What is the deal with responsibility for lazy family members?

[bigpearl]

On 09/08/2017 at 0:47 PM, Jack Peterson said:

 Ok Folks now the bit of the Culture I do not like The lies, Seems that the SIL has been having a go at "Azon" over this, He (the nephew) has been saying that we (Well I) only paid him 1/2 his wages for the day, No mention of him going early to a Lunch, Now it transpires he has lied to his Mother about Going to this friends House as the Family do not like the Friend or  his Family (Drug problem) So Now it gets worse. Seems that not only is this one Lazy and couldn't care less about much, he is also putting problems where there should be none. I think I will stay with my Culture and do the picking and choosing myself in future as it is I that pay for it. Then people (The family) Wonder why I can get an attitude at times. I feel for "Azon" as it must be hard where family are concerned  but what do you do, just let them walk over you ?

Sorry jack but was it?  "I pay for them or is it We pay for them?" Better you employ a non family member, you can disagree and customise far easier than an employed family member to suit wants and needs with no crap,don'y worry I will get the flack for insisting on unrelated help.

Cheers, save.

[bigpearl]

On 09/08/2017 at 0:47 PM, Jack Peterson said:

 Ok Folks now the bit of the Culture I do not like The lies, Seems that the SIL has been having a go at "Azon" over this, He (the nephew) has been saying that we (Well I) only paid him 1/2 his wages for the day, No mention of him going early to a Lunch, Now it transpires he has lied to his Mother about Going to this friends House as the Family do not like the Friend or  his Family (Drug problem) So Now it gets worse. Seems that not only is this one Lazy and couldn't care less about much, he is also putting problems where there should be none. I think I will stay with my Culture and do the picking and choosing myself in future as it is I that pay for it. Then people (The family) Wonder why I can get an attitude at times. I feel for "Azon" as it must be hard where family are concerned  but what do you do, just let them walk over you ?

Nope, talk to your lovely lady Azon about this, after what has happened the choices should be mutual and opinions respected.

Cheers, Steve

 

[Jake]

After awhile, you should tune in to the extended family tsismis about who are the lazy, good for nothing douche bags, drug addicts, gamblers and womanizers within the family.  Let it be widely known, especially to your significant other or wife that you will refuse to take any responsibility about their welfare and their crocodile tears.  You will be labeled as mayabang, suplada or just plain a$$hole but you'll sleep better at night, rather than realizing later that your money supported their bad behavior (again).  

Did I say that this can be applied to the Filipino culture as well?  

[ClearSky]

Probably one of the top discussion topics for Philippine mixed marriage or partnerships, this thread is.

Most of the opinions and ideas I can easily agree with or at least understand.

But.. remember why we are in the Philippines or why we are going there. This exact issue is part of what makes the place what it is. There are plenty of expensive places that have different problems that we could choose. If the general culture was one of aggressive success, the overall costs would be MUCH higher and everything would be different. There is more to the culture difference than what we see on the surface... IMHO.

 

The items I see that affect this thread topic on case by case are.

• Is Mother in law still around (huge influence on most Filipina)

• Children of own (huge influence on need for self security, and changes priority)

• Actual money available (some of us just getting by, some of us have plenty)

• Partners financial situation before meeting the outsider (I expect that the outsider has significantly more in most cases, but... was the local one stable and improving)

 

Usually my wife says no to most requests for help (free money). Some of the lessons we learned the hard way, I think everyone likely will have that happen. This problem occurs not only in the Philippines, but we notice it more due to the income (or perceived) disparity.

I generally try to employ family for tasks if I can, but at the going rate. Had at least one brother in law that flatly told me it was not right because he should receive the brother in law rate. He doesn't work for us now, but some of the others do and it works out well for them.

[sonjack2847]

5 hours ago, ClearSky said:

Probably one of the top discussion topics for Philippine mixed marriage or partnerships, this thread is.

Most of the opinions and ideas I can easily agree with or at least understand.

But.. remember why we are in the Philippines or why we are going there. This exact issue is part of what makes the place what it is. There are plenty of expensive places that have different problems that we could choose. If the general culture was one of aggressive success, the overall costs would be MUCH higher and everything would be different. There is more to the culture difference than what we see on the surface... IMHO.

 

The items I see that affect this thread topic on case by case are.

• Is Mother in law still around (huge influence on most Filipina)

• Children of own (huge influence on need for self security, and changes priority)

• Actual money available (some of us just getting by, some of us have plenty)

• Partners financial situation before meeting the outsider (I expect that the outsider has significantly more in most cases, but... was the local one stable and improving)

 

Usually my wife says no to most requests for help (free money). Some of the lessons we learned the hard way, I think everyone likely will have that happen. This problem occurs not only in the Philippines, but we notice it more due to the income (or perceived) disparity.

I generally try to employ family for tasks if I can, but at the going rate. Had at least one brother in law that flatly told me it was not right because he should receive the brother in law rate. He doesn't work for us now, but some of the others do and it works out well for them.

When I worked in the UK if I done a job for friends (on their own house) I would give them "mates rate" so you should say to your BIL that  he should work cheaper as you are family.Turn the situation back to them.I am not sure of the outcome but reverse psychology can work sometimes. 

[Dave Jo]

Big mistake!!  He should have set the rules straight away when he met his wife, now it is too late without upsetting the wife. When i met my wife i said "no money to your family and no relatives staying with us except for a short visit. Now i have been with my wife, living in Palawan for 22 years and she has never asked for anything for her family, but i guess i am lucky as she and all her brothers and sisters attended university and not short of a penny.

[davewe]

On 8/8/2017 at 5:55 PM, AlwaysRt said:

I have a friend really having a hard time with this right now and it is affecting his otherwise great relationship with his wife. He has put her 20 something year old brother through a couple different trade courses (mechanic and bartender) while living with them. He previously (while taking classes) did nothing to help around the house except walk the dog, now that he has graduated (again) he is doing nothing. 

his wife, as Filipinas tend to do, think it is his responsibility to take care of her brother since he has no income. 

How do you /have you dealt with your SO expecting support for what in our way of thinking is a user/bum? 

I am surprised that no one has mentioned what seems to be the obvious solution. The guy graduated from bartending school, right? His job within my house would be to serve me and the wife drinks all day. He also needs to use his contacts from bartending school to source cheap booze for me, the wife and all my friends. Problem solved.

 

 

[robert k]

1 hour ago, davewe said:

I am surprised that no one has mentioned what seems to be the obvious solution. The guy graduated from bartending school, right? His job within my house would be to serve me and the wife drinks all day. He also needs to use his contacts from bartending school to source cheap booze for me, the wife and all my friends. Problem solved.

 

 

He probably wouldn't like that. Better have him open your beer in front of you.

I could probably use a mechanic as I would like to restore a local vehicle but it would probably amount to a frame off restoration. The problem is, I AM a mechanic and I really don't want to have to work on or teach someone how to set up a locker in a differential and things like that.

Edited August 12, 2017 by robert k

[Tukaram (Tim)]

16 hours ago, Jake said:

You will be labeled as mayabang, suplada or just plain a$$hole but you'll sleep better at night,

My wife called me suplada before. I smiled and said "thank you".  I am sure it is a compliment ha ha 

[robert k]

They mispronounced A$$hole when speaking about me. It sounded a lot like strict but I knew what they meant.