Supporting A Family

[Hesalright]

Stevewool's recent topics made me think about the expectation of filipina's living overseas (not OFW but just married and living overseas)

I'm sure this has been talked about before but I just want to add my story to this subject.

My wife god bless her supports her whole family 5 adults 8 kids only one adult is working. She sends as much as she can every few weeks on average it's 25000 per month.

That's a huge amount for the average family in the Philippines.

But this amount is not enough for her family. Every week like clockwork there is an emergency in the family (medicine,school books, oweing money to sari sari store) the list goes on...

And as always she sends money like she is expected to.

This has..of course been a major issue in our marriage and has caused many arguments and dis agreements over the years.

My wife is now at breaking point with her family as she realises no matter how much she sends it will never be enough.

[sonjack2847]

I must be one of the lucky one`s as my inlaws ask for nothing. We do help when it is needed but they take of themselves on a day to day basis. We don`t get begging letters for Sari stores or school at all so I feel for you and your wife. Actually one of my friends who is also an aussie has the same story as you but his wife told her family where to go quite a while ago. These people will try sit on their asses and ask for money as long as you let them. I have met people all over Asia and Europe who would rather sit there and let someone pay for them. Maybe you could send less next month and tell them you are ill see how they react to that, but then again that might cause friction between you and your wife.There is no easy answer mate so I will just wish you the best and hope it works for you.

[frosty (chris)]

Sorry mate, you are on a hiding to nothing, doesn't really matter what you do it will never be enough. When I first came here my g/f's sister needed a loan for her young daughter for a medical emergency ( yeah right)  gave the money no problems, got all these promises to repay still waiting 1 year later, lent her family money and  had heaps of trouble getting it back, said to her, you get the money back and you can keep it, after 2 months my girl said to me, never again will we lend money to her family, sorry old son they will bleed you dry and they won't even care. Best thing I read on this forum, learn how to say NO.

Edited February 27, 2015 by frosty (chris)

[Dave Hounddriver]

My wife god bless her supports her whole famil

 

Lots do.  We can see those families drinking and doing their drugs and bragging about the houses their OFW relative bought 'for them' all the time.  So long as your wife feels good doing it then all is well.  Few families here really appreciate how hard their overseas relatives struggle to send money.  The local family members seem to think they have sent their relatives overseas to simply pick the leaves off the money trees.

[mogo51]

I set the parameters with my gf when we first met and have not budged from it.  I take care of her alone, not interested in anyone else.  She earns her own income and she can do what she likes with it.  But she knows never to ask me for money for her family, as it will not be forthcoming.

I am only here to look after her, no exceptions.  I feel no obligation to her family whatso ever.

[Methersgate]

Here is a longish tale of family duplicity...

My ex wife, whom I still see socially due to one child being 13 and shared between us, has gone into vertical take off mode with her sister.

 

Here is the tale:

Ex wife lives in UK with boyfriend, has UK citizenship. Sister, after a racketty past as a jappayuki, etc., now lives in Dubai, works for IT business. Sister's daughter was in college in Phils, fees paid by... ME... until she got herself pregnant by the usual useless male - she now has a baby a few weeks old. I was supporting her because a couple of years back she had been raped and her aunt, my ex, asked me for a favour. However supporting someone through college is one thing, supporting a single mother who could not be bothered with a condom is another, so I am out of it and supporting one of K's nieces instead.

Sister in Dubai, now a new grandmother at 40, was planning to get her daughter to Dubai to work with her (or maybe "work" less reputably, we don't know...) so what was to happen to the baby? 

 

Right -baby was to be dumped on Grandma! Just as the daughter herself had been dumped on grandma, 20 years before. Grandma is now 70 and has had a stroke... and is living in the (actually rather nice) house that I gave my ex wife... 

...ex wife now picking my brains on how to get her mother to the UK...

Edited February 27, 2015 by Methersgate

[Hesalright]

We are going there in 2 weeks and my wife will tell them if they can't budget the money she sends then she will stop working.

[Thomas]

Stevewool's recent topics made me think about the expectation of filipina's living overseas (not OFW but just married and living overseas)

I'm sure this has been talked about before but I just want to add my story to this subject.

My wife god bless her supports her whole family 5 adults 8 kids only one adult is working. She sends as much as she can every few weeks on average it's 25000 per month.

That's a huge amount for the average family in the Philippines.

But this amount is not enough for her family. Every week like clockwork there is an emergency in the family (medicine,school books, oweing money to sari sari store) the list goes on...

And as always she sends money like she is expected to.

This has..of course been a major issue in our marriage and has caused many arguments and dis agreements over the years.

My wife is now at breaking point with her family as she realises no matter how much she sends it will never be enough.

That's a CRAZY to high amount per month for Filipinos, NOT ODD they are lazy and don't bother to work...

I know a 18 persons family, who has lived of 50 000 p per YEAR (until recently, when 4 of the 6 grown ups got work elsewhere.)

 

 

Why support them AT ALL, if they don't do their best to support THEMSELVES??

=(Except to old or disabled to work) I'm against regular support, but for "Help-to-self-help".

 

I would suggest you talk to your wife and suggest a solution like the following, based at the tale

"If you give a fish, you will have to give for ever, but if you make so they can fish themselves, then you only need to do it one time."

=Tell the family they will get a LAST chance to get support from you and your wife. This last time you will support them including KNOWLEDGE to start OWN business, so they can stop being lazy and SUPPORT THEMSELVES from now on.  IF they mess up and lose the business, then it's THEIR problem...

 

To reduce the pressure at your wife, you can tell her she can tell her family YOU have desided that.  (I have told my gf,, if she will become to hard pressured, it's ok she can blame me   :dance:      

[Old55]

It's too late for you Hesalright but the key is a set budget for support (or not) before marriage. The wife and family must clearly understand and agree. No two families or couples are the same some forum members refuse to aid Filipino family members others do as needed or a set amount. We have spent for school for some family and now are sending three or four thousand in order for Mamma and Pappa to have a house helper. 

[jon1]

It's too late for you Hesalright but the key is a set budget for support (or not) before marriage. The wife and family must clearly understand and agree. No two families or couples are the same some forum members refuse to aid Filipino family members others do as needed or a set amount. We have spent for school for some family and now are sending three or four thousand in order for Mamma and Pappa to have a house helper. 

I agree, it is water under the bridge. Now you need to sit down with your wife before you go back there and figure out what is acceptable to the both of you. You will both have to compromise to come up with an amicable solution. I would plan to stay elsewhere and visit the family when doing this budget confrontation. That way you and your wife can have some space while they calm down (if they do, I am sure that they will be resentful as they tend to be selfish or childish). You and your wife's arrival is going to be perceived of, as a "fiesta a day" until you leave. I would not be surprised if this issue clouds your holiday. In fact, if it was me, I would plan on only a one or two day visit with the family to allow the wife to give her pasalubong and see her family. Then go somewhere and have a real enjoyable vacation. Somehow spending my holiday with "family issues" burning in the undercurrent does not appeal to me.