Holding a grudge

[Queenie O.]

6 hours ago, stevewool said:

Queenie , you are like a agony aunt, I write something on here and you give a honest and a caring answer, i am not saying the men dont but coming from a lady it does sound so different .

Hey Steve--hahaha What's an agony aunt?    Thanks I guess.

Anything that I come up with is only from what I've lived or observed in my own experiences here.  That's what's great about this forum. There are so many honest voiced experiences it seems and points of view from so many that it helps all of us see an issue or observation from many fresh angles. For better or worse we have all experienced the good and bad of many common shared experiences.  It's always heartening to me that I'm not alone, and that people can relate to me too.

We have all experienced happiness here I think, but along with that, a share of negative drama at times. Such is life I guess.

Oh I get it now... Like an advice columnist--"Dear Ann or Dear Abby" in the States!    

I thought "Ask Jake" was like that.

  

Edited October 27, 2017 by Queenie O.

[bigpearl]

5 hours ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

So remaining quiet, in this culture, is the best option because you cannot help those who do not want to be helped.

EDIT:  I do not know, and cannot know, if Steve's sister-in-law is in this situation.  I do know this behavior is common and there is a better than average chance that it might be the case.

So true Dave and what you reiterate rings true not only with Filipino culture, It appears to be a mind set in all cultures when the victim returns for more. Unfortunate yes. Repairable? Maybe with education and support.

Cheers, Steve.

[MikeB]

Wow, so much drama and being a long time denizen of forums I’ve heard variations of it many times. Everyone seems to have a horror story. My situation must be unique because in 6 years the wife’s family has never asked or expected anything from me and they are dirt poor. But they all work honestly and get by. There have been some real emergencies, mostly medical, where I helped (with the others) but that’s it. Wife’s Mother is a tiny woman but strong and proud. I think that must be it. Or maybe I’m just lucky.

[Queenie O.]

3 minutes ago, MikeB said:

Wow, so much drama and being a long time denizen of forums I’ve heard variations of it many times. Everyone seems to have a horror story. My situation must be unique because in 6 years the wife’s family has never asked or expected anything from me and they are dirt poor. But they all work honestly and get by. There have been some real emergencies, mostly medical, where I helped (with the others) but that’s it. Wife’s Mother is a tiny woman but strong and proud. I think that must be it. Or maybe I’m just lucky.

In my experience with family here Mike, we've had some bad drama from some isolated family members, but for the most part the family has not been very demanding or abusive to us either.  Consider yourself lucky for the fortunate situation that you and your wife have. 

[Tukaram (Tim)]

My wife and her sister got into a fight. I have no idea what about - and I stayed out of it. The sister is OFW in Malaysia and not only unfriended her on FB but blocked her as well.  The sister-in-law did not unfriend me, though...  I still stayed out of it.

A month or so later they were chatting online. Whatever it was that happened had blown over. I could see no benefit of me getting involved. They worked it out and moved on. 

I do not fight with my own siblings, I am certainly not going to fight with hers. 

[bigpearl]

3 hours ago, Clermont said:

Here in Oz, you can't even call your wife derogatory names, let alone lay a hand on them, it's called domestic violence and the women doesn't have to lay the charge, the police do it if by talking to neighbors, witnesses in the vicinity and if they think you have a case to answer, your gone. It's called a DVO and if you have one of them against you, do not waste your time to apply for a partner visa to Australia, new immigration laws. So all you HE men out there, " don't burn your bridges when you're young, at a later age you might want to go back over that Bridge". By the way it applies to she cats as well, if you're going to biff you're no good husband, make sure there's no witnesses.

Agree Clermont with your words and observations of Oz law but swing it around to perhaps husband bashers and their rights, few believe in Oz and I am sure even fewer in PH. regardless  If you love your husband or wife why would you dare lay a hand upon "your life commitment" and destroy or try to control with violence when simply what frustrated? Or that you didn't or don't get your own way? My experience in Oz and this forums country is that there will always be low life's without respect for other human beings and it doesn't stop with relationships or families.

Cheers, Steve.

[MikeB]

16 minutes ago, Queenie O. said:

Consider yourself lucky for the fortunate situation that you and your wife have. 

