Borrow, Lend, Or Just Give It Away

[stevewool]

I have put started this thread in Living cost, because it may come out of the cash i have to live on,

We all know the difference between the big bad West and the loving East, but when you marry into either the west or east what a difference it can be,

I am from the west and a very large family 15 of us in the house hold, and we did not have much really but we all got on and we still do to,

God knows how mum and dad got by and they must have borrowed from Peter Paul and Mary all the time but you always paid it back with intrest too,

Leaving home and starting my life i too borrowed and got into a right mess and it took years to get of it, but i did and it learnt you a very hard lesson down borrow what you cant afford to pay back and so far its worked very well in my life and i must say my children's life too,

If i borrow money to anyone i expect it back , a gift is different its a gift,

Now we get onto the loving people from the Philippines who love there family so much and would do all they can to support there mum and dad and all there family no matter what, YER RIGHT,

Dont get me wrong there are a few good ones my wife being one of these people who would go without and give it all away to her dad and the rest of the family if i did let her,

What happens to the others who work and save and you know have enough but not a lot, why dont they ever give to the family, they tell you how much there parents mean to them and how much love they have for them but love dont help put food on the table pay a bill and so on, there kids have the latest phones all go to private school and i know they are saving very hard for there childrens future too, but what about there poor parents,

Is it down to the one who marries a westerner ,

I was explaining to my wife if my brothers and sisters was doing that to my parents there would be fights and they would be disowned too, but my wife says i understand what you are saying and i can see what they are doing but they are my parents too and i should help,

Its so annoying when and its very rare they call her and there life is great and Ems tries to ask for help for her dad, they soon have to go,

So where is this we are a loving people and we all love our family and we share everything , to be honest i think i have more family values then any of them , no offence ment to many who try hard to support there family

[lonewolf]

it is a slippery slope we enter when we fall for our beautiful filipina

[forget_it]

I come from a "not rich" family myself. I see a lot of similarities in east and west about caring for your family and helping others. The one striking difference I see, is the feeling of guilt.

I know many times when members of my family needed help, but would not ask. Owing money or asking for money, makes them feel guilty, so they often never ask. I know I feel the same way. If I'm not able to make it own my own, I feel guilty.

 

In the east, it seems the guilt runs in a different direction. If someone needs help or asks for money and you can't give, you feel guilty, and that guilt seems to be encouraged. It's just a different way of thinking, I suppose. One thing that does bother me though, is that if someone "borrows" money from you, they often end up acting hostile towards you. I think they maybe are embarrassed to owe you and feel it is your fault that they are embarrassed, It may also be, that they feel you should just offer them money and not make them have to "borrow" it.

 

My wife here was often put on the guilt trip. But when I make her look at the situation, it is never as bad as it is made out to be. She sees now, that if they can afford fancy phones and toys, they are not really that needy.

 

When we first married, I put it to her this way: What did they do before I came here? How did they survive? I don't mind helping in emergencies and we do help. I also explained it to her this way, and now she is much more frugal: We only have so much money and when it is gone, who here can we ask for help? When you can't buy food for our kids and the rent is past due, what are we going to do when we gave all our money away? I don't know what her conversation with her family was like after this, but no one asks for money anymore. If there is a big problem, I can usually tell by the way she acts, and I ask her what's going on. If it's a real need, we give, but we never loan.

 

No one seems to be upset by this, except one teenage boy who seems to think he is entitled to live like a prince. Otherwise, we all have a good relationship, and even the one teenager will sheepishly grin when I ask him how his "nightly party with friends" is going.

Edited March 28, 2015 by CaviteKano

[stevewool]

The problem i have at this moment is the wife off Ems brother,

No one lends her money in the family because she never repays but always asks again and again,

She ask my wife when we was there and i got involved and i said i wil borrow you this amount and you said you will pay it back by a certain time and if not dont ask again, well she did not pay it back, but i am glad now i can say no all the time without feeling bad,

The problem now is she is back asking Ems dad and he gives in , but its our money we are sending for him to look after himself, she plays the game about the children are not well and they need this and that, just makes me so angry and makes me think also stuff the lot of them too

[intrepid]

The problem now is she is back asking Ems dad and he gives in , but its our money we are sending for him to look after himself, she plays the game about the children are not well and they need this and that, just makes me so angry and makes me think also stuff the lot of them too

 

Well Steve, she has leard to play the game.  Her game!  This is a hard one.  The only suggestion would be to try to limit the "allowance" to dad to whatever had been set.  I have similar with mother-in-law.  I will not increse the allowance when requested when I know some is given away.  However, when a true emergence comes, I will help out.  Until you are there living with dad and pay everything yourself for him, its hard to control what he does with the money you send him.

Edited March 28, 2015 by intrepid

[Old55]

Common topic but one that affects most all of us.

Before we got married we talked about religion, children and support to Mom and Dad. We chose a small monthly amount for Mom and Dad what they do with it was their business. Over the years we spent for several close family member's schooling and to help first stock a small store that is become very successful. We don't support other family members only Mom and Dad, no exceptions. 

My wife and I have never had an argument over support because we worked it out at the start of our marriage and made it clear to our family.

[Thomas]

She sees now, that if they can afford fancy phones and toys, they are not really that needy.

My oppinion is if they can afford to

get drunk more than a FEW times per YEAR (or more than one beer per week)

or to smoke AT ALL,  

then they DON'T NEED my assistance...   :dance:     

I WOULDN'T afford anyway if several get cancer by the smoking. Them around can get it by passive smoking too...

No one seems to be upset by this, except one teenage boy who seems to think he is entitled to live like a prince.

Such I find EASY to say No too :mocking:

Harder though if someone REALY needing "let" the bad ones sneak from them.

[intrepid]

My wife and I have never had an argument over support because we worked it out at the start of our marriage and made it clear to our family.

 

This is great and everyone should do this.  The only problem is I suspect many people like me didn't know the culture and expectations when they met and got married.  I know most of my friends didn't.  It would be nice to have this topic incorperated into some kind of pre marriage counseling for men who get engaged to a woman from the Philippines.

[Dave Hounddriver]

pre marriage counseling for men who get engaged to a woman from the Philippines.

 

I suspect most men finding a filipina for the first time would not listen to any counseling that was not addressed to the smaller head.

[Kuya John]

 

pre marriage counseling for men who get engaged to a woman from the Philippines.

 

I suspect most men finding a filipina for the first time would not listen to any counseling that was not addressed to the smaller head.

 

You never really know someone till you marry them, we are all guilty of having two faces.

Pre- counselling already exsists for the Filipina, when my wife wanted to change her passport name to mine after our marriage, she still had to attend a pre-counselling session in Cebu, which incurred an overnight ferry boat ride for the 2 hour session!

But yes, I agree foriegners marrying Filipinas, should be made aware of the downside of the Filipino culture.