Being used

[hk blues]

I drew a marker in the sand from the outset - not consciously but I suppose my instincts kicked in.  Being Scottish, I've worked hard to earn a decent living and expect others to do the same rather than live off my hard work (in other words, I'm mean) .  I'm extremely lucky in that my wife NEVER asks for anything and her family the same but, as I say, I set the boundaries very early on so that may have impacted on that - or they are just a genuinely good family which I prefer to believe and I've no reason to doubt. 

The problem is, like feeding a wild dog or cat, once you start you have kind of taken the responsibility and created expectations. 

[JDDavao II]

My first act of true involvement with my wife was to try to give her money for a ferry from Manila to her aunt's island. In truth, I didn't want to lose track of her as we'd only just met online. And, I say this rather guiltily now, I wanted to throw a little loop over her head with money.

She refused. More than once. But she was going. She'd sold almost everything and was only killing time online at an internet cafe owned by a friend when we met. She had to leave Manila.

I offered a couple of more times and she refused. Her girlfriend then sent me a note and told me that she was about to sell her clothing to pay for the ferry. I insisted one last time and she accepted.

Then I had a dark thought: was I just scammed?

But I hadn't been.

Throughout the nearly three years that we "dated" online before I visited and then well after that while we worked on her visa, she voluntarily accounted for the money that I sent her. We spent nearly four hours a day/night video chatting, just being with each other. And sometimes if I lost track and it seemed that she'd run out of money sooner than I thought she should, I asked and she rattled off her expenses.

We came to an understanding about money long before we were married. She said her immediate family wouldn't ask for money because they'd be too embarrassed but that she would handle requests from extended family. We knew they'd come. And when they did, she turned them down and told me about it.

A couple of times we did send money for emergencies. A nephew broke his arm. The aunt she had stayed with was on a ferry that capsized and lost all of her belongings. An uncle died and there wasn't money to pay his hospital bill and bury him both. 

Get you a hard-headed woman, fellas. At least, hard-headed about money.

 

Edited January 21, 2019 by JDDavao
spelling

[Arizona Kid]

17 hours ago, stevewool said:

Its good to give and even better to receive but being involved with the Philippines make sure you are in control of your wallet and brain

BRAIN !! That's the key. If it doesn't feel right..step back..ask questions..get proof. If they act like their feelings are hurt, so what? YOU aren't the one asking THEM for money..it's the other way around. Once they know you're not gullible the loan request's will slow WAY down.

[Arizona Kid]

2 hours ago, JDDavao said:

My first act of true involvement with my wife was to try to give her money for a ferry from Manila to her aunt's island. In truth, I didn't want to lose track of her as we'd only just met online. And, I say this rather guiltily now, I wanted to throw a little loop over her head with money.

She refused. More than once. But she was going. She'd sold almost everything and was only killing time online at an internet cafe owned by a friend when we met. She had to leave Manila.

I offered a couple of more times and she refused. Her girlfriend then sent me a note and told me that she was about to sell her clothing to pay for the ferry. I insisted one last time and she accepted.

Then I had a dark thought: was I just scammed?

But I hadn't been.

Throughout the nearly three years that we "dated" online before I visited and then well after that while we worked on her visa, she voluntarily accounted for the money that I sent her. We spent nearly four hours a day/night video chatting, just being with each other. And sometimes if I lost track and it seemed that she'd run out of money sooner than I thought she should, I asked and she rattled off her expenses.

We came to an understanding about money long before we were married. She said her immediate family wouldn't ask for money because they'd be too embarrassed but that she would handle requests from extended family. We knew they'd come. And when they did, she turned them down and told me about it.

A couple of times we did send money for emergencies. A nephew broke his arm. The aunt she had stayed with was on a ferry that capsized and lost all of her belongings. An uncle died and there wasn't money to pay his hospital bill and bury him both. 

Get you a hard-headed woman, fellas. At least, hard-headed about money.

 

Sounds like you got a good one. Good for you.