Not really luck, they were taught from the get-go that it's shameful to ask or expect anything from anyone but yourself. 

[Queenie O.]

2 hours ago, Mr-T said:

Steve i can relate to your post. Me been married to the youngest of ten kids. My wife is the most thoughtful loving and giving person you will ever meet. Years ago when we lived in the U.S., before i retired we would send money to all family members here in the Ph. Put nieces and nephews through school, lend money which was never paid back, many thousands of pesos or dollars. When i retired we figured we would come to the Ph. as we feel my wife would be with her siblings and help her mom who is old. So we built a small house in the family compound on a 70 Sq. meter lot which we bought from one of her brother. After we built the house the brother came to us asking for more peso for the lot. Mind you the lot was already paid for and we had signed and finger printed receipt. He suddenly wanted to double the price after about two years after the sale. We just ignored him so now he hate us. Another brother we hired as a driver when we travel to Manila. Well he acted like it was his vehicle and he was the boss. Road bully and very unsafe driver, text while driving, pass on blind corners and you name it. Always showing off and when things does not suit him he tampo. Wife afraid to correct him because she is the younger one.  Eventually he fired himself by refusing to drive for us when we wanted to go out of town. So we hired another driver who was 100% the opposite of him and who we liked, so now he is out. That did not go over too well with him. He even went to the new driver's wife and threatened her trying to scare them in hope that our driver would quit. Our driver eventually went to his house and told him to stop what he is doing or else something bad is going to happen, so he stopped. Even if the new driver quit on us we would never hire the brother again anyway. So now he hates us. Her sister who also live in the compound, who we helped the most, very envious and jelous of my wife's friends and old school mates who would visit her, they did not like that. Anyone came to visit my wife this sister would drop what ever she is doing and rushed into our house plop down on the couch listening to their conversations. Wife afraid to send the sister away. While living in the compound we would often feed the whole family of about twenty people.  Because the little sister is married to a foreigner she is supposed to give then anything they want. These people always have their hands out but never give anything in return. 

Eventually we left the compound and sold the house to the sister at a under value price. The brother who sold us the lot was now more p----d. What i am stating here is just a small amount of the grief we went through with them. A lot of disrespect to us with no love for their younger sister. They all tried to bully her and me i feel as if i do not count. They came to our house last january and started a big quarrel with my wife which i was unaware of at the time. So now they are all banned from our home. I will not mingle with them, help anyone of the family any more. So yes we are holding a grudge if that is what it is. Silent treatment. They owe my wife an apology and if they cannot realise that then too bad for them. Even if there is an apology  they are still out because they will go back to the same old way eventually. Happens before. Few months ago the brother invited us to his birthday party but we did not attend, reason is if we go and break bread with them that will make them look like they are justified in disrespecting my wife. 

My advise to Steve is to just let it be.Take the high road. Please excuse my rant but my advise is to anyone here. Live far away from family members. 

Boy Mr.-T --you've really seen it all I guess.  I can understand that what you and your wife are doing is really your only option.  I think that it's harder for Filipina wives too because there is a pecking order in family units, and to question an elder sibling is hard for many.  Fortunately for me, my Filipino husband must really first hand face issues that come up. Because he is the eldest male (his eldest  eldest brother died years ago) and his only next in line sister lives in the States and has  little interest or contact. They are  less willing to disrespect him, and also know what side their bread is buttered on. 

Edited October 27, 2017 by Queenie O.

[Queenie O.]

Just now, MikeB said:

Not really luck, they were taught from the get-go that it's shameful to ask or expect anything from anyone but yourself. 

Who taught them that Mike?

[bigpearl]

2 hours ago, Mr-T said:

My advise to Steve is to just let it be.Take the high road. Please excuse my rant but my advise is to anyone here. Live far away from family members. 

LOL, how far? Thanks for sharing your woes mr-T, very glad we have not been through your scenario and hope that sort of thing never happens to us. Learning, learning daily from all contributors. Appreciate your candid post and reflect on similar situations that "we" avoid through diligence. So far,,,,,,,,,,,

Cheers, Steve.