The Desire To Help The Family

[Mr Lee]

You guys want to know something pretty funny to me. Well only one boy who graduated college (out of the six we sent) but did not pass the exam to be an electrical engineer, even after I had sent him to summer school each year of college and sent him to a refresher class for his final exam, is now working in Riyadh, and has been for a couple of years. His father is ill and his sister was chatting with me online telling me of her fathers problems and I asked why doesn't her brother send money to pay for the doctors and tests. Her answer to me was "uncle he has never sent any money home" and I verified this with others in the family as well, so once again it is the kano who ends up paying, but their father is a great guy so I really do not mind. In fact I never mind paying for real emergencies and unfortunately with such a large family since my wife is one of thirteen, and all with a dozen children and the children with children, it happens all too often. :(

[Mike S]

Art2ro ..... thank you for the kind words .... means even more to me coming from a Filipino ..... no the guy is a Canadian actor living in the US ... first saw him in a movie called "Trailer House Gang" he played a character who lived in a storage shed beside his friends trailer in a trailer park ...... very funny movie .... and guess what ..... his real name is Mike S ..... Jake ....... a customized dog house ayyyy .... well could be worse I suppose .... LOL ..... well my asawa is not really hard headed ..... ooooooops sorry about that she is not strong willed ...... I'm hard headed ..... :( :hystery: ..... no we get along super ..... I give in to her a lot but she doesn't wear the pants in the family .... we talk and discuss everything and we both really listen to the other not just offer lip service .... she is a great woman and I wouldn't trade her for anything .... Filipinas can be very very loving ..... caring and understanding ..... but then I have never raised my voice to her or her to me ..... in fact for the past 5 years we have not had an argument or major disagreement ..... our disagreements come from me not wanting to wear a collared shirt or color she might suggest for me to wear ...... (buzz word suggest .... neither one of us tell the other what to do) ..... sometimes me being old I get tired or don't feel good and she says I get cranky ..... but then she will say " it's OK I don't pay attention to you anyway when you are like that" ..... :mocking: :bash: :hystery: ......My god Jake 30 years .... well not sure how we will be in 30 years cause I'll be in my 90's ...... :hystery: :hystery: ..... I'll never make it that long .... :hystery: :hystery:

[Tatoosh]

I respect your patience in helping the family, Mr Lee. I doubt I would have stuck with it for the five that didn't finish after two or so came up short. I understand the willingness to help the father and it is sad that the one son that did graduate doesn't respect his own family enough to help his parents and siblings. You did the best you could for them and that should be the end of it for those that you tried to help, in terms of any future requests except maybe to chip in for a headstone. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. If it were my relatives, that would be the end of it, full stop.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Tatoosh

[Garpo]

Once you accept that you can never give enough and that they are never going to stop asking then you have pretty much learned to deal with the problem. Saying NO has got pretty easy for me and my wife is getting much better at it also.I might also add that one of the conditions that I have put on the lending or giving of money is that who ever it is provided too, then they are not allowed to tell other family members. I have found that this tends to help with the problem of one relative feeling like they are entitled to the same or sometimes even more than one of the others.

[daisy]

Often times, this desire to help the family members will be burned out if the creepy feeling of being abused and used will start to appear. We Filipinas is probably one of the most patient people on earth when it comes to family but the moment it will be over...IT is really OVER!

[Dzighnman]

Often times, this desire to help the family members will be burned out if the creepy feeling of being abused and used will start to appear. We Filipinas is probably one of the most patient people on earth when it comes to family but the moment it will be over...IT is really OVER!

After reading through all the posts, I see some of our experiences in each... the sending to college and failing, the medical emergencies (we also asked for names and numbers) etc. Two points I feel are important as I compare our experiences: 1). Our immediate family has never asked and most times needs coaxing to accept our gifts...(we now collect our gift giving to the main Xmas and Bday's as the "just because" gifts are generally and respectfully declined). Now, 2 sisters and the rest of the extended family... different story all together. and 2). My wife and I did have this discussion early on as I did understand the cultural aspect.... she actually started the dialogue with , "So you know, I will not expect anything from you for my family, I will work/save myself if I decide something is important to pay... "if anyone asks you for anything, you tell me and I will handle it". She has worked hard in her life and she has a true appreciation for the effort required to make the money, and a good sense for when she is being scammed. We have also spent time split between the USA and Asia and when in the USA, she takes even the most menial jobs (below her education level) so that she can feel she is contributing to our family first, then some for her mom and dad.... one sister was all she tried to get through college but that ended when the sis was not trying as hard as my wife expected she should.... in all, I would have likely been more generous as I love her parents as my own and enjoy helping them out whenever it is appropriate.... and I guess maybe her strict management of the financial contributions has made it that way.... IDK. When we relocated to the Philippines, I talked her into offering her immediate family roles in our restaurant venture (which is in hiatus while we attend to business in the USA)... the biz was very successful, but the family experience not so... her parents stood by and while they and I embraced our cultural differences, my wife attended to her "lazy" [her words, not mine] sisters.... in the end, she fired both of them... of course, I do not know all the exact conversations, but the jist was that they saw no need to work for us since it was too hard being servers..... but for us to not forget their Bday and Xmas.. .which brings me to the comment Daisy made that prompted my sharing our story, "We Filipinas is probably one of the most patient people on earth when it comes to family but the moment it will be over...IT is really OVER!" OH SO TRUE!!! Unfortunately for our 2 sisters in this story.... My wife decided that they, having insulted and embarrassed her by being lazy and turning down a real long term solution to better their own lives and that of their kids, that they needed some tough love and they are notably missing from our Xmas and Bday card lists now and were no place to be seen during the holidays... somehow, she got them the message that their children were still welcome but that they were not.... she is a very shrewd person when it comes to the "lazy" folks. For me, as possibly many westerners, I am so much more generous when the hand is not outstretched, there is a level of trust established and when given the opportunity people will work to improve their lives….my wife seems to have embraced that concept all on her own.

[billten]

Along with everyone else, i have also had to deal with this issue.One thing i wanted to add to this thread is a quote from a Filipino sociology professor (sorry i could not find the original source) who i read some years ago. He said that in the Philippine culture it only takes giving three times to make someone your dependent. He explained it to say that if you give money a maximum of three times, without any kind of expectation and proof of the recipient working for the money, there is a silent but mutually agreed upon contract of dependence. This agreement is understood and unspoken within the Filipino family and culture.I'm not sure it is as exact as this, but i know that this is a real factor to consider when it comes to dealing with the family. Be very careful as to the seeds you sow, they may grow into something you didn't expect...