So tired of my wife's relatives.

[hk blues]

1 hour ago, Viking said:

I agree!

Before I could not say anything critical about my wifes family, or she would get mad at me and defend them. Now, she is the one critizing them, hahaha. It took a long time until she could see things in their true colours, but better late than never 

But this isn't a Filipino thing Viking - kick one of the family and they all bleed. 

I'm as critical as the next guy about stuff here, but if we acknowledge and praise the positive side of family values here we also have to accept some parts we don't like so much - it's not because we are foreigners we're expected to help, any family members with more than the others is expected to help regardless of being foreign or otherwise. 

It's vital we set expectations from Day 1 if we want to avoid the begging bowl requests - for me best not to throw our money around to make a good impression as it will come back to bite your ass later.

 

 

[Rich in CDO]

My wife is part of 15 siblings.  6 live in the US and 9 in PH. This comes up to a lot in our family.  When you throw in cousins, aunts, uncles and parents, it can be overwhelming.  My wife handles all requests, and she is very giving, but she knows how to handle all of the requests so cleverly.  She pays for funerals, it seems no one has anything set aside for that. We average a couple a year. She handles donations for medical procedures, but she always tracks progress and never lets it get carried away. She takes care of her parents. Guys, that's expected when you marry a Filipina.  That's the parents' Social Security.  They average $40 a month on SS over in PH.  I tell my wife, that there is a very generous "Charity Budget" and if she uses it up, then she needs to explain to the Catholic charity that she's low on funds.  The ATM is only open for so long.  Money you "loan" out is always a donation.  They say "loan" to make themselves feel better. I quit saying it's ok, you don't have to pay it back long ago.  I doesn't let them "save face" and that's important to a Filipino. When I'm in CDO, I have two wallets, one I pull out in front of all of the kids, they know I'm good for ice cream and soda's, and the other one for doing daily business.  Guys, we've been blessed to have good jobs in America and we have pensions and investment income to show for our hard work.  Just consider it a donation and remember that what goes around comes around and smiles are priceless.

[Balisidar]

2 hours ago, Rich in CDO said:

Guys, we've been blessed to have good jobs in America and we have pensions and investment income to show for our hard work.  Just consider it a donation and remember that what goes around comes around and smiles are priceless.

Some are more able than others to give.  Most of our "Donations" have been so that my wife's relatives can start or continue a business and then I consider the matters closed.  I've always followed the saying "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach a man to fish and you feed him for the rest of his life."

 I just don't like relatives who are lazy and don't want to help themselves.  To those my wife and I don't give a dime..or a damn.

[Viking]

8 hours ago, hk blues said:

But this isn't a Filipino thing Viking - kick one of the family and they all bleed. 

I have understood that family is everything in many countries. I guess it´s because family is the only place you can get help from if you need it. Since I live in a country with a very good (atleast it was good) social security system, I think that the importance of the family is not as big as it used to be because you don´t need to rely on your family in bad times. I believe strong familybonds is a good thing, but I would never ever defend someone doing an obvious wrong thing, no matter if he/she is family or not. My wife used to make up excuses for people stealing from her!!! That is hard for me to understand but she don´t do that anylonger  

I'm as critical as the next guy about stuff here, but if we acknowledge and praise the positive side of family values here we also have to accept some parts we don't like so much - it's not because we are foreigners we're expected to help, any family members with more than the others is expected to help regardless of being foreign or otherwise. 

I agree with most of that, what irritates me is that in our family it´s been expected that my wife take ALL the responsibility for needs that come up and I don´t think that is fair. She has not had a well paid job and she had to work hard for her money while some of her siblings had a very relaxed lifestyle. Everybody can do something to contribute and not just sit and wait for ate to take care of things or call her and say that tay need money to buy food. Well, it´s their dad too, is it not?    

It's vital we set expectations from Day 1 if we want to avoid the begging bowl requests - for me best not to throw our money around to make a good impression as it will come back to bite your ass later.

