What is the deal with responsibility for lazy family members?

[bigpearl]

6 minutes ago, AlwaysRt said:

That's how I found out about it. He is trying 'no' and him and his wife have been fighting. I could tell he was down, asked him what was wrong, and this is it. No is causing a problem yet he doesn't want to roll over either.

Ditto AR and when I finally realised 9 or 10 years after our divorce and a million plus bucks in settlement and then university fees, a car for the daughter, a car for the son, gifting money, even loans that were asked with the best intentions according to the kids and their mother, (never repaid) I finally realised 2 or 3 years ago that I wasn't the father I was a financial institution, my ex wife and kids kept telling me I had plenty of money and I could afford,,,,,, Hey what about the settlement money,,,,,,, I'm not working and I need that, you haven't worked for 28 years,,,,,,,, that's your problem! But you are working and make a lot of money, help us out, sure and then I don't go back to Italy etc. My turn, my life and decisions. NO.

No can be gut wrenching, yes is easier. No sets the boundaries. Yes opens the floodgates, read the posts on all expat sites as I have done for 6 plus years, the stories are all the bloody same, it helped me learn to say no to my children, (in a western country) then educated my better half to see the sanity and reality of life and users. We could all go on for hours about this topic but why when a little education and communication with ones better half makes the "NO" word easy. Only My experience and took a very long time and a lot of reading from contributors on this and affiliated sites to learn to say "NO" in my home country and now our future home.

Cheers, Steve.

[robert k]

Maybe tell the wife that you want to put the BIL through one last school. The school of hard knocks. It's not an absolute must in life but most of the successful people I know graduated from that school. Maybe set the BIL to collecting plastic if he can't get a better job. Or maybe just ban him from the house from 6 am to 6 pm. Tell him you don't care where he goes or what he does. He might decide to get a job since he's not going to be sitting on his rear at your house for 12 hours a day. It's not like you won't feed him 2 meals a day or give him a place to sleep. Call it a compromise.

[Dave Hounddriver]

I have helped out gf's sisters in the past, for a few days, then I start suggesting they get a job and move closer to where their work is.  In one case my gf was reluctant to tell her bossy sister that I was insisting she move out so I said:  "Your sister can stay under the same conditions you stay".  She asked what I meant and I said "I look after you because you sleep with me.  I will look after your sister same as I look after you if she wants to sleep with me too.   Sister was gone in 48 hours.

I have no suggestions on how to handle brothers.

[bigpearl]

32 minutes ago, AlwaysRt said:

Been married 5+ years so not a new relationship, just a 'new' problem. She isn't working, stays home taking care of him, but his current idea is to tell her to get a job and give her income to her brother. I am not so sure that idea will go over any better than a bunch of lead balloons. I of course, have no idea what the answer is - but if I did it would be Right! LOL

Sorry AR but after 5 years of marriage this is not a new problem but yet another that is wearing him down, perhaps the straw that breaks the camels back? Sad for him and indeed his/wives family as the wealthy Kano that perhaps had the bar raised too high or let the family raise it for him. We can all be humble, accomodating, generous even but if your generosity, others whims gets up your nose eventually you have to reign the horses in and take stock not only in the Philippines.

Hope your mate sorts it out.

Cheers, Steve.

[AlwaysRt]

3 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

I have no suggestions on how to handle brothers.

I don't know, maybe he could use the same offer to his wife about her brother?  

What I told him to do was tell her he doesn't understand that part of Filipino culture and ask her to explain why you 'have' to help someone that does not really need help. And explain what western culture believes (hoping to get her to adapt to the western idea).

[AlwaysRt]

12 minutes ago, bigpearl said:

Sorry AR but after 5 years of marriage this is not a new problem but yet another that is wearing him down, perhaps the straw that breaks the camels back? Sad for him and indeed his/wives family as the wealthy Kano that perhaps had the bar raised too high or let the family raise it for him. We can all be humble, accomodating, generous even but if your generosity, others whims gets up your nose eventually you have to reign the horses in and take stock not only in the Philippines.

Hope your mate sorts it out.

Cheers, Steve.

Ya well that can be true of course, I'm not the one living with them, her brother is. All I know is he was very frustrated today. My idea of getting her to take the western approach is probably a pipe dream, leaving him two choices. Roll over or stick to know and see what happens. Not a very pleasant choice either way, especially when you're retired and just want to relax and be happy.

[bigpearl]

4 minutes ago, robert k said:

Maybe tell the wife that you want to put the BIL through one last school. The school of hard knocks. It's not an absolute must in life but most of the successful people I know graduated from that school. Maybe set the BIL to collecting plastic if he can't get a better job. Or maybe just ban him from the house from 6 am to 6 pm. Tell him you don't care where he goes or what he does. He might decide to get a job since he's not going to be sitting on his rear at your house for 12 hours a day. It's not like you won't feed him 2 meals a day or give him a place to sleep. Call it a compromise.

Hard knocks Robert but I certainly hear you, hard enough in a western society as others will see but extremely difficult in a developing nation (one we love) especially where one gives and gives and gives hard earned security to loafers to appease the family, pretend we are something that we are not? How long can it last and when the security is gone? Where are we then? On the bones of our rectum or did we have a plan "B"?

Personally the NO word works for us but is negotiable and always discussed at length and the simple solution for us is " do you want to go back to Italy this year or should we just stay home? Budget, Nike footwear Imelda, yes please, no, sorry it is expensive to live in Australia and we have no spare cash. As said before education and communication from day one, as a relationship needs to be. Help those that help themselves.

Cheers, Steve.

[bigpearl]

36 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

I have helped out gf's sisters in the past, for a few days, then I start suggesting they get a job and move closer to where their work is.  In one case my gf was reluctant to tell her bossy sister that I was insisting she move out so I said:  "Your sister can stay under the same conditions you stay".  She asked what I meant and I said "I look after you because you sleep with me.  I will look after your sister same as I look after you if she wants to sleep with me too.   Sister was gone in 48 hours.

I have no suggestions on how to handle brothers.

I do if they are cute, joking but honestly family is first, your family is your wife/lady and or children, all others go to the back. Focus on number one and educate your relatives.

Cheers, Steve.

[bigpearl]

30 minutes ago, AlwaysRt said:

Ya well that can be true of course, I'm not the one living with them, her brother is. All I know is he was very frustrated today. My idea of getting her to take the western approach is probably a pipe dream, leaving him two choices. Roll over or stick to know and see what happens. Not a very pleasant choice either way, especially when you're retired and just want to relax and be happy.

Communication with his wife (ones partner) is sacrosanct and while I/We feel he does this, obviously something has gone terribly amiss and I personally hope it doesn't cost him big time as many of us have suffered in previous lives.

Cheers, Steve.

[AlwaysRt]

3 minutes ago, bigpearl said:

Communication with his wife (ones partner) is sacrosanct and while I/We feel he does this, obviously something has gone terribly amiss and I personally hope it doesn't cost him big time as many of us have suffered in previous lives.

Cheers, Steve.

Thanks, me too. Just talked to him briefly a few minutes ago, still sounds very down because of it.