[Yeochief]

I asked Olivia when we met online if she was sending money to her family, Mom and Dad was my main concern.  Her younger brother, younger sister with husband and son live with them.  Older sister, daughter and granddaughter spend most of there time there.  Olivia was sending about  5000 peso a month to them.  I knew that I had to replace that amount per month, so I started sending $350 ((18000 peso) a month.  At that time I asked Olivia to stop working so she could spend time with her family prior to coming to the United States.  She did and I added another $250, making it $600 a month.  The money was to pay the bills and put the rest in savings in case of emergency.  A few months later a situation came up and extra money was need, I said use the money in the emergency saving, reply was we don't have any money in the emergency funds.  I helped out, then told the wife that I would drop the money back down to $350 a month and that I would put the extra $250.00 in saving here.  They have not asked for extra since then.  The wife is with me now for over 4 months now.   We have a nephew (13),  2 great nephews (6 and 6 months) and one great niece (5) I will help with school, I believe in education.  I'm not book smart, but I do believe I'm street smart and have common sense.

 

 

 

 

2

[Snowy79]

8 hours ago, Yeochief said:

I asked Olivia when we met online if she was sending money to her family, Mom and Dad was my main concern.  Her younger brother, younger sister with husband and son live with them.  Older sister, daughter and granddaughter spend most of there time there.  Olivia was sending about  5000 peso a month to them.  I knew that I had to replace that amount per month, so I started sending $350 ((18000 peso) a month.  At that time I asked Olivia to stop working so she could spend time with her family prior to coming to the United States.  She did and I added another $250, making it $600 a month.  The money was to pay the bills and put the rest in savings in case of emergency.  A few months later a situation came up and extra money was need, I said use the money in the emergency saving, reply was we don't have any money in the emergency funds.  I helped out, then told the wife that I would drop the money back down to $350 a month and that I would put the extra $250.00 in saving here.  They have not asked for extra since then.  The wife is with me now for over 4 months now.   We have a nephew (13),  2 great nephews (6 and 6 months) and one great niece (5) I will help with school, I believe in education.  I'm not book smart, but I do believe I'm street smart and have common sense.

 

 

 

 

2

I'll agree it's only fair to replace what is lost if you take the family support away. Unfortunately you still get individuals being over generous which from experience breeds corruption and opens partners eyes to bigger temptations.

I'm friendly with a few girls here including a mamasan. They are very open about using Westerners as a stepping stone. One earns say 5k per month and finds a guy wanting her to be his wife. Being Western he thinks 5k isn't worth going out to work for so gives her a little more to stop working. 

A little down the line she's chatting to a new guy and explains she gets 10k per month. Again this guy says he'll match it. Within a year she's got a couple of Fiances on the go each sending her money. 

Then her eyes are opened to a Visa and life in a country where you get benefits. She marries her usually older partner, moves to the West and once she's a permanent resident ditches her husband for a younger guy. It's a scenario that's played out all too often. 

Treat them mean, keep them keen. 

[manofthecoldland]

7 hours ago, Yeochief said:

She did and I added another $250, making it $600 a month.  The money was to pay the bills and put the rest in savings in case of emergency.  A few months later a situation came up and extra money was need, I said use the money in the emergency saving, reply was we don't have any money in the emergency funds.

