Are all families the same

[stevewool]

Now i like to talk and i also like to listen , i also have been known to read a little too, so all my knowledge is from listening to what others have told me or i have overheard and all so i have read.

So when Emma tells me about a family member who is having problems with there inlaws i do listen.

It seems that the SIL father in law is not very well and he is in hospital and the bill is getting higher and higher and they are bothering her to help pay towards this, well with tears flowing how can they do this she asked.

Also it seems the house where he was living is being looked over by everyone in the family so there is even strong language about who should have this and that.

Well Ems i asked, what would you do if it was your father who needed help , well Steve we are different we love each other and this would never happen, well my answer was "where money is concerned people change".

Now i am not sure if i heard this right and remember its facetime it was suggested that our house we had built on the family lot at the back of there apartments could be built and with that income any future problems could be paid for , well i did not respond , but again you think , where is the money coming from to build these apartments and who is going to have the funds from them.

It is another nail in the coffin for me thinking that i could live in the house we paid to build, but if it made Emma happy that she built that for her dad i am happy too, its not too much money to walk away from if i had too, there is more ways to get that cash back over time. living and being happy where i am living is more important then saving a few bob .

[Dave Hounddriver]

12 hours ago, stevewool said:

if it made Emma happy that she built that for her dad i am happy too, its not too much money to walk away from if i had to

 

12 hours ago, stevewool said:

when Emma tells me about a family member who is having problems with there inlaws i do listen.

2 comments Steve.

The first part I quoted I want to say:  Good for you!  You are indeed learning.  Many would fight about it and that would add to the problem because a happy wife is a happy life, PROVIDED she is not walking all over you to get to her happiness and it does not sound like Emma is doing that to you. 

The second part I quoted I want to reply:  Most of the time all they want us to do is listen.  We think they want us to help solve their family problems but they DON'T.  They don't want us involved in their family problems, they just want us to listen while they work it out themselves.  Best thing to do is repeat back to her whatever she said that makes sense.  Positive reinforcement.  Such is my opinion 

[mogo51]

27 minutes ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

 

 

The second part I quoted I want to reply:  Most of the time all they want us to do is listen.  We think they want us to help solve their family problems but they DON'T.  They don't want us involved in their family problems, they just want us to listen while they work it out themselves.  Best thing to do is repeat back to her whatever she said that makes sense.  Positive reinforcement.  Such is my opinion 

Not sure I agree.  Steve has not even got to the Philippines and already the vultures are hovering.  If he wants to protect what he has achieved from years of hard work, he may have to have a mind rethink.

[Jack Peterson]

4 minutes ago, mogo51 said:

Steve has not even got to the Philippines and already the vultures are hovering. 

  Not sure they are Vultures, seem more like Hawks seeking 

[intrepid]

1 hour ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

The second part I quoted I want to reply:  Most of the time all they want us to do is listen.  We think they want us to help solve their family problems but they DON'T.

You are so right on this and I think this goes to many of their other  problems and issues outside the family ones.  Actually now that I think about it, most women everywhere are like this.  Usually want our support,  but not help resolving their problems. 

[davewe]

1 hour ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

The second part I quoted I want to reply:  Most of the time all they want us to do is listen.  We think they want us to help solve their family problems but they DON'T.  They don't want us involved in their family problems, they just want us to listen while they work it out themselves.  Best thing to do is repeat back to her whatever she said that makes sense.  Positive reinforcement.  Such is my opinion 

Great insight, Jack! One of the fundamental differences between men and women (in all cultures) is that men believe they are tasked to fix things. So when our wives come to us with a problem we believe we are being asked to solve that problem. Much of the time this is not true. As you point out in most cases the wives are sharing and asking to be heard. 

OTOH if after being heard she empties your bank account, then I guess she was looking for you to fix it!

[Jake]

13 hours ago, stevewool said:

Now i like to talk and i also like to listen , i also have been known to read a little too, so all my knowledge is from listening........

