relationship boundaries

[MarkDSM]

I've read a lot about all the relationship horror stories that have come up in the expat communities and I'm at a loss to why this is an issue. 

FW Filipina Woman
FM Filipino Man

My story: In the next few years I'm going to retire early and want to go back to the Philippines. Growing up my mother married a FM in the U.S. Navy. So got to spend time down in Olongapo and have some familiarity with the culture and how I was raised by him. I remember my step father and I were approached many times by friends about marrying their daughter to me. It was blunt and honest. My step father told me straight up, they want a better life, you can provide that for them when you're old enough, they'll in return, give you whatever you desire and if you balance it right a Filipino wife can be the most loyal creature on Earth. Last time i saw him was in 93 after they divorced. 

Seems a lot has changed, Filipino women carrying on two or three relationships at a time or somehow having enough time on their hands to trade up. But how is this possible? Filipino women (that i knew) would love to stay home, take care of the house and children and spending as much time as possible with their husbands so they don't get urge to take up a mistress (or decides being with the mistress full time was more desirable). That financial stability was everything to a Filipino woman especially when they have kids. 

Things i see that are complete 180s. 

She wants to go back up the mountain and spend time with the family - if you're in a real relationship with a Filipino woman (FW) , you are now part of that family for better or worse. There shouldn't be any excuse she needs to go see her family alone without you. That should be a major red flag to anyone she's considering to be her future husband. Besides, they marry their daughters off to get rid of them (various reasons)  not have them hanging out around the house for weeks at a time. 

"Girls night out" There is no such thing. At least in an innocent way. Major no no for FW. Same as the husband/boyfriend saying "Honey, i'm going out with the guys, We're going to the brothel, don't worry I'm just there for the beer". You should expect Mutually Assured Destruction just for suggesting it. No FM or FW would entertain that idea. 

FW having that much time on their hands or gone from the home for long periods of time. It shouldn't happen. FW find things to do around the home. My step dad's family had 3 females in it. mother. 2 daughters. they were always busy around the house. Always. Even with maids, they kept themselves busy. Sewing, cleaning, they would go out of their way to cook things that took all day. There was a method to their madness for cookouts all the time, invite people over, women would do their thing and the men their own but it was always in groups of friends and family. NOT ALONE. The sisters had an excuse to go out but usually they stuck to schedules the family knew and knew when they were leaving and coming home. The only time the sisters would spontaneously jump up and leave for any reason was when the younger of the sisters was infatuated with a guy and they hit a passion phase, that actually caused issues in the family because it disrupted her responsibilities around the house. 

I guess one thing that seems to add fuel to the fire is their addiction to cellphones and the internet. Allows them to do a lot of these things with ease. But even here in the west, if you have a relationship that spends a lot of time on their phones that' should be a huge red flag. Especially if there a huge amount of privacy involved. My soon to be ex knew everything including my accounts, passwords, phone pins and the existence of my pornhub account. 

The whole idea were you hand over major money to FW for various reasons, if a Filipino woman has anything financially going on that you don't know about: "Houston we have a problem". If it's family, that's between you and them, she's an intermediary and the details should be discussed between you and them not handed off to the wife and not accounted for. 

I guess I'm wondering, has the Philippines changed so much that even these ideals are stone age concepts? I really do wish to know more about what to expect there coming back. I hope to find a little Filipina to spend some time with and maybe pop out a few more demon spawns before i move on. 

[hk blues]

That's a lot!

Obviously, we each have different experiences and move in different circles in different places so it's maybe impossible to generalise - behaviour that's totally 'normal' in central Manila may not be up in the mountains. 

I can only speak for what I see around me, but I have only heard of 1 situation of a Filipino fooling around in our community - I'm pretty sure that's not the only case but... So, I don't think it's commonplace enough to assume it will happen to you. Again, this will depend on many things.

As for trips home alone - honestly speaking there are a variety of reasons why a wife may wish to visit her family without her foreign husband - the chance to liase with a boyfriend is one but hardly the likeliest. As for girl's night out - it's a thing and I'd be very surprised if most men have suspicion about them.

I'm very surprised you see people spending a lot of time online as being a Red Flag - have you taken a look around you recently - people are almost permanenty attached to them. They're not all having affairs!

No disrespect, but maybe as you suggest these ideas are a little outdated - the world has moved on from the days of Emily Pankhurst and the Philippines has joined the ride.

There are plenty of types of women here as anywhere, and you can find one who fits your ideal - good luck!

Edited August 29, 2020 by hk blues

[MarkDSM]

1 hour ago, hk blues said:

I'm very surprised you see people spending a lot of time online as being a Red Flag - have you taken a look around you recently - people are almost permanenty attached to them. They're not all having affairs!

