So tired of my wife's relatives.

[Clermont]

I've read a lot about this sort of situation in other posts and we are our own worst enemy. My wife has warned me time after time not to send money to relies, but do I listen , no. Now since a little incident happened just recently, I have put the brakes on sending money for any reason and I refer back to that incident when questioned, why. The Filipino's aren't dumb and they understand my reasoning, it is not me that they are cranky with, it is their countrymen who flogged the horse till it died. Maybe if we pointed out a certain incident to the borrower, that could save a lot of face for you and your wife, it's worked for us. 

[RubberChicken]

On 5/2/2019 at 10:20 AM, graham59 said:

This evening I asked my Mrs what her family thought of me.

She said they think I'm a 'kuripot'.

My response ?  GOOD !

I am an OAP on a small pension, after 50 years hard work... not some lazy arse family's ATM !  

Victory! As you know you and all like us are a very small target with little payoff value now. 

[gbmmbg]

Well time for a update. We arrived back in the states and went through all of our mail. Well low and behold  it looks like my wife's sister filled bankruptcy and wiped out the last 8000$ she owed us. Got to love relatives. I went on line, got a copy of the paperwork and it seems they forgot to mention to the trustee that the have a house and a business in cebu. The kick in the ass is no matter how much they shit on us I cant make the call to turn them in......   

[Heeb]

My wife’s family is just as bad, I talked to her today and she’s upset that someone has stolen her diamond earrings that I bought for our anniversary a few years ago, they were in her purse in a plastic bag, it’s not the first time she’s been ripped off, sad thing is it’s her house in the province and all the people living there are freeloaders. She’s headed back to Subic to square our bills away but she said she’s going back and hiring someone to investigate. She wants do give everyone a lie detector test. Over the years she tried to set them up with businesses but they just end up selling or pawning the equipment or eating the pigs and chickens, She’s been through some tough illnesses including cancer and went back to work too soon and they never even stopped asking us for money. They’re lucky she survived because they would be cut off immediately if she died, I’m glad we never petitioned any of them to come to the U.S.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Heeb

[Jake]

3 hours ago, gbmmbg said:

Well time for a update. We arrived back in the states and went through all of our mail. Well low and behold  it looks like my wife's sister filled bankruptcy and wiped out the last 8000$ she owed us. 

Hello Greg,

You certainly have suffered enough.  Amid all other things going on these days, having a short fuse dealing with wife's relatives can really stress you out.  Like no sleep, appetite shot, being irritable all the time and possibly your marriage being affected as well.

I know and feel your frustrations.  I've been through hell and back to hell and I'm Filipino.  I should have known better.  But in the end, I finally made peace within myself.  All those thankless gestures, money and property lost --- please consider all that as a DONATION, rather than worrying whether you will get any of that back.  Many of that shit was beyond your control anyway.

How about some stress relief Greg?  Let's go desert shooting, OK?  Respectfully Jake 
 

  
 

Edited August 27, 2020 by Jake

[GeoffH]

15 minutes ago, Jake said:

All those thankless gestures, money and property lost --- please consider all that as a DONATION

 

I think this is one of the wisest pieces of advice in the entire thread.

Earlier in the thread I said that I'd been lucky and that most of SWMBOs relatives weren't a problem (and that's true).

But we too got caught out by one uncle to whom we 'loaned' money (and it wasn't a small amount either).

Now days we only send what we can afford and we send it as gifts or help not as loans and that works out better in my experience.

 

[hk blues]

24 minutes ago, GeoffH said:

 

I think this is one of the wisest pieces of advice in the entire thread.

Earlier in the thread I said that I'd been lucky and that most of SWMBOs relatives weren't a problem (and that's true).

But we too got caught out by one uncle to whom we 'loaned' money (and it wasn't a small amount either).

Now days we only send what we can afford and we send it as gifts or help not as loans and that works out better in my experience.

 

Whilst I understand the sentiment, for me If I lend money I expect it back.  If I give money then it's a donation if you like.  As long as both parties are clear, and we can certainly make sure of that, then there is no ambiguity.  As I've said before, If I lend money and it's not repaid then that's the last time I'd lend to that person. 

[GeoffH]

9 minutes ago, hk blues said:

As I've said before, If I lend money and it's not repaid then that's the last time I'd lend to that person. 

Of course, I wouldn't loan again either.

But the real question is would I (or you) help that family member in an emergency if money was outstanding (and why or why not?).

 

I faced exactly that question more recently when the exact same uncle who loaned money and didn't repay it ended up needing emergency hospital care.

 

After some long talks between SWMBO and me we sent an amount that would help with but not pay the hospital bill.  As SWMBO said there are other family members too and we shouldn't have to pay the entire amount. 

I struggled with this question for a couple of days but I didn't want to create bad feelings between family members (or trouble for SWMBO) and eventually decided that to me it was worth at least some money to avoid that.

 

You might avoid this situation or just decide upon a blanket rule of once bitten twice shy (and I get that) but it can have other consequences in a place like the Philippines.

[OnMyWay]

28 minutes ago, hk blues said:

Whilst I understand the sentiment, for me If I lend money I expect it back.  If I give money then it's a donation if you like.  As long as both parties are clear, and we can certainly make sure of that, then there is no ambiguity.  As I've said before, If I lend money and it's not repaid then that's the last time I'd lend to that person. 

Similar for me.  I think I have written about my wife's family before and for the most part she has a great family.  Mom and dad are gone, 8 brothers and sisters.  Only one time we loaned money to one brother and he didn't pay it all back, so no more loans.  However, since then we have only seen him once this past January and he was looking really poorly.  After Covid started we sent monetary gifts to the 2 brothers and one sister who are on the poorer end of the scale, including him.  The other 5 are all doing well and in fact 3 of them probably have a lot more money than I do!

The one brother who is the poorest, seemingly by choice, never asks for a dime.  When the Covid issues started, my wife had to bug him for a week before he would agree to a gift.

On the other hand, there is a sister who is not really poor, but really rubs me the wrong way.  My wife worked really hard to clean out a lot of things and send her 2 big boxes of baby things for her granddaughter, and some clothes for her and miscellaneous other things.  Her response was to say "why can't you send it door to door so I don't have to pick it up at Victory Liner?"  and "why are there no toys?".  

 

[hk blues]

1 hour ago, GeoffH said:

Of course, I wouldn't loan again either.

But the real question is would I (or you) help that family member in an emergency if money was outstanding (and why or why not?).

 

I faced exactly that question more recently when the exact same uncle who loaned money and didn't repay it ended up needing emergency hospital care.

 

After some long talks between SWMBO and me we sent an amount that would help with but not pay the hospital bill.  As SWMBO said there are other family members too and we shouldn't have to pay the entire amount. 

I struggled with this question for a couple of days but I didn't want to create bad feelings between family members (or trouble for SWMBO) and eventually decided that to me it was worth at least some money to avoid that.

 

You might avoid this situation or just decide upon a blanket rule of once bitten twice shy (and I get that) but it can have other consequences in a place like the Philippines.

Of course you are right to point out that there can be exceptional circumstances that null and void any point of principle.  If they crop up then there's a decision to be made but then the ramifications can go beyond money.

It's easy for me to say because my wife's family have never asked to borrow - I'd hate to be in the position of having to say yes/no but I think my wife's good at setting expectations.