Helping out a deceased American friend. Advise needed!

[OnMyWay]

11 minutes ago, AlwaysRt said:

If his death was related to his VA benefit, the child could be entitled to survivor benefits. The VA (for some reason), unlike the State Department, has a very low bar for 'proof' of relationship. For example, to add my wife on my VA account, all I had to do was sign into my account online, enter her name and our marriage date, and confirm we were legally married (by clicking a box or something similar). There was no documentation submitted at all, 3 weeks or so later and she was on my account.

This sounds like a better option to spend some time on.

[Dave Hounddriver]

2 minutes ago, AlwaysRt said:

I know we are talking about a friend.

Yes.  But Tom was pretty matter-of-fact.  There wasn't even a memorial service as I recall.  Not enough people near where he lived knew him or cared.  And his family (distant relatives for the most part) wouldn't make the trip from Arkansas to Texas to hold a service.

If you are getting the idea that he was stubborn as a mule and did not have a lot of close friends then you are getting the right idea.  He had a lot of acquaintances but not too many he counted as close friends.

The girl he left behind is not particularly pretty and does not have a replacement boyfriend (that she is admitting or that I am aware of) so she works hard to pay the bills (at Mitsumi - pretty good job for a filipina). There are a lot of filipinas in her predicament, but I don't know of anyone else but Tom who would keep sending US$200 every 2 weeks for 4 years if they have any doubts that they are the father.  Kind of gives me twinges of guilt that he would do that, even though he may not be the real father, just because it was the right thing to do.  So now its up to me.  I am not gonna send her $200 every 2 weeks LOL.  So whats the right thing for me to do. . .  Hmmm . . . rhetorical question.

 

[AlwaysRt]

5 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

Yes.  But Tom was pretty matter-of-fact.  There wasn't even a memorial service as I recall.  Not enough people near where he lived knew him or cared.  And his family (distant relatives for the most part) wouldn't make the trip from Arkansas to Texas to hold a service.

If you are getting the idea that he was stubborn as a mule and did not have a lot of close friends then you are getting the right idea.  He had a lot of acquaintances but not too many he counted as close friends.

The girl he left behind is not particularly pretty and does not have a replacement boyfriend (that she is admitting or that I am aware of) so she works hard to pay the bills (at Mitsumi - pretty good job for a filipina). There are a lot of filipinas in her predicament, but I don't know of anyone else but Tom who would keep sending US$200 every 2 weeks for 4 years if they have any doubts that they are the father.  Kind of gives me twinges of guilt that he would do that, even though he may not be the real father, just because it was the right thing to do.  So now its up to me.  I am not gonna send her $200 every 2 weeks LOL.  So whats the right thing for me to do. . .  Hmmm . . . rhetorical question.

 

The Sherlock Holmes in me adds up all the circumstantial evidence presented here and comes to the following conclusions.

Based on his unwavering dedication, if Tom knew the child was his, he would have done the paperwork immediately.

Based on his almost aggressiveness in not talking about the possibility of not being the biological father, he knew or suspected the child was not his and viewed it as a private matter between him and his SO. 

again based on his unwavering dedication, whether he was the biological father or not, he looked at the child as his own and if given the time would have proved it by DNA or adoption. By this standard, the child is unquestionably his and he would have wanted every benefit passed on that he qualified for. The State Department will probably come to the previous observations and view this last one as irrelevant.

[jpbago]

I am not sure if a DNA test of the child only would show that the child is 100 % Filipino or 50/50 Filipino/American. This could decide if she needs to proceed or drop it. Perhaps asking her would be sufficient as she should know what the test results would be.

From Dave's opinion on the child's face now, if you look at the Filipina beauty pageants of a mixed parenting, the foreign genes stand out. My wife can tell immediately if the child's father is a foreigner. For me, they all look the same.

[Snowy79]

Can the DNA not be compared to another family member? I'm pretty sure I've read that there's been cases where a rapists have been found when a family member committed a crime and there was significant match in the DNA which made the police look at the family.

[OnMyWay]

4 hours ago, Snowy79 said:

Can the DNA not be compared to another family member?

Even if that is possible, it will make an already complex situation even more complex, and costly.  Any U.S. lawyer involvement would take away all future gains, unless a lawyer took it for free.

5 hours ago, jpbago said:

Perhaps asking her would be sufficient as she should know what the test results would be.

Somebody, sooner than later, will have to say to her, face to face, eye to eye,  "Your son does not look like Tom at all.  Are you 110% sure that Tom is the father?  It will cost a lot of money to prove it".  Her reaction should be easy to read and indicate if there is any sense in moving forward.

[Tukaram (Tim)]

Bad situation. We can all use this as a lesson to plan ahead and be prepared for our deaths.  Proving paternity will hard and, on a Filipina salary, almost impossibly expensive.  Without trying to get into the should of/could have/would have, at least filing the birth with the US authorities would have gone a long way.  I would think a DNA test would be required and would need the consent of his family. Since they were not married her options are limited. At least a widow can petition to go to the US, a girlfriend has no real legal status or protection.

Reminds me of an expat I knew that died last year. He swore that his wife would get his Social Security when he died. Although she had never lived in the US and was only 21 at the time... I tried to nicely show him the links to the SS website... but he was an argumentative old cuss and would hear none of it.  The day after he died his family back in the US (that he trusted to "do right by her") immediately froze all his bank accounts and gave her nothing when they sold his houses. He had nothing set up in advance and she was penniless. She did not even have money for a funeral.

[Gary D]

Just suggesting to her that a DNA test is necessary should make her jump one way or the other. If she knows he is not the father she won't be will to progress it.

[Dave Hounddriver]

FOLLOW UP QUESTION:

14 hours ago, Gary D said:

Just suggesting to her that a DNA test is necessary should make her jump one way or the other. If she knows he is not the father she won't be will to progress it.

You are surely correct, and from the advice I am reading on this forum I am looking at this the wrong way.

My goal is to honor the request of a departed friend.  He wanted "someone" to take care of "his son".  So let us imagine that our suspicions are correct.  I am not here to help the filipina mother, although I have no problems if she benefits as she will need to take care of the boy.  Getting money or passport for the boy from Tom's social security sounds like the wrong way to go.  Here is my follow up question:

How possible is it that the filipina and her son could emigrate to the US if they had one or more American sponsors who lived in the US and would sign sponsorship papers?  Tom's other two best friends live in the US.  One of them is married to a cousin of Tom's gf and is therefore related to Tom's son. Both of Tom's other two best friends are by no means poor and both are willing to help, but not just to throw money at the problem.  They would help her if she would help herself and the fact that she is working at Mitsumi speaks volumes.  Its hard work and its hard to keep that job.

What is the procedure for her to apply to go live in the US, get a job, and raise Tom's son in the USA?  Honestly, once she is there I am sure she will find dozens of young suitor's and both her and the child will be fine.

Is this a viable option and how would one go about starting that procedure?  If this is another dead end I think I'll just drop it and Tom will know I gave it my best efforts.

[jpbago]

53 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

 One of them is married to a cousin of Tom's gf and is therefore related to Tom's son.

This would be the one. It might depend on how long this cousin has been in the USA before they can sponsor two others.