Holding a grudge

[MikeB]

1 minute ago, Queenie O. said:

Who taught them that Mike?

The Mother.

[bigpearl]

49 minutes ago, Queenie O. said:

Hey Steve--hahaha What's an agony aunt?    Thanks I guess.

I read Steve's post as a compliment Queenie, Your views and take on life in the Philippines gives a totally different angle, love it and don't stop posting, hugs.

Cheers, Steve.

[bigpearl]

49 minutes ago, MikeB said:

Wow, so much drama and being a long time denizen of forums I’ve heard variations of it many times. Everyone seems to have a horror story. My situation must be unique because in 6 years the wife’s family has never asked or expected anything from me and they are dirt poor. But they all work honestly and get by. There have been some real emergencies, mostly medical, where I helped (with the others) but that’s it. Wife’s Mother is a tiny woman but strong and proud. I think that must be it. Or maybe I’m just lucky.

Drama it is Mike as you know, (look at the soapies or the cr*p on tv) lucky you and lucky me as we set the ground rules as you perhaps did years ago. The horror stories for me are a reminder of what could be with lack of communication with my SO and for us? It is us and yes while we help we give as required or where deemed necessary. "Baby if you want to go to Italy again then we need to consider our finances". Bengies family as a whole work and make ends meet and while we do contribute it is minimal, lazy bums within our family have never asked for help and obviously will never receive.

Cheers, Steve.

[Jack Peterson]

2 hours ago, MikeB said:

Wow, so much drama and being a long time denizen of forums I’ve heard variations of it many times.

 Yes Mike I will agree to a point, being many years here i can sympathize with the OP, we were all new here once and unfortunately this OP has not made the move yet. We all have a story so I think we should listen 

[PaulB]

13 hours ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

Unfortunately, in the many instances I have seen where a filipino hits his wife, the victim does not seem to want to be rescued.  You can get her out of the situation for a short time but she will go right back to him the moment she has a chance.  This is not just me, as a foreigner, trying to help.  I saw the same situation where my ex's mother tried to help her sister (who was being beat up bad by her husband).  But the sister kept going back to him.

So remaining quiet, in this culture, is the best option because you cannot help those who do not want to be helped.

EDIT:  I do not know, and cannot know, if Steve's sister-in-law is in this situation.  I do know this behavior is common and there is a better than average chance that it might be the case.

I was a Police officer for 13 years dealing with the revolving door of domestic violence every day. Sometimes it is impossible to help someone unless they want to help themselves. Also for some people the thought of having to move out, have no roof and no money is a harder punch then the punch itself so they stay in the revolving door of violence.

Just my thoughts.

 

Paul

[stevewool]

9 hours ago, Mr-T said:

Steve i can relate to your post. Me been married to the youngest of ten kids. My wife is the most thoughtful loving and giving person you will ever meet. Years ago when we lived in the U.S., before i retired we would send money to all family members here in the Ph. Put nieces and nephews through school, lend money which was never paid back, many thousands of pesos or dollars. When i retired we figured we would come to the Ph. as we feel my wife would be with her siblings and help her mom who is old. So we built a small house in the family compound on a 70 Sq. meter lot which we bought from one of her brother. After we built the house the brother came to us asking for more peso for the lot. Mind you the lot was already paid for and we had signed and finger printed receipt. He suddenly wanted to double the price after about two years after the sale. We just ignored him so now he hate us. Another brother we hired as a driver when we travel to Manila. Well he acted like it was his vehicle and he was the boss. Road bully and very unsafe driver, text while driving, pass on blind corners and you name it. Always showing off and when things does not suit him he tampo. Wife afraid to correct him because she is the younger one.  Eventually he fired himself by refusing to drive for us when we wanted to go out of town. So we hired another driver who was 100% the opposite of him and who we liked, so now he is out. That did not go over too well with him. He even went to the new driver's wife and threatened her trying to scare them in hope that our driver would quit. Our driver eventually went to his house and told him to stop what he is doing or else something bad is going to happen, so he stopped. Even if the new driver quit on us we would never hire the brother again anyway. So now he hates us. Her sister who also live in the compound, who we helped the most, very envious and jelous of my wife's friends and old school mates who would visit her, they did not like that. Anyone came to visit my wife this sister would drop what ever she is doing and rushed into our house plop down on the couch listening to their conversations. Wife afraid to send the sister away. While living in the compound we would often feed the whole family of about twenty people.  Because the little sister is married to a foreigner she is supposed to give then anything they want. These people always have their hands out but never give anything in return. 

