Momma's Boy

[Tukaram (Tim)]

I don't have a hard time believing it... I just choose not to take part in it.  It is their culture - not mine.  If I were to give money to anyone to take of, it would be my own kids.  I did, when they were young. Now my kids are grown and starting families of their own. If the kids here are not taught self sufficiency and pride (self pride, not the stupid nationalistic pride) I fall back on one of my regular sayings "not my fault, not my problem".  They were poor when I got here and will be poor after I am gone.  

[sonjack2847]

Just now, Tukaram (Tim) said:

I don't have a hard time believing it... I just choose not to take part in it.  It is their culture - not mine.  If I were to give money to anyone to take of, it would be my own kids.  I did, when they were young. Now my kids are grown and starting families of their own. If the kids here are not taught self sufficiency and pride (self pride, not the stupid nationalistic pride) I fall back on one of my regular sayings "not my fault, not my problem".  They were poor when I got here and will be poor after I am gone.  

Drastic Tim but oh so true.

[Jack Peterson]

I think "Bob Dylan" said it all, "For times they are a changin"

[mogo51]

2 hours ago, Jack Peterson said:

 A dose of Military Conscription (Draft) would not go amiss here just now with things the way they are, It would clear the Mummies Boys and maybe halt the Gold Diggers while 

 Just saying 

That would be a great start Jack.

[mogo51]

 

2 hours ago, Queenie O. said:

There are mama's boys in the West too JJ we all know, and with many different foreign cultures now living lives in the West, it is acceptable sometimes to live at home as a working adult too, and in turn care or be company for aging parents. Reduced board and the food and familiar comforts of family and home are sometimes part of the package. 

As Scott said, foreigners  have worked hard through the years oftentimes, and it's aggravating that some family members here are just looking for a "free lunch" without any responsibility on their part to help better themselves or sometimes make any effort in any direction. If one is looked upon as a rich person that can well afford it, whether that's true or not,  it's not the point. That money was earned in western cultures that can be stressful and fast-paced.  Also, I think that younger wives have younger family members who might feel that helping their sister, brother, cousin is just part of the package of your role in the marriage. Family members have to realize that partners came to live here to make new lives better for themselves, not to give over their attention and savings for other peoples' benefit.

Being a foreigner woman there is a different dynamic.  I live first hand my husband's willingness and acceptance as a Filipino in the culture to help immediate and extended family members at times because he can, and he often feels happy to be able to do it. It can be aggravating at times for him too though, as he worked very hard for his earnings while living in the US for many years. He tries to be fair in who he helps, and for the most part he won't let anyone take advantage of him. Often he calls upon family members to help him with jobs or errands in return for help. I don't have to get involved, because from what I observe, the money he helps with is not that demanding or unreasonable. It's his call. Even myself if I see a different need, I'll use my own money to fill it. He doesn't judge that either. Being a Filipino male, there is no intermediary wife to relay requests too, and he can decide to be generous or tough depending on the situation.

I guess it's best to start off with a partnerdiscussing how you feel and try to come up with a shared understanding. There are some expectations in the culture to help less fortunate family members in time of need, but also nobody wants to be taken advantage of or be a pushover. Learning to say no at times is part of living here I guess, and living with that is something to work on. Creative ways to say no can be devised to make the no less bitter. 

A very good account of how things are from the 'opposite' if I may put it that way Queenie.  It is always refreshing to read your posts and this is a one of your best IMO.  Its a totally different aspect on the discussions.

[Dave Hounddriver]

1 hour ago, Jack Peterson said:

A dose of Military Conscription (Draft) would not go amiss here just now with things the way they are, It would clear the Mummies Boys and maybe halt the Gold Diggers while

That's not a bad idea.  They could join the military on 6 month OJT contracts so it would cost the government nothing.  Then the best ones could be forced to do 10 years conscription like the North Koreans do.  When they get out they may even qualify to be OFWs serving the military of other countries.  Win win. (said tongue in cheek with a light bulb going off saying it might actually work)

[stevewool]

My son is a right mummies boy , he was his grandmas boy too, and i could do nothing about this, ok he was my adopted son at the age of 1 but trying to change him into what i wanted rather then what they wanted was so hard.

They did everything for him and this to me made him how he is, roll on 17 years he moved in with me his life is so different living here he cooks his own stuff , he cleans his own stuff and he pays his own stuff, and yes i love him still.

No when he goes to see his mum, he becomes her mummies boy and he does bugger all , even his gran is the same.

