What is the deal with responsibility for lazy family members?

[Dave Hounddriver]

31 minutes ago, RBM said:

the guy although your brother, is obviously bone lazy and no longer our  responsibility in any way.

Way back when I lived in Canada, as a young man, I had a brother that was considered bone lazy.  He stayed at home until age 24 and let Mum and Dad provide for him while he sat around and watched TV.

He was a strong young man, and when it came to a physical conflict he won the fight with my father (when Dad tried to kick him physically out of the house to go get a job).  Turns out three things happened.  They learned that communicating with each other and working together was the best way.  They learned to respect each other.  In the end, we learned that my brother is not lazy.  He has his share of problems that are his cross to bear but he works hard when it is required of him.

Bottom line:  Communication is the key.  How does this relate to the opening post?  The man in the situation has to have a mature talk to the boy and take a chance that the 'boy' will either learn from that and grow up or he will turn into a hopeless case.  But nothing ventured means nothing gained.

[AlwaysRt]

2 minutes ago, JJReyes said:

Best thing to do is not to directly participate.. Give your wife or girl friend a monthly amount -- say, P10,000 to take care of all the handouts to her relatives. That includes education, medical emergencies, beer money, etc. You could double it during Christmas. She becomes the surrogate Godfather. Don't ask for details on how the money is being spent. It will only infuriate you.

I have no idea how much, if any, he has in his monthly budget for support of other family members. Only that the BIL is living with them, which he agreed to and had no problem with while putting him through school. Now that a second school is complete he wants the BIL to move on and/or contribute (I don't think he wants to kick him out necessarily, just do something to bring in some pesos of his own). Push back from his wife is the problem he is having.

[AlwaysRt]

4 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

Bottom line:  Communication is the key.  How does this relate to the opening post?  The man in the situation has to have a mature talk to the boy and take a chance that the 'boy' will either learn from that and grow up or he will turn into a hopeless case.  But nothing ventured means nothing gained.

Good point, I will certainly pass this on as I have no idea if either him or his wife has talked to her brother about it at all.

[JJReyes]

You think the situation is bad in the Philippines because of lazy, good-for-nothing relatives? It's worse in Spain with boomerang kids. Children who have graduated from college and cannot find employment simply stay at home with their parents. They don't help and expect to receive an allowance. If the parents won't give, the child takes them to court for denial of filial protection. There is some sort of family unity law that entitles unemployed children with a college degree to a Euro 600 to 700 monthly allowance in addition to food and shelter.

[bows00]

3 hours ago, JJReyes said:

To do otherwise is culturally offensive. 

Totally disagree. If I didn't give a hoot about the subject hobo, then yeah - eat my food, live under my roof, etc...  wouldn't matter.

But It's not about my money but it is more about the kid growing up to become a respectable adult. 

[Clermont]

Maybe you could buy him a tricycle  and charge the going fee of 200 peso per day boundary, the wife can't complain about that, do the maths on the figures, you might be surprised. At least you've given both an alternative instead of a flat refusal and your wife might see your side of the argument. If it doesn't work out with the bro, sell it or let the wife rent it out, your then in the clear with a refusal.

[sonjack2847]

19 hours ago, AlwaysRt said:

Luckily I don't have to deal with this issue but it comes up as a side issue in many topics. I have a friend really having a hard time with this right now and it is affecting his otherwise great relationship with his wife. He has put her 20 something year old brother through a couple different trade courses (mechanic and bartender) while living with them. He previously (while taking classes) did nothing to help around the house except walk the dog, now that he has graduated (again) he is doing nothing. He is capable but prefers hanging around my friend's house, free room and board, to going out and earning his own way.

his wife, as Filipinas tend to do, think it is his responsibility to take care of her brother since he has no income. This of course clashes with the Western idea that he should get off his ass and find a way to earn some money, especially that he now has skills he can use to do so.

How do you /have you dealt with your SO expecting support for what in our way of thinking is a user/bum? 

I would tell them to get off their lazy ass as they have to leave.If my wife would not support me I would consider where my relationship was going.

[AlwaysRt]

1 minute ago, sonjack2847 said:

I would tell them to get off their lazy ass as they have to leave.If my wife would not support me I would consider where my relationship was going.

That consideration is what I think has him bothered the most.

[sonjack2847]

15 minutes ago, AlwaysRt said:

That consideration is what I think has him bothered the most.

Well it would bother me as well,but I do look to the future and if she is not looking after my/our interests now what would it be like if I was disabled.

[Nickleback99]

2 hours ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

  It is cultural here that little boys are spoiled rotten and stepping into a parental position at this point in the child's life means I have no rights beyond paying the bills and contributing to spoiling the child further.

And the sad thing is then as teens and then young adults, those same "boys"  remain spoiled and can do no wrong, while they make babies they cannot support over and over, don't work and expect the female and mother(s) of their offspring to also go out and work to pay the bills and pay for their smokes and booze.  I say that having seen it in two BIL's who don't do jack squat for most part, despite having 4 kids, etc.  The merry go round of this cultural aspect never seems to end, sadly.