Eventually we left the compound and sold the house to the sister at a under value price. The brother who sold us the lot was now more p----d. What i am stating here is just a small amount of the grief we went through with them. A lot of disrespect to us with no love for their younger sister. They all tried to bully her and me i feel as if i do not count. They came to our house last january and started a big quarrel with my wife which i was unaware of at the time. So now they are all banned from our home. I will not mingle with them, help anyone of the family any more. So yes we are holding a grudge if that is what it is. Silent treatment. They owe my wife an apology and if they cannot realise that then too bad for them. Even if there is an apology  they are still out because they will go back to the same old way eventually. Happens before. Few months ago the brother invited us to his birthday party but we did not attend, reason is if we go and break bread with them that will make them look like they are justified in disrespecting my wife. 

My advise to Steve is to just let it be.Take the high road. Please excuse my rant but my advise is to anyone here. Live far away from family members. 

Thanks for sharing, Emma is the youngest girl and as the others married she was left on the shelf to look after there needs and her mum when she fell ill, but hey , the kids done well   now as they say.

[stevewool]

7 hours ago, Queenie O. said:

Hey Steve--hahaha What's an agony aunt?    Thanks I guess.

Anything that I come up with is only from what I've lived or observed in my own experiences here.  That's what's great about this forum. There are so many honest voiced experiences it seems and points of view from so many that it helps all of us see an issue or observation from many fresh angles. For better or worse we have all experienced the good and bad of many common shared experiences.  It's always heartening to me that I'm not alone, and that people can relate to me too.

We have all experienced happiness here I think, but along with that, a share of negative drama at times. Such is life I guess.

Oh I get it now... Like an advice columnist--"Dear Ann or Dear Abby" in the States!    

I thought "Ask Jake" was like that.

  

We could start a new thread of Asking Dear Queenie

Ask Jake is always about another subject

[Clermont]

Most of us are matured and can remember next door neighbours fighting when we were children and I can still remember being smacked for using a word I'd heard in one of them stosh's. It is the animal instinct in us to fight to survive through dominance of others, alcoholism, mental problems, frustration, you can add anything you want as an excuse, but the world is changing, enough is enough.

I have read just recently that the BI in the PI have turned a passenger around from a certain country with a history of Domestic Violence at the airport, where did they get the information from?.

Change takes time and if you stop and think the PI is changing for the better too.

The wife tells me that if the police are called they generally take the bloke with them back to the station for the night and in the morning if it is only a drunken squabble he apologizes to his wife in front of them, loss of face, if it happens again, he hobbles around for a day or two. I remember one of or neighbor when I was young hobbling around for a day or two. So in my observation of the PI domestic situation, it is changing, social media is playing a big part in it, who wants their wife/gf picture with a bunged eye on FB.

The wife's nephew has attended a few of these incidents and although it's rough justice, but sometimes they deserve it he says. My writing but not my thoughts on rough justice. The older generation will die out in the next 20 odd years, just the same as it has back home, and the younger generation are twigging that it is not acceptable to clobber the missus especially when her bruised face is there for all to see on FB.

In the meantime, all we can do is make sure there is a fence paling handy if the squabble happens around you, and be sure to keep an eye on his missus if you dong him. In my younger years I got attacked with a broom by a bloodied woman after jobing him for hitting her.