On the other hand my daughters are all daddies girls

Edited August 10, 2017 by stevewool

[stevewool]

5 hours ago, Jack Peterson said:

 Mama is not going to live for ever & I have seen this Recently since my MIL passed away the Family has all but disintegrated 

JMHO but 

You are right there , once mum goes the family disappears too.

[stevewool]

6 hours ago, scott h said:

I don't think any of us find it hard to believe JJ, in fact most of us have been exposed to it first hand. Its just that most of us don't agree with it. 

Consider the type of person that is your average expat. Most (if not all) are self made men, willing to go out on a limb, willing to up root from the security and comfort of our home countries and start anew in an alien environment. Most if not all have worked hard, very hard for what they have and it rubs the wrong way when they are asked to part with it for no apparent "good" reason.

Besides, I don't think we have any Italian members 

Wealthier Filipinos are expected to care for less fortunate family members .

I have see this too, but they make sure they are still poor compared to there own family, plus if they are married there husbands family MUST come first.

[bigpearl]

7 hours ago, Queenie O. said:

There are mama's boys in the West too JJ we all know, and with many different foreign cultures now living lives in the West, it is acceptable sometimes to live at home as a working adult too, and in turn care or be company for aging parents. Reduced board and the food and familiar comforts of family and home are sometimes part of the package. 

As Scott said, foreigners  have worked hard through the years oftentimes, and it's aggravating that some family members here are just looking for a "free lunch" without any responsibility on their part to help better themselves or sometimes make any effort in any direction. If one is looked upon as a rich person that can well afford it, whether that's true or not,  it's not the point. That money was earned in western cultures that can be stressful and fast-paced.  Also, I think that younger wives have younger family members who might feel that helping their sister, brother, cousin is just part of the package of your role in the marriage. Family members have to realize that partners came to live here to make new lives better for themselves, not to give over their attention and savings for other peoples' benefit.

Being a foreigner woman there is a different dynamic.  I live first hand my husband's willingness and acceptance as a Filipino in the culture to help immediate and extended family members at times because he can, and he often feels happy to be able to do it. It can be aggravating at times for him too though, as he worked very hard for his earnings while living in the US for many years. He tries to be fair in who he helps, and for the most part he won't let anyone take advantage of him. Often he calls upon family members to help him with jobs or errands in return for help. I don't have to get involved, because from what I observe, the money he helps with is not that demanding or unreasonable. It's his call. Even myself if I see a different need, I'll use my own money to fill it. He doesn't judge that either. Being a Filipino male, there is no intermediary wife to relay requests too, and he can decide to be generous or tough depending on the situation.

I guess it's best to start off with a partnerdiscussing how you feel and try to come up with a shared understanding. There are some expectations in the culture to help less fortunate family members in time of need, but also nobody wants to be taken advantage of or be a pushover. Learning to say no at times is part of living here I guess, and living with that is something to work on. Creative ways to say no can be devised to make the no less bitter. 

Well said Queenie and I see where you are coming from, a lot of thought and soul searching in your post. Adult children living with parents? Agree with what you say, perhaps financial/saving or as others have said mamas boy and perhaps lazy convenience. Most western countries are multi cultural and while most migrants assimilate many don't and hold fast to their beliefs and culture and at times gets up western noses. Should/could we consider that as foreigners within another country (such as myself) that we may also need to correctly learn the culture and norms especially considering that most of us are a one off item introduced to our partners family and accepted and loved, or not, (and not a family, a singular person thrown into a different way of thinking) they never had to deal with an Aussie before, (poor buxxers) never met one, they change and accept as I do, I like all readers see the family dynamics in Asian countries, very alien to western norms, mamas boys in Italy, a Western European country is common, Italian friends in Oz can be no different and frequently occurs. Works or appears to.

JJ as a side, we were invited to live with Bengies parents years ago as we are family and they would make it work even though they would suffer from our presence in a very small house and, lol, as we have suffered over the years, 2 of us sleeping in a single bed with no A/C. Normal practice as Mum and Dad do the same. We all have limitations and no expectations and do secure our future with a blessing and a thank you these days, sorry Dad we are traveling and have accomodation sorted but we will see you in 1, 2, 3 or 4 days, while we have lived there for weeks and months at a time we are family no different to the Italian scenario, accepted and loved, as family very welcome and it works but up to the individual. Only my limited views but works for those in need and indeed. 

Cheers, Steve.

Edited August 10, 2017 by bigpearl