living with a separated filipina woman - possible problems with ex

[robert k]

I think I wouldn't go for separation under the circumstances as it would just give notice and possibly raise unwanted interest in the matter. I would move the prospective GF far away from family and friends.

Best if none of her family or friends ever see you and not even know if your GF caught a foreigner or a Filipino. The fact is, if you or the GF piss off one person, that could be enough for them to seek out her husband. Someone who doesn't like her husband could seek him out to tell him, just to piss him off.

[Kuya John]

Well all this advice has scared me off.........If I had been told all these possibilities before I met up with my G/F -wife, things may not of happened.

Peterfe, You have not mentioned how long you have known this lady, forgive me for saying, but there are plenty of fish in the sea around Philippines.

A life of looking over your shoulder is no life, the stress it will put you both under might become unbearable, then what, more trouble.(Double trouble)

If you are already in a relationship with this lady, the answer may lay in another country.

[Snowy79]

2 hours ago, peterfe said:

Many thanks to everyone for your helpful replies, especially Snowy79. I am seriously considering my options. One possibility is to have regular holidays with my girlfriend abroad, but in between let her stay close to her family and friends (her husband lives a long way away now), and during that time not meet too often and certainly not spend the night together. Presumably we couldn't be arrested for adultery under Filipino law if it took place abroad. But of course the husband might still want to slit my throat when we came back...

Definitely a good move. There's plenty of nearby countries where she can visit without a visa. Again there's no guarantee she'll be allowed out of the country though. Immigration tends to look on women on their own leaving the country with suspicion. I'd take her to places where foreigners are common inside the Philippines. Bohol, El Nido, Boracay etc. You'll blend in there and also see other mixed nationality relationships. I'd also recommend having one week yourself in the likes of Angeles, Boracay, Sabang Puerto Galera to get an understanding of what it's like to be in demand. 

If you go down the annulment route it'll take about 2 years and plenty of money anyway so at least you'll be  put through a forced due diligence. If she doesn't have money the husband is going to put two and two together as to where the money is coming from. There's currently no legal separation only annulment. At a rough guess you'll be looking at a minimum of 200,000 php. Just make sure she's not getting you to pay it so she can marry her other boyfriend if she has one.

 It sounds harsh but I regularly see Filipinos drop their girls off at girlie bars where they get bar fined by foreigners for the night. It's a sacrifice the Filipino is happy to make as long as she brings home the money. As I say this is a poor country in areas. 

[Gator]

18 hours ago, peterfe said:

I’m new to this forum and quite new to the Philippines, and I’d very much appreciate some advice........SNIP......

 

Of course there’s always a risk that someone he knows might happen to be living in the same place we choose to live in and recognize my girlfriend, but I think the chances of that happening are almost non-existent, if we’re in a completely different part of the country. 

Hello and welcome to the forum.

You'd be surprised how well the "Bamboo Telegraph" works in the Phils. Not only that, but social media (especially FaceBook) is like a highly addictive drug to a high percentage of ppl there.

For me it's "Risk vs. Reward"; and the risk of getting into a relationship with a married woman in any way, shape or form far outweighs the reward.

 

3 hours ago, peterfe said:

Many thanks to everyone for your helpful replies, especially Snowy79. I am seriously considering my options. One possibility is to have regular holidays with my girlfriend abroad, but in between let her stay close to her family and friends (her husband lives a long way away now), and during that time not meet too often and certainly not spend the night together. Presumably we couldn't be arrested for adultery under Filipino law if it took place abroad. But of course the husband might still want to slit my throat when we came back...

And if you go that route you seriously think he or her family will never find out about you?

1 hour ago, Snowy79 said:

Definitely a good move. There's plenty of nearby countries where she can visit without a visa. Again there's no guarantee she'll be allowed out of the country though. Immigration tends to look on women on their own leaving the country with suspicion. 

