What is the deal with responsibility for lazy family members?

[stevewool]

3 hours ago, Jack Peterson said:

I feel for "Azon" as it must be hard where family are concerned  but what do you do, just let them walk over you ?

We all have our own views and some of those we may not agree with, but its our partner who may suffer without us knowing.

Again i am lucky in someways , Emma talks to me about so and so is asking for this and that and i think she is asking me to deal with it, Plus she is here living and working here in the England the land where we are all rich according to many, and now she knows the truth, but she finds it hard trying to explain to some back home its hard here too.

[robert k]

2 hours ago, Clermont said:

Maybe you could buy him a tricycle  and charge the going fee of 200 peso per day boundary, the wife can't complain about that, do the maths on the figures, you might be surprised. At least you've given both an alternative instead of a flat refusal and your wife might see your side of the argument. If it doesn't work out with the bro, sell it or let the wife rent it out, your then in the clear with a refusal.

Tricycle isn't necessarily a cheap proposition. You need the franchise to operate...or you can get in trouble with the trike mafia.

That is why i said to send him out to pick up plastic, as far as I know that is fair game.

Edited August 9, 2017 by robert k

[jpbago]

4 hours ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

In this culture they do.  I am seeing it at a very early age where the 2 year old living with us is the one calling the shots in this house.  People will surely tell me to put a stop to it early but I am concerned that "putting a stop to it" may involve putting a stop to the relationship.  It is cultural here that little boys are spoiled rotten and stepping into a parental position at this point in the child's life means I have no rights beyond paying the bills and contributing to spoiling the child further.

Hard to say why we let them walk all over us but we are fighting an entire culture when we attempt to be "strict" which I interpret as parental and others interpret as mean and grumpy.

If you allow a 2 year old to control the house now, just wait until he is a teenager. You will be supporting his g/f and somebody else's fat kids.

[Dave Hounddriver]

16 minutes ago, jpbago said:

If you allow a 2 year old to control the house now

I realize that,  I have had kids before, but the way you state that makes it sound like I have another choice beyond "take it or leave it".

Yes, there is a third choice but its a tough one.  Its called take a chance on the long haul and lead by example and hope you can get the mom and son to follow your lead.  But if it don't work then a person finds themselves heavily invested in a relationship (Time, money and emotional investment) and you end up with a teenage controlling the house anyway, (or not - if it works).

Edited August 9, 2017 by Dave Hounddriver

[Jack Peterson]

7 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

I realize that,  I have had kids before, but the way you state that makes it sound like I have another choice beyond "take it or leave it".

Yes, there is a third choice but its a tough one.  Its called take a chance on the long haul and lead by example and hope you can get the mom and son to follow your lead.  But if it don't work then a person finds themselves heavily invested in a relationship (Time, money and emotional investment) and you end up with a teenage controlling the house anyway, (or not - if it works).

Yup! just about Sums my bit  of Northern Junob up and my Lot is a Young Lady! 

[jpbago]

25 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

Yes, there is a third choice but its a tough one.  Its called take a chance on the long haul and lead by example and hope you can get the mom and son to follow your lead.

That's the one! You have plenty of time and experiences to make that work. All the best.

I was a bit concerned in my situ if our girls, aged 13 and 14 at the time, would accept me into their family. It turned out 100% good in every way.

[Tukaram (Tim)]

4 hours ago, JJReyes said:

Best thing to do is not to directly participate.. Give your wife or girl friend a monthly amount -- say, P10,000 to take care of all the handouts to her relatives. That includes education, medical emergencies, beer money, etc. You could double it during Christmas. She becomes the surrogate Godfather. Don't ask for details on how the money is being spent. It will only infuriate you.

 

 

 

Oh, hell no!  I don't give myself p10k a month I sure ain't giving it to anyone else ha ha.  They were poor when I got here, and will be poor when I am gone. They are not my problem. 

The culture says women work their butts off and the boys are spoiled rotten.  I don't have to play that game. 

[Snowy79]

I've got to admit. I could feel the hairs in my neck sticking up reading this. Wife or not I'm sure your friend knows there's plenty more fish in the sea. There would be a one way conversation between me and the wife along the lines of you support me in my decisions or I'll be finding someone who does.  

She'd be given a month to reassess her values or she'd be finding an empty space in her bed and her purse.

We're here for a good time not a long time. I might have had more practice than most at starting again. The first time is the hardest, after two or three restarts it gets pretty easy until you find from day one you set the rules. If they don't like it then move on. Too many people wait until they've become entrenched in issues before doing anything about them.

I'm now in a pretty good relationship where we have give and take but no one will come between us. We've had one run in where a sister decided she needed money more than her mother, she's now blacklisted from getting any financial help and my partner knows I mean it.

She also has another sister who was out of work and we asked her to cover for my partner so we could have a holiday (I'd paid for this sister's final year in school). She couldn't be bothered so we had to find someone else. The same sister wanted the caretaker job at my apartment that I bought. It had a caretaker already but she thought I'd let her go and give her the job as she only lives 500m away, she's family and it's easy work. I reminded my partner how she let us down and had great pleasure in telling her she's got no chance as she's proven I can't rely on her. My partner understood where I was coming from.

I know some say it's their culture but I'm afraid in any developing country some cultures have to change for their to be progress.

[marine6357]

7 hours ago, Nickleback99 said:

And the sad thing is then as teens and then young adults, those same "boys"  remain spoiled and can do no wrong, while they make babies they cannot support over and over, don't work and expect the female and mother(s) of their offspring to also go out and work to pay the bills and pay for their smokes and booze.  I say that having seen it in two BIL's who don't do jack squat for most part, despite having 4 kids, etc.  The merry go round of this cultural aspect never seems to end, sadly. 

Unfortunately this dilemma is not restricted to the Philippines. Here we have a lot of young girls in urban poor areas and also rural poor areas that see these young "men" and think that the only way to keep them is too have sex and their babies. And then find out that he  has 2 or 3 other baby mommas and he is not supporting any of them but actually takes even more from them when they start collecting for government programs. The only way to fix this problem as I see is we need as a society, to educate these young women and teach them that there are a lot of opportunities for them if they stay out of these types of situations and focus on their future. With this if they are not available to the these boys maybe it will force them to become more responsible and take charge of their own futures. ie: "no honey, no bears"

[JJReyes]

Every society is burdened by some who will sponge off the others. The Philippines does not have a welfare system so the burden is passed on to family members who are wealthier. In countries like the UK or USA, it is the government who acts as the godfather. You pay for it through taxation.whether you agree or not. The intent of a government welfare system is to take care of those who cannot help themselves like the elderly and invalids.  Yet we all know of cases wherein able bodied people become recipients of YOUR money. They should be working, but prefer to hang around a pub or sari-sari store drinking beer. Worse, the ingratiates grumble about your lack of generosity. 

The difference is that person in the Philippines is a relative whom your wife or girl friend feels obligated to take care. Like I said, "It's cultural." 

Edited August 9, 2017 by JJReyes