 Started a thought, then rephrased it then edited it poorly. The whole idea is on their phone a lot and using whatever means to keep it private. 

[Jack Peterson]

10 minutes ago, MarkDSM said:

The whole idea is on their phone a lot and using whatever means to keep it private. 

Not all together sure where you are coming from or Going to but  to the Forum but I have to say, that it seems many of us on board have much more up to date living experience here than you seem to, all people like their own space and a bit of Privacy or how else would order or arrange surprises for our SO's, maybe my friend a little more Boots on the Ground  is needed and not so much listening to old Hands version of Life as it may have been but as it is now, Now that is where we can Help. Most of us here have done our  own Egg Sucking  Whatever, Best of Luck but come with an open mind  

[hk blues]

2 hours ago, MarkDSM said:

 Started a thought, then rephrased it then edited it poorly. The whole idea is on their phone a lot and using whatever means to keep it private. 

Understood. If someone is going to extreme measures  keep things private it's certainly a red flag but...Filipinos can be kinda strange about some things.

Edited August 29, 2020 by hk blues

[Freebie]

Be very careful of a Filipina who spends a lot of time with what she tells you is her male cousin. They may , and often are a lot closer than that.

[hk blues]

4 minutes ago, Freebie said:

Be very careful of a Filipina who spends a lot of time with what she tells you is her male cousin. They may , and often are a lot closer than that.

Surely most of us have been around the block enough times to know when we are being played? Or at least we should.

[Yeochief]

Mark, Sounds like you were in the Philippines about 40 years ago.  No cell phones back then.  Look around the world and see all that has changed over that 40 years.  Adapt and be flexible.  I remember going back to the States after spending 4 plus years in Japan.  Called a young lady and her son answer the phone and she was not home.  I said can I leave my number the the kid said no we have caller ID, what the hell is caller ID back in 1998.  Gotta love change.

[GeoffH]

5 hours ago, MarkDSM said:

She wants to go back up the mountain and spend time with the family - if you're in a real relationship with a Filipino woman (FW) , you are now part of that family for better or worse. There shouldn't be any excuse she needs to go see her family alone without you.

"Girls night out" There is no such thing. At least in an innocent way. Major no no for FW. Same as the husband/boyfriend saying "Honey, i'm going out with the guys, We're going to the brothel, don't worry I'm just there for the beer". You should expect Mutually Assured Destruction just for suggesting it. No FM or FW would entertain that idea. 

FW having that much time on their hands or gone from the home for long periods of time. It shouldn't happen.

 

I don't agree with those ones (well not for me anyway), so in the order that I've quoted them; 

I've been to where the family live in Ozamiz (don't mind going there) and I've been to where other family live down south of Cebu and way inland from Oslob in the mountains.  If I go (and I've been) then we fly not take the ferry so it's three times the cost, then we hire a car not take the bus (so 4 times the cost), then we drive up to the closest village and leave the car.  Then we walk for about an hour (at my pace) or 45 minutes at SWMBO pace along a dirt single track up and down steep hills until we get to a small group of a few houses (which isn't really even a village).  There is one sari sari (which belongs to the relative) and no shops.  When the family go they stay overnight and sleep on the bamboo floor of the main room.  When I go SWMBO doesn't want me sleeping on the floor so we walk back.  The last couple of times I just stayed back in Oslob and some of the family came to visit me there while SWMBO made the treck up the mountain on the back of a motorbike.

 

SWMBO has two close friends, they've been friends for years.  I know both of them and they visit when they can.  About twice a year the three of them get together for a girls night out.  The first time I and one boyfriend also came, we drank some beer and the girls sang Kareoke and drank fizzy alcohol drinks.   The second time I was the only guy there and I was bored.  So now I don't go (I could if I wanted to go but I don't).

I'm not sure what you call a long period away from the time.  SWMBO was working when I met her but she's gone back to university for further study so she's away most of the day and studying some of the evening.  That's just how uni works, you attend and you study or you fail *shrug*.  I'm an adult, she doesn't need to be 'right there' all the time.  It's not 1950 anymore.

 

[MarkDSM]

20 minutes ago, GeoffH said:

SWMBO has two close friends, they've been friends for years.  I know both of them and they visit when they can.  About twice a year the three of them get together for a girls night out.  The first time I and one boyfriend also came, we drank some beer and the girls sang Kareoke and drank fizzy alcohol drinks.   The second time I was the only guy there and I was bored.  So now I don't go (I could if I wanted to go but I don't).

That's not exactly 'girls night out'. At least the way it's used in my circles. Basically, you're not invited and you have to accept that. 

Boy, did didn't find one 'up in the mountains'. You find one up in the mountains, down a ravine, and on the side of a cliff.