I agree completely! We will see how it will be going when we make our move since we will stay close to our family, atleast we will give it a try. If it dont work we will find another location, far away from them. Hopefully things will be ok and I must say that we dont have much problem with them now, it was a much bigger issue before. I will also be the one handling the money and they are not as willing to ask me for anything, time will tell how it goes 

 

 

 

[Viking]

2 hours ago, Rich in CDO said:

My wife is part of 15 siblings.  6 live in the US and 9 in PH. This comes up to a lot in our family.  When you throw in cousins, aunts, uncles and parents, it can be overwhelming.  My wife handles all requests, and she is very giving, but she knows how to handle all of the requests so cleverly.  She pays for funerals, it seems no one has anything set aside for that. We average a couple a year. She handles donations for medical procedures, but she always tracks progress and never lets it get carried away. She takes care of her parents. Guys, that's expected when you marry a Filipina.  That's the parents' Social Security.  They average $40 a month on SS over in PH.  I tell my wife, that there is a very generous "Charity Budget" and if she uses it up, then she needs to explain to the Catholic charity that she's low on funds.  The ATM is only open for so long.  Money you "loan" out is always a donation.  They say "loan" to make themselves feel better. I quit saying it's ok, you don't have to pay it back long ago.  I doesn't let them "save face" and that's important to a Filipino. When I'm in CDO, I have two wallets, one I pull out in front of all of the kids, they know I'm good for ice cream and soda's, and the other one for doing daily business.  Guys, we've been blessed to have good jobs in America and we have pensions and investment income to show for our hard work.  Just consider it a donation and remember that what goes around comes around and smiles are priceless.

Hello Rich, welcome to the forum 

You say that your wife pays for funerals and that she cares for your parents, I am just curious if she is the only one of the siblings doing that? Do she pay for it in full or do she just help with some of it? 

Not all foreigners are bless with good jobs, high salarys, pensions and investment incomes. Problem is a vast majority of the philippino people think so, and they don´t understand that many foreigners going on vacation to PH with their wifes had to work hard to save the money they need, to do such a trip.

You also say, what goes around comes around. I Philippines, I am afraid that is not always the case. I have seen on noumerous occasions that people dont show any gratitude at all for the help they have recieved, even complaining that they did´nt get more. Of course there is also many that is really thankfull and it´s much more satisfying to help them 

I think we should HELP those who deserve our help (not those who loose their money in cookfighting etc ) if we can afford it, but we should not accept that it is OUR responsibility to provide them with all their needs. People must learn to take responsibility for their own lifes. Thats how I feel about this.

 

[stevewool]

13 minutes ago, Viking said:

Hello Rich, welcome to the forum 

You say that your wife pays for funerals and that she cares for your parents, I am just curious if she is the only one of the siblings doing that? Do she pay for it in full or do she just help with some of it? 

Not all foreigners are bless with good jobs, high salarys, pensions and investment incomes. Problem is a vast majority of the philippino people think so, and they don´t understand that many foreigners going on vacation to PH with their wifes had to work hard to save the money they need, to do such a trip.

You also say, what goes around comes around. I Philippines, I am afraid that is not always the case. I have seen on noumerous occasions that people dont show any gratitude at all for the help they have recieved, even complaining that they did´nt get more. Of course there is also many that is really thankfull and it´s much more satisfying to help them 

I think we should HELP those who deserve our help (not those who loose their money in cookfighting etc ) if we can afford it, but we should not accept that it is OUR responsibility to provide them with all their needs. People must learn to take responsibility for their own lifes. Thats how I feel about this.

 

You are not alone in how you feel.

[stevewool]

The thing I have noticed in my extended family over there is how they waste money on the kids eduction, all the kids are in a different stage of college and what they are doing for the future works, but it’s not what the kids would have chosen but the parents did.

One families 3 children has changed there subject to others and so that means more expense and time , they have given up and worked in a store then have gone back to study something else, at this moment one of them is trying to be a airline pilot and the mother thinks it’s great , the other family well that’s another story .

[Viking]

17 minutes ago, stevewool said:

The thing I have noticed in my extended family over there is how they waste money on the kids eduction, all the kids are in a different stage of college and what they are doing for the future works, but it’s not what the kids would have chosen but the parents did.