It is another nail in the coffin for me thinking that i could live in the house we paid to build, but if it made Emma happy that she built that for her dad i am happy too, its not too much money to walk away from if i had too, there is more ways to get that cash back over time. living and being happy where i am living is more important then saving a few bob .

We realize that you are a highly educated man with compassion and patience.  Since you like to read, I believe the writing is on the wall -- right in front of you.  The problem however, is an emotional one.  Unfortunately dealing with extended family issues, sometimes you have to throw logic out the window.  I'm talking about your lovely wife Emma.  She is caught between her deep obligation to her family and to her husband.  I can really feel her pain and anguish.  

There are no easy solutions here.  I believe we all faced these issues with the extended family and one solution may not work for another expat.  But look at your last sentence Steve.  Sooner or later, you must make a command decision, as you sit down with a heart to heart discussion with Emma.  Do you really want more stress during your golden years?  Will you be stressed out whenever there is a knock at the door or another phone call from the in laws?  How does one handle stress anyway?  

Bottom line.....I look for another distant place to retire, possibly on another island.  Pursue you hobby as a photographer and watch the sunrise come into view.  After all, don't you deserve a peaceful retirement that you work so hard for?  Respectfully Jake  

[Jack Peterson]

2 minutes ago, davewe said:

Great insight, Jack! One of the fundamental differences between men and women

 I would maybe agree somewhere along the Way but Dave"W" if I knew what else was in Dave "H's mind as he wrote it Not me so I would be rude to take any Credit for it.   Coffee time perhaps? 

 

1 hour ago, Dave Hounddriver said:

The second part I quoted I want to reply:  Most of the time all they want us to do is listen.  We think they want us to help solve their family problems but they DON'T.  They don't want us involved in their family problems, they just want us to listen while they work it out themselves.  Best thing to do is repeat back to her whatever she said that makes sense.  Positive reinforcement.  Such is my opinion 

 

[Clermont]

Been there done that Steve, seeing the wife is the oldest she has control over all ancestral property, 5 ace rice farm, + barangay house. When she came to Aus I foresaw a problem with this and I told her to relinquish her authority over the properties she didn't need them. Unbeknown to me it's not that simple, Uncle Peter told me that they were left in her care by Tatay and Nanay so she had responsibility to look after them. Well it was decided Uncle Peter would look after the farm and the other brother would have control over the house, they agreed. I thought that was the end.

Now the farm had been left to run down, it needed a wheel tractor and thrasher to make it profitable again, who do you think fixed the problem for Uncle Peter, then the roof on the house was buggered from orlando, who do you think fixed the problem. But Uncle Peter had met his match, I quietly reminded him that my wife was the heir to the properties and she was entitled to a share in the rice and we'd be charging rent on the house. Uncle Peter still doesn't know whether I'm fair dinkum or not, but at least we'll have cheap labour when we get over there.

[Jake]

5 minutes ago, Clermont said:

Been there done that Steve, seeing the wife is the oldest she has control over all ancestral property, 5 ace rice farm, + barangay house. When she came to Aus I foresaw a problem with this and I told her to relinquish her authority over the properties she didn't need them. Unbeknown to me it's not that simple, Uncle Peter told me that they were left in her care by Tatay and Nanay so she had responsibility to look after them. Well it was decided Uncle Peter would look after the farm and the other brother would have control over the house, they agreed. I thought that was the end.

Now the farm had been left to run down, it needed a wheel tractor and thrasher to make it profitable again, who do you think fixed the problem for Uncle Peter, then the roof on the house was buggered from orlando, who do you think fixed the problem. But Uncle Peter had met his match, I quietly reminded him that my wife was the heir to the properties and she was entitled to a share in the rice and we'd be charging rent on the house. Uncle Peter still doesn't know whether I'm fair dinkum or not, but at least we'll have cheap labour when we get over there.

You are definitely not a fruit loop.  Fair dinkum?  Bloody oath, I would say!