What is the deal with responsibility for lazy family members?

[Old55]

JJ is right. Unless one clearly makes it known that they are unable to be the family ATM machine. Not that that would make any difference in many cases.

Sadly the friend now knows his place in their relationship. 

Letting a family member move in takes a lot of thought and with it risk.

It could be the friends house is actually owned by his wife? If not I would simply move let the wife decide what's more important to her. 

[Gator]

18 hours ago, Jack Peterson said:

 That'll be me then  

Me too! 

[mogo51]

21 hours ago, Nickleback99 said:

Tough Love is exactly that TOUGH.

Its just the arrangement and understanding we have had since day 1.  I make no apologies, simply because I can't afford to 'feed the masses'  my concern is my SO and me, until I check out.

[kalibojerry]

I do not mind helping the family but to support them I will not do it I look at it this way they where doing ok and getting by before I showed up I worked for my money my whole life and now I am going to hand it over it to them no way I went thru this in Thailand was an ATM machine for the family , the wife needs to be told that the brother has got to pay rent and food if he is going to stay in the house he has gone to school know he needs to work her choice what see does now is up to her as there are a lot of great ladies here in the Philippines that would love to be with him that"s how I feel

 

[sonjack2847]

My wife told me once that hey this is how it works in the Philippines,my reply was yes but this is a western house which I pay for so therefore people who visit are under my rules not their own.I think my wife would be the first one to tell a lazy family member to get off their house and work not sponge off of us.Firm but fair.

[jpbago]

On 8/10/2017 at 9:47 AM, sonjack2847 said:

My wife told me once that hey this is how it works in the Philippines,my reply was yes but this is a western house which I pay for so therefore people who visit are under my rules not their own.I think my wife would be the first one to tell a lazy family member to get off their house and work not sponge off of us.Firm but fair.

That is how I feel too. I don't care what the behind the times culture is or was, my money comes from Canada and this is how I do it.

[Nickleback99]

As the saying goes, more or less, I'm all about "Helping those who help themselves."  As for the OP for the thread, it clearly sounds like the friend has done exactly that by sending the now leech (or termite since he's eating away at the husband-wife relationship foundation) to school, not once, but twice and even teaching the fishing angle.  It sounds pretty simply like the leech does not want to Work and he's got a free ride courtesy of his  sister who does not have her hubby's back....THAT is not forgivable in my book.   Tough choices ahead for the friend, but I could not live like that.  Sound like all of us here have experienced some version of the  same mess, whether it being them moving in, or constantly needing money.  We are currently sending the only brother in the immediate family to computer programming school and he KNows he has to then get a job Somewhere.  Fortunately he, my wife and her youngest sister all learned from watching two of the older sisters screw up their lives by dropping 4 babies each, at least to a same father of the babies, with no means or plans to support, etc, and they did not make the same mistake.  My Asawa and young sister consistently drummed it into Jr's head Not to do what the sisters did and so far, so good (Fingers crossed!)    On a flips side on that younger sister, she is leeching some off the monthly money we send Mom to clothe, feed and school all those young nieces and nephews, even though we sent her Twice as well to school, first being architecture, which I begrudgingly went along with, and she failed out 2nd yr, then to beautician school which is does do some of that (paid) at the house, but still not anything meaningful.  We even brought her to Japan for 6 months this yr to expose her to outside world and pushing her to OFW...lot of manufacturing OFW jobs in Japan...but still nada on doing anything more.  But, hey!..she did get to tour Osaka and Kyoto, plus Oki, and a freebie to Universal Studios on us!  One other sister did work and her hubby works full time commuting into Manila, And they planned out their two kids...one reason, besides being Godparents to their first son,  we built their little 2 room house for them...They work and first help themselves. 

All of the issues and examples cited throughout the thread are one of the reasons my wife is hesitant to move back next yr when I retire because of what she calls "the expectations"....and We All know what those "expectations" are, which I've firmly told her are Not MY expectations.   And the sister who's been smart enough to age 30 now not to get preggers needs to get off the duff and truly go work, vice planning to "work" for us.  

 In the end, I can afford to help and like to help Those who help themselves.  The "friend" in the OP has some tough choices ahead, but I  could not tolerate it and would simply give the ultimatum at this point And watch my back if in that position.  I wish him luck...Ain't gonna be easy! 

[Tukaram (Tim)]

On 8/10/2017 at 9:47 AM, sonjack2847 said:

My wife told me once that hey this is how it works in the Philippines,my reply was yes but this is a western house which I pay for so therefore people who visit are under my rules not their own.I think my wife would be the first one to tell a lazy family member to get off their house and work not sponge off of us.Firm but fair.

My wife tried that once. I told her the same thing I told the dentist when he said Filipinos don't get pain killer shots for fillings...  "do I look Filipino?"

I put her in charge of the budget for a while and she saw how little money we had (although it sounded like a lot to her at first).  Now she is on my (our) side

[bigpearl]

On 09/08/2017 at 2:37 AM, bows00 said:

As the old saying goes, "An eagle that doesn't leave the nest ends up becoming a turkey""  He needs that extra push to leave the nest.  Something magical happens when you live on your own and start paying your own bills.  You transition from boy to man.  And sometimes it takes guidance from a father figure that this "sister whipped" boy probably never had.  

Some call it tough love - i just call it love.  

You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink, like another story of the 9 day camel and 2 house bricks. No means no, blame the accountants advice or your attorney as you have also had several bad years and money is tight. As for father figures and testosterone, that deserves another post that I will refrain from starting.

As a side I was independent from family and made my own way when I was 16, never went back, grew and prospered, made mistakes, learnt and dealt with my mistakes, hard at times but that was how it was. Is this back to school of hard knocks? Nope that is life and was my life, the generations have softened, not going any further.

Cheers, Steve.

 

[bigpearl]

On 09/08/2017 at 11:03 AM, JJReyes said:

You are now residents of the Philippines. As such, the wealthier members of the family are responsible for taking care of the less fortunate. To do otherwise is culturally offensive. 

Within acceptable practices and within reason JJ. We contribute what we feel is necessary to go to the family unit and little more or nil. (unless you are extremely wealthy and throw away monies in any country). All should remember regardless of ones wealth or lack of in our home country the fact that we are seen as rich in this country because we are Western, wealthy, Asians etc; Does not change the fact that we do give to the son or daughter within the relationship (our partners,West, East, North or south) a better life no different than myself with my chosen partner and my ability to say NO! Bengie also says what? No! Agreed. 

So many posts here and other sites overlooked, some people read and don't see, others see and there is no need to comment (not read, overlooked, beating the same old drum pr simply blind) Russia, Australia, Iceland and the Philippines etc; Culture is there and can easily be dealt with. Don't let ones Phallic symbol dictate your life, if it does? Perhaps the wrong choice, extended family second. Partner first with open communication. Every person is a free thinker and needs to evaluate their own choice given dynamics, be a lateral thinker not a drone.These choices and ideals come first in all scenarios, passion, commitment and finally logic. ( the killer)

Love your better half and educate each other, communicate as they do with us, (hopefully) a two way street, offend on cultural AKA financial circumstances? Groan, same  old story. Don't talk to me about Culture, simply look at what is happening in Australia, when will it end? Because we are perceived as rich? Elite? We too are people no different, equal by what? Who can judge equality? Left or right, who cares. now are perceived to be wealthy, why? What because we are white? Racist? Gay? Islam?  A misnomer. Being transparent and succinct works in our relationship so far but obviously not for some. Gods speed and we will all do what we need and when we need.