I have not had any luck in getting this concept to work here at all. The best I could manage to achieve was to get the asawa to consider the last P 2K in her bank account as 'untouchable' if she didn't want the bank to keep dinging her for 'below min. balance fees'. That she understands now. She also understands the importance of maintaining and keeping her SSS and Philhealth accounts pre-paid. Ditto for avoiding 'late fees' on bills. But setting aside and building up an emergency savings reserve seems beyond her psychological ability.         Practically all expats living here passed the psycholgical 'marshmellow test' (You can eat the one I'm setting before you now.  Or, if you don't and can wait until I return... I will give you another one and then you will have 2 to eat when you wish.)  to make it here. A few then fail it after they arrive and become destitute. Most expat culturally learned the immense value of deferred gratification, budgeting, planning and saving for the future. This is not a lesson strongly taught or learned in this culture it seems. while growing up here. Day to day survival and spending all that you have is the norm  for many  reasons...... and it holds true even in many advanced economic societies. Set aside Savings are only possible when you have 'extra money' (as they say here). Most people, and governments it seems,  live up to their income levels, if not beyond. The ratio of savers to spenders here is much lower than we have in our home countries, so don't have high expectations in these matters. To wit: my close friend of 45 years, who has been coming here on and off for 30 years (including a 10 yr. failed marriage with a Pinay) still thinks he can teach his step children to set aside savings for the future. So far, no luck. I just accept the reality I see here and rely only upon my own fiscal discipline to see us through. Good luck with your situation.... there are many smart and disciplined Pinays who are able to pass the marshmellow test as they gain life experience, but I wouldn't expect it of many of he younger ones. Its always important to understand your signif. other's philosophy of money, i. e.,  saver or spender or where on the scale, before teaming up. Major cause of failed relationships.

  

[hk blues]

13 hours ago, Yeochief said:

I asked Olivia when we met online if she was sending money to her family, Mom and Dad was my main concern.  Her younger brother, younger sister with husband and son live with them.  Older sister, daughter and granddaughter spend most of there time there.  Olivia was sending about  5000 peso a month to them.  I knew that I had to replace that amount per month, so I started sending $350 ((18000 peso) a month.  At that time I asked Olivia to stop working so she could spend time with her family prior to coming to the United States.  She did and I added another $250, making it $600 a month.  The money was to pay the bills and put the rest in savings in case of emergency.  A few months later a situation came up and extra money was need, I said use the money in the emergency saving, reply was we don't have any money in the emergency funds.  I helped out, then told the wife that I would drop the money back down to $350 a month and that I would put the extra $250.00 in saving here.  They have not asked for extra since then.  The wife is with me now for over 4 months now.   We have a nephew (13),  2 great nephews (6 and 6 months) and one great niece (5) I will help with school, I believe in education.  I'm not book smart, but I do believe I'm street smart and have common sense.

 

 

 

 

2

I'm a heartless Scotsman - When my wife and I got together in Hong Kong she stopped working and she said that it was now her older sister's and younger brother's turn to subsidise the family in the Philippines.  I didn't argue.

I just don't buy into the culture here and expect my wife's family to take care of themselves as I, and my family (parents and sisters)  in the UK, have to.  Would I help in an emergency situation - yes, I would.  But, my definition of an emergency may not match theirs.    In the past 6 or 7 years we haven't had  any emergencies.  

I have a good relationship with my wife's family and am sure it wouldn't be improved by me financing their lifestyle.  We all have different ideas on this topic and I respect those who choose to finance their relatives here.  

[GeoffH]

I am very lucky to have a better half who understands saving and delayed gratification.  SWMBO came to me after researching by herself a locally based retirement pension/superannuation type plan.  The agent (who worked in a different part of the company to the sister in law) came around to the house and did a presentation.

Now SWMBO is putting away into this fund out of her own money roughly 10,000 peso per month for when she is old.

In addition she surprised me by announcing proudly when I arrived back from spending 2 months in Australia last time, that she had reached 100,000 peso in her regular bank account (and this was after she bought me a new iPhone Xr for Christmas).

I sometimes think I am the impulsive one and spend too easily, I send a moderate amount of support to some of the family in Ozamiz and SWMBO sends a small amount to her Lola south of Cebu.

Emergency funds have been sent for hospital treatment for 2 of the children but normal extras are dealt with by small advances which stop the weekly support until it catches up.  The fixed small support budget is affordable to us but I understand why people might choose otherwise.

Edited January 22, 2019 by GeoffH

[Robi]

To be "Used", you have to set yourself up.

Learned years ago to beat them to the punch.

Use the User. Turn about is fair play.