceed. It's all a bit too much to me and would really appreciate your help. 

[MikeB]

You don't have to go back to the Philippines to do the test, a local company can do it as long as the mother sends a sample from the child. I'm sure they do it all the time. If she refuses you probably have your answer. Welcome to the forum.

[Jack Peterson]

  I try to think straight but it's really hard, I need to act fast, make decisions, discuss things with the mother but have no idea what to do, how to proceed. It's all a bit too much to me and would really appreciate your help. 

 

 

Firstly my Friend, have a read of this link

 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Parental_testing

 

Then for me, I would be asking for, proof of confinement, hospital( Gyny  charges and such) Delivery charges etc Scans of the pregnancy( All mothers Keep these.)

 

Lets be honest, you have to first,  establish that there is a 1 year old child. Seems a little odd that she should put down a boyfriends name, on the birth certificate, before the DNA Test. and there is something else, get a copy of the NSO BC .

 

I am  not and i am sure no one else will, make it all a negative topic but  This, is all a little long after the birth, 1 (one Year) + the 9 months pregnancy hmmmmmmm. My friend, sorry but I smell a little fishy smell here. Lets hope you are not at the start of a scam.

 

 

Now you have Started this Topic, I do hope you don't run off, Keep us informed, it will help others that may find the same thing happen.

 

 

 

OH! YES Sorry   :welcome:

 

JP :tiphat:

[Dave Hounddriver]

how to proceed. It's all a bit too much to me and would really appreciate your help. 

 

Surely you will get good advice here, but your post says you are a responsible guy.  On the other hand, she was screwing you while she had another foreign boyfriend so there is karma at work here.  It means I would surely question her truthfulness and if I were to send money I would doubt that the money would be used in the best interests of the child (based on the mother's proven lack of ethics).

 

So my course of action would be to tell her that I do not believe the baby is mine but I would be willing to do one of 2 things:  The first option would be up to her to prove beyond a doubt who the father of the child is (not your problem how she does that as you have no facts to prove how many guys she slept with).  The second option would be to offer a one time, set amount of money equal to what you would spend on legal fees, DNA searches, and whatever else your conscience demands.

 

PS:  My opinion is based on my experience being the 'other guy' who told his gf that he had no intention of supporting some other guy's 'love child'.

 

Seems a little odd that she should put down a boyfriends name, on the birth certificate, before the DNA Test.

 

I don't see it as odd, Jack.  The 'other guy' probably thought it was his, based on her not telling him otherwise.  About the time the youngster started to show features that did not look like what the 'other guy' saw in the mirror, he would start thinking of a DNA.  Thats when the sh&t undoubtedly hit the fan.  Chances are there was no DNA test done, she probably just admitted her indiscretion and the 'other guy' walked away from her.

Edited August 29, 2014 by Dave Hounddriver

[Jollygoodfellow]

I need to act fast, make decisions,

 

No you don't, you need to take your time and think this out. Why would you need to rush as the mother and child are going no where and they survived 12 months without you so just proceed slowly with caution. 

[afathertobe]

First of all thanks guys for the advice. We are now in contact with each other, chatting online. 

 

She already sent me the two DNA tests done this months (one 10 days old without the proper names, one 3 days old with the full names of mother, child and alleged father)

 

And she just sent me some pictures of him, and he really does look like me. I am very excited to be honest, if he's my son I will not doge my responsibility as a father, no matter how he was conceived. 

 

So I will fly to Manilla tonight and get a DNA test done tomorrow, which should settle the question once and for all, which is what I want. A scam it can't be, I am going there personally, not sending a money or trusting a certificate at an institute I haven't been. 

 

But I am slowly coming to the realization that he is indeed my son. Crazy world, never thought this would happen. 

 

As for the boyfriend, she was with him when we met, I think she even told me about him.. that's why he thought for a long time that he was the father, until he got older and really didn't look like him at all. That's what she told me. Now that the second DNA test confirmed the first (inofficial) one she left her, and that's when she contacted me. I guess she suspected it a long time ago, but hoped he wouldn't find out, who knows.. 

 

So yes, gotta pack my suitcase and go to the airport. Thanks again for any useful advice. 

The DNA test results apparently come some 2 weeks later, enough time hopefully to inform myself about all the legal matters.

[robert k]

I will second the above, go slow. Mother is an observation, father is an opinion. If the child is yours, you will take care of he/she. Nobody can blame you for being doubtful. There may or may not be three more candidates, you just don't know.

[Methersgate]

Do please be careful. A small baby will look like anyone. I got caught this way myself before the days of quick and easy DNA tests.

Remember - she only rediscovered her interest in you because the regular foreign boyfriend, unsurprisingly, left her, when confronted with incontrovertible evidence that she had been screwing other men.

You have only her word that you were the only other one she was screwing. On the face of it, that is pretty unlikely. 

I sense that the advice you are getting here is not quite what you want to hear, but many of us have made these mistakes.

[Methersgate]

As regards "legal matters", you can spend a small fortune proving paternity, getting the NSO Birth Certificate changed and registering the birth with your Embassy, but by the time you have done all that what have you actually done except fasten a ball and chain round your leg?

 

Once you have done it, it is done, and it is not something that you can un-do. Much better keep it as something you may do later.

 

ABOVE ALL ---- DO NOT MARRY HER!

You will naturally want to make your child "legitimate", and she will apply intense emotional blackmail.

You MUST ignore this.

The child won't even notice for the first few years, during which time you will be able to make a sensible and informed decision about whether a one night stand is really a good way to select a wife  
 

[Hey Steve]

A child is now a 1 year old. Why the emergency-as Jollygoodfellow simply advised? Premium price for a same day int'l ticket? That's got to cost an arm and a leg in itself. Not to mention all the expenses involved. It's not like a loved one is on their death bed or something. I'm hoping there's follow up on this story as the OP may now be on his way (?).