There is no need to talk to me like that

[stevewool]

17 minutes ago, Gary D said:

Yes remember you are a foreigner and not blood. He may be a waster but the whole family will gang up on you if you say the wrong thing.

Two ways at looking at this , as long as I know I am not blood what’s the difference he’s still lazy , if I am asked for a so called loan I say no , they choose when they would like to involve me in a conversation, I am use to this now after these few months of living there lives , it’s funny I was asking Ems about where is the sisters and nieces since New Year , it seems my saying something about cleaning up there own mess and not Emma cleaning it had some effect.

Like I have said I have learnt the hard way yes lost a bit of money here and there but I can stand up for myself  but I will not tolerate there behaviour on how they treat there sister my wife and that’s when I do have to say something

[stevewool]

Keeping busy helps me  to tolerate things that are out of your control , painting and improving things it may be a complete was of time but at the moment I am enjoying it.

The other thing that helps is putting it all down on here so others who can relate to this can advise, now whether I take that advice is another matter.

[hk blues]

4 hours ago, stevewool said:

Keeping busy helps me  to tolerate things that are out of your control , painting and improving things it may be a complete was of time but at the moment I am enjoying it.

The other thing that helps is putting it all down on here so others who can relate to this can advise, now whether I take that advice is another matter.

We're all old enough and ugly enough to stand up for ourselves Steve.  It's great to use this board to vent and get ideas, but as you can see there is a wide spectrum of ways we deal with things - from building an invisible wall between us and our family/friends/neighbours to bowing to the family demands.  I'm in the middle(ish) - if it isn't doing me any harm then I'll go with the flow, if it is I'll dig my heels in.  You need to decide which way works for not just you, but for your partner as well - it's her family and she may have some sympathy with their views.  

[Gary D]

10 minutes ago, hk blues said:

We're all old enough and ugly enough to stand up for ourselves Steve.  It's great to use this board to vent and get ideas, but as you can see there is a wide spectrum of ways we deal with things - from building an invisible wall between us and our family/friends/neighbours to bowing to the family demands.  I'm in the middle(ish) - if it isn't doing me any harm then I'll go with the flow, if it is I'll dig my heels in.  You need to decide which way works for not just you, but for your partner as well - it's her family and she may have some sympathy with their views.  

Yes, you don't want to find out the hard way which side the wife is on. Just don't always assume it's yours.

[stevewool]

52 minutes ago, Gary D said:

Yes, you don't want to find out the hard way which side the wife is on. Just don't always assume it's yours.

I don’t assume anything when it comes to family’s and we all have that choice to make if it every came to it. I love my wife and I know she loves me , I am not asking her to chose me over them but I have put my point across that I am not here to feed and support them for the rest of my life and if it did come to the choice I would walk away , hard for some to say , maybe easy for others to do , 

[Jack Peterson]

34 minutes ago, stevewool said:

I am not here to feed and support them for the rest of my life

 Well Steve, now, I tend to think that you may Understand what we have all said at some time, Given your tales of Woe at times regards the Sister and Money Borrowing etc now the lazy Brother ( and all the families have at least one if not more) the statement I sometimes make is raising it's head " You don't just marry the Girl, you marry the Family" Oh I know there will be a couple that say it don't happen to me BUT Steve, it does! behind closed Doors, just that most of us have come to terms with it and it is all so still new to you 

[gery0x]

52 minutes ago, stevewool said:

I am not here to feed and support them for the rest of my life

*imho* that's something that should be made clear from the very beginning of the relationship - it doesn't necessarily mean to be greedy or kuripot, but it's an important ground rule.

It doesn't necessarily mean that there will be no support for the family either, because:

13 minutes ago, Jack Peterson said:

" You don't just marry the Girl, you marry the Family"

That's correct!

 

I laid down the above ground rule from the beginning, but I still support the family once in a while.

For example when my mother in law gets sick, I will pay for her hospital bills or medicince unaskedly. In my point of view that's a sign of respect to the family because, well, at the end of the day it is a fact that I can afford it and they don't.

A very different topic though is "borrowing" money for some monkey-s**t ideas they sometimes have.

I usually do that once and make it clear that before it isn't fully paid back they don't even need to bother asking me again - works like a charm, reverse psychology

 

[Eddie1]

8 hours ago, stevewool said:

The other thing that helps is putting it all down on here so others who can relate to this can advise, now whether I take that advice is another matter.

Whether you take on-board the advice or not Steve, I don't know.  What I do know however is that for several years you have been writing various versions of the same old problems that you are having to deal with be it in the UK or actually here in the Phils.  My concern is you, where do you get to have the unbroken quality time that you so richly deserve?  We are similar age you and I, same origins (UK) and did almost 30 years grind day in and day out for one company.  Although the forum is a welcome escape for you in which you can let off steam etc, it really shouldn't be that way, you come here for a longish holiday and get good spells followed by bad spells, always caused by her family.  What about next year and the year after etc, you will always be coming back to a stressful situation, same old bullsh1t but just a year later. How will it change?  I fear in your situation you will never get to experience what a wonderful way of life it is here for us retired foreigners, this is a great country with great people and awesome opportunities to live the dream, I am confident to say this because I am living that life now, it's what I expected and more.  The difference between us?,  location and family/friends.   I am 7 hours or so from my partner's family and I am blessed to have made so many friends here, many through this very forum.  I fear that if you don't find it within yourself to move from your wife's family you will never see the Philippines as most of us ever so lucky expats do.   

Edited January 23, 2020 by Eddie1

[hk blues]

1 hour ago, Jack Peterson said:

 Well Steve, now, I tend to think that you may Understand what we have all said at some time, Given your tales of Woe at times regards the Sister and Money Borrowing etc now the lazy Brother ( and all the families have at least one if not more) the statement I sometimes make is raising it's head " You don't just marry the Girl, you marry the Family" Oh I know there will be a couple that say it don't happen to me BUT Steve, it does! behind closed Doors, just that most of us have come to terms with it and it is all so still new to you 

Too True! We're all a bit guilty of thinking/pretending/believing our situation is not the norm BUT that is often because our partner is more clever at playing us than others! 

[Gary D]

There's all sorts of ways family get supported through the backdoor so to speak. There is often cooking going on and family coming and going. You get fed but there never seems to be any leftovers etc. shopping oh I get this for so and so, and on it goes.