One families 3 children has changed there subject to others and so that means more expense and time , they have given up and worked in a store then have gone back to study something else, at this moment one of them is trying to be a airline pilot and the mother thinks it’s great , the other family well that’s another story .

My wife sent money to the school fee for one of her nieces. It could be paid monthly or for the whole semester. If all semester was paid at once, there was a discount. My wife thought that was a good idea since she could then save some money. She sent the money needed to pay for the semester. At the end of the year the niece did´nt get her grades and we could not understand why, We later found out that the parents had just payed monthly and of course the money did not last until the end of the year, thats the reason why she could not get her grades 

[Rich in CDO]

3 hours ago, Viking said:

Hello Rich, welcome to the forum 

You say that your wife pays for funerals and that she cares for your parents, I am just curious if she is the only one of the siblings doing that? Do she pay for it in full or do she just help with some of it? 

Not all foreigners are bless with good jobs, high salarys, pensions and investment incomes. Problem is a vast majority of the philippino people think so, and they don´t understand that many foreigners going on vacation to PH with their wifes had to work hard to save the money they need, to do such a trip.

You also say, what goes around comes around. I Philippines, I am afraid that is not always the case. I have seen on noumerous occasions that people dont show any gratitude at all for the help they have recieved, even complaining that they did´nt get more. Of course there is also many that is really thankfull and it´s much more satisfying to help them 

I think we should HELP those who deserve our help (not those who loose their money in cookfighting etc ) if we can afford it, but we should not accept that it is OUR responsibility to provide them with all their needs. People must learn to take responsibility for their own lifes. Thats how I feel about this.

 

I agree, there can be gold diggers and I don't promote that. My wife tries to evaluate and give where it's really needed.  To answer your question, the 6 that are in the US contribute to the funerals and medical needs tend to contribute, but the other 9 in the Philippines give some too.  Yes, the PH contribution is usually a lot less, but we understand that they don't earn as much.  They all contribute and even a lot heavier than us per capita, when you figure that they are lucky to make $20k here in the U.S.  This family is very strong and close.  My wife is 54 and thus she's been thru the school of hard knocks of PH.  She came here when she was 45.  We definately don't provide for everyone's needs, but it's nice to know that you have family in both countries that you can count on.  I have Congestive Heart Failure and some other issues, and it's nice to know that when I need help later, that I'll be a part of some pretty giving Filipinos and Filipinas.  We shouldn't enable people to "mooch", but my point was that if you marry a Filipina, you marry the family.  If my 3 kids can get a free college, then my wife can help her family too.  Not all of us can do that, but to some degree, each of us are lucky to be from the U.S.

[Rich in CDO]

2 hours ago, Viking said:

My wife sent money to the school fee for one of her nieces. It could be paid monthly or for the whole semester. If all semester was paid at once, there was a discount. My wife thought that was a good idea since she could then save some money. She sent the money needed to pay for the semester. At the end of the year the niece did´nt get her grades and we could not understand why, We later found out that the parents had just payed monthly and of course the money did not last until the end of the year, thats the reason why she could not get her grades 

Sometimes, you've got to wonder why they put so much emphasis on education.  I know that some liberals would burn me at the stake, but I have to just shake my head when I see a mother and father who make under $30k in the US take the leap of faith to send all 3 of my nieces and nephews back to PH for a college education.  Don't they realize that PH doesn't have the same respect from US employers.  Keep your kids here, they went to school here in US, and let them have a chance.  Parents just want to be able to say that their kids went to college.  Take it from a Parent who fell into that trap.  My wife made me felt that the 3 kids were entitled to a college education.  After 5-6 years, which I paid full boat for 4 years, they each graduated and I still feel that I got taken to the cleaners.  They all have jobs that they could have had thru hard work.  I paid for my own college degree years ago, no help and it taught me the value.  Things were different 40 years ago.  A degree got your foot in the door.  Now, we have MBA's bagging groceries.  LOL.  Right after college, I was an Asst. Manager at Kroger and I bagged my fair share of groceries.  Today, your degree isn't worth what it once was.  But costs 5 times more.  Sorry about venting.  I'm just saying, spend wisely.  You may need some for yourself in retirement.