If you go down the annulment route it'll take about 2 years and plenty of money anyway so at least you'll be  put through a forced due diligence. If she doesn't have money the husband is going to put two and two together as to where the money is coming from. There's currently no legal separation only annulment. At a rough guess you'll be looking at a minimum of 200,000 php. Just make sure she's not getting you to pay it so she can marry her other boyfriend if she has one. 

Quite true about what you say about visiting other countries with a Pinay and yes, the BOI will give her extra scrutiny. 

@ Peterfe - don't presume anything when it comes to the law there. Taking a married Pinay to another country for an adulteress relationship could be construed as Human Trafficking (Google it and you'll see the definitions are rather broad). I believe adultery is a bailable offense; human trafficking is not and it could be several years before you even go to trial. Again >>> Risk vs. Reward.

If you're really serious about a relationship with this woman, then my only advice would be to go the annulment route. However, as Snowy very righty pointed out it's a long as well as expensive process, there's no guarantee she'll stay with you when it's done and nor is there any guarantee her husband will even agree to it. Frankly speaking, I'd be more concerned of his feeling he lost face and putting a bullet in your head. Life is cheap in Phils. Once again >>> Risk vs. Reward.

 

 

Edited July 12, 2017 by Gator

[Old55]

Gator makes very valid points. Is there any way to actually know what her husbands thoughts are?

Honestly if the lady is truly the love of your life then pay for an annulment then marriage. If you're not that serious there are many amazing single Filipinas who would truly love you and make a great wife 

[Gratefuled]

5 hours ago, Old55 said:

Gator makes very valid points. Is there any way to actually know what her husbands thoughts are?

Honestly if the lady is truly the love of your life then pay for an annulment then marriage. If you're not that serious there are many amazing single Filipinas who would truly love you and make a great wife 

5 hours ago, Old55 said:

Gator makes very valid points. Is there any way to actually know what her husbands thoughts are?

Honestly if the lady is truly the love of your life then pay for an annulment then marriage. If you're not that serious there are many amazing single Filipinas who would truly love you and make a great wife 

This is the BEST advice yet. 

 

[mogo51]

12 hours ago, peterfe said:

Many thanks to everyone for your helpful replies, especially Snowy79. I am seriously considering my options. One possibility is to have regular holidays with my girlfriend abroad, but in between let her stay close to her family and friends (her husband lives a long way away now), and during that time not meet too often and certainly not spend the night together. Presumably we couldn't be arrested for adultery under Filipino law if it took place abroad. But of course the husband might still want to slit my throat when we came back...

The decision is yours of course Peter, but I think you may be overreacting a little on this subject.  Thousands of woman/men are in the same situation as you, I am one of them.  

When I first met my SO and knew I had found 'the one', I was a little paranoid also.  Has your wife any contact with the 'ex' if not, then there is little chance of any ramifications IMO.Are there children involved?    Even if there is, short of him threatening violence I see no reason for concern.  

If your partner does have contact, has she discussed the situation of their 'separation' with him and his overall attitude to her moving on with her life?  This was done by my SO and she got a positive response.  Something that is definitely worth trying and  unless it is what you want, better than semi separate lives.  This could possibly put more strain on your relationship - not that I claim to be an expert.

If she does not want to confront him, perhaps a friend of hers may be able to help?

[virginprune]

Hi and welcome. The best advice if you are serious about this lady is to try the annulment route. A caveat with this is that there is no guarantee that it will be granted no matter how much time and money you put into it. 

An example.

My Australian friend here has been living with his, still married, partner for 3 years. She has been in an amicable separation from her husband for 12 years. When they looked into annulment they found that long term separation was not a valid enough reason. The only other options they could think of, that the husband might agree to, were domestic abuse and mental health issues. With the former, the husband would not put himself in a position to be possibly jailed, understandably. So they looked into the mental health scenario, after finding a psychiatrist that would proceed with this they were told by her that there was still only a 50/50 chance that this reason would work to get the desired result. 

The upshot is that they have decided to remain as they are and save the time, stress and money that pursuing this objective would bring. 

If you do decide to go this route just be aware of possible pitfalls. Many can get an annulment, a lot depends on who presides over the verdict in your jurisdiction, as always here YMMV.

[sonjack2847]

21 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

The decision is yours of course Peter, but I think you may be overreacting a little on this subject.  Thousands of woman/men are in the same situation as you, I am one of them.  

When I first met my SO and knew I had found 'the one', I was a little paranoid also.  Has your wife any contact with the 'ex' if not, then there is little chance of any ramifications IMO.Are there children involved?    Even if there is, short of him threatening violence I see no reason for concern.  

If your partner does have contact, has she discussed the situation of their 'separation' with him and his overall attitude to her moving on with her life?  This was done by my SO and she got a positive response.  Something that is definitely worth trying and  unless it is what you want, better than semi separate lives.  This could possibly put more strain on your relationship - not that I claim to be an expert.

If she does not want to confront him, perhaps a friend of hers may be able to help?

I think Robert K hit the nail on the head,move far away and keep quiet.I have heard stories of how friends (who get jealous) can be just as bad as family for demanding money when they have leverage.

[barryneves]

17 hours ago, Snowy79 said:

This is the documentary that's worth watching: 

 

I was just watching the Filipino news today and as far as I could make out there's no legal separation only annulment. It's currently going through congress at the moment to try and introduce a legal separation and also same sex relationships and matrimonial property laws. The separation bill is being petitioned by a congress man who is married but living with another women. Although it's illegal I'm sure the fact that he is a congressman means he's above the law. The senior Catholic Bishop was condemning him and said the church will oppose any change in law, at least it's now getting talked about in government circles. 

As for whether I'd get involved in such a relationship all I'll say is I have a friend  who was in the same boat. The woman was married and has a daughter but her husband left her at the birth and is now shacked up with another Filipino who is also married. They are both overseas foreign workers. This friend's partner assured him she knows a few similar relationships although in those cases it was another Filipino and not a foreigner. The likely outcome of this relationship was going to result in the foreigner paying for the partner to get divorced and her ex husbands new partners divorce to be also paid by the foreigner.

I don't know anything about your relationship but from general knowledge if you've known her for a long time and spent a few months in her company getting to know her friends and family, chances are the ex husband isn't too bothered but that's not to say someone won't convince him to blackmail you.

If it's some girl who you've met over the web and spent a few months or even years chatting online, maybe met her for a week or two miles away from home I'd be wary. I don't mean to be harsh but I've had a few relationships that started online and in all those relationships they were lovely. After living a month or two with them the mask slips and you suddenly realise the culture difference and annoying habits, maybe even a few more potential new husbands in the woodwork.

Look on it as buying a property over here ( condos excluded ). When you first start looking it's straight forward with no issues, as you start doing your due diligence problems start appearing. After one year of researching you'd probably never buy a property.

If you've not lived in the Philippines much all I can say is you will be chatted up by a different girl every other day and even some of their friends. Women that probably wouldn't look at you back home. This is a very poor country and foreigners are looked on as security with no more financial worries. Sure a lot of the women are attracted by the skin colour and eyes. I've a few Filipino friends who have openly told me they will only have a foreign boyfriend. They've been blinded by the TV shows that paint us all in as lovely, family orientated people with the added bonus of having money.

If you've gone native over here and slept in a locals home you'll understand. Have a local boyfriend and consign yourself to a native shack or basic brick building with hand made furniture and if you're lucky a fan and a tv with a few dogs and cockerels or live in a modern home with a flat screen tv, air con and all the modern appliances. Regular trips out and maybe a car and holidays.

There's not a lot of loyalty among the local women. If you take your partner and go to the far side of the Philippines and a female finds out you are living with a married women they will do everything they can to break your relationship up to get you back on the market. In short tread carefully and before doing anything stupid ensure it's love and now lust. Good luck.

Very well written and absolutely correct in every detail. Very sound advice.