Wife Having An Affair

[Mark B]

Well looking for some advice here, have been married for 14 years now, got married in Cebu PH, moved to  Guam in 2014 then to the US in 2021. Got my wife a car, found her a job when we moved her 3 years ago.  I bought her some land in Bohol  while we were in Guam and she has been building a house on it with help from me.   I was going to take a loan out to finish the interior of our house about 20K  this December and take a summer trip there in 2025.   Well in June I found out she was having an affair .  When I confronted her she confessed to it, I told her I wanted to leave and she begged me not to, saying she can fix it and she choses me over him.  What the heck… I told her not to see him again and she agreed.  But she is seeing him and I found out its a co-worker at work.  She also said you going to divorce me just over this?  I have been mad at her since the end of June when I found out about this.  We have a 11 year old son together and her daughter from a relationship prior to meeting her in the PH.  I have seen a lawyer, have thought about moving out of our house and taking my son with me.  I’m 72 and wife is 39.  Her BF is younger than me and if I’m correct a Filipino.  I do not love her anymore, I helped her family out etc., I’m leaning towards a divorce.  I just did not think this would happen to me being married to a Filipino, what a heart break for me.  I was divorced back in1984 so I know how it affects children.  Our kids and her parents and brothers and sisters do not know of this, her parents are moving into the house now to work on it and to stay there which was the plan.  I don’t want to hurt her parents etc., or our kids but I cannot live with her and really do not even want to touch her let alone having sex with her.  So please tell me out thoughts…

[Tommy T.]

I am sorry to read your sad story. You are asking for thoughts. I would suggest, respectfully, that you don't waste more good feelings or money on your wife....

And don't look back.

Edited October 10 by Tommy T.

[BrettGC]

A path well travelled by many unfortunately, and not just with Filipinas.  When my first wife (Australian) cheated on me while I was deployed, we tried to work it out but in the end I couldn't bring myself to trust her again which of course led to conflict, which had a negative impact on our kids. Our kids were 9, 7 and 2 at the time.  As much as it hurt me, I moved out about 6 months after I found out about the infidelity.  We had a shared custody agreement of a week about when I wasn't away with the navy (the kids are all in their early 30's/late 20's now) and the ex never did anything to interfere with my relationship with the kids and I reciprocated.  Yes, it was initially disruptive for them, but kids are pretty resilient for the most part and other than the usual growing pains, they had a happy childhood.  

This is just my experience and not advice. 

[scott h]

No divorce (yet anyway) as I am sure you know. The question is if you split with her are you remaining in the PI or heading back to the states.

[Lee]

Sorry to hear of your situation. Its a pretty common ex-pat story.

Leaving and taking your children with you wouldn't be unreasonable but I would guess that their are legalities involved in doing so. Your ex could use your kids as a bargaining chip to extract money out of you since her gravy train might be drying up soon.

11 hours ago, Mark B said:

Our kids and her parents and brothers and sisters do not know of this,

Don't be so sure of this.

When our niece was plotting behind our back, skipping/failing college, and eventually getting pregnant----almost every family member--young and old alike--knew what was going on for over a year. NONE of them had the guts to tell us so we could have at least stopped it before she got pregnant.

Perhaps you can reflect back and see warning signs that something was amiss. We have reflected back and found several but at the time we were too trusting of the niece to pay any attention. She lived with us for almost 8 years and we were raising her like our own child.

Edited October 10 by Lee

[hk blues]

Without trying to be flippant and downplay your situation, the phrase 'Fool me once, shame on you, Fool me twice, shame on me' springs to mind.

I'd move on but it's easy for me to say that as I have nothing invested in the situation.

[Tommy T.]

32 minutes ago, Lee said:

When our niece was plotting behind our back, skipping/failing college, and eventually getting pregnant----almost every family member--young and old alike--knew what was going on for over a year. NONE of them had the guts to tell us so we could have at least stopped it before she got pregnant.

Perhaps you can reflect back and see warning signs that something was amiss. We have reflected back and found several but at the time we were too trusting of the niece to pay any attention. She lived with us for almost 8 years and we were raising her like our own child.

Those are sound thoughts. However, you cannot go back but must move forward. As before, I suggest you consider not adding good to bad...

[Lee]

57 minutes ago, Tommy T. said:

Those are sound thoughts. However, you cannot go back but must move forward.

Certainly move forward but it doesn't hurt to reflect  back and perhaps learn something about the circumstances that led to your current problem.

[BrettGC]

7 hours ago, scott h said:

No divorce (yet anyway) as I am sure you know. The question is if you split with her are you remaining in the PI or heading back to the states.

Just to clarify, the OP stated that they are currently living in the US and his wife has a job so she has her green card if she's working legally... Unless she has permission from USCIS to work while waiting for it which opens up an entirely new can of worms. 

 

Edited October 10 by BrettGC

[Possum]

12 minutes ago, BrettGC said:

Just to clarify, the OP stated that they are currently living in the US and his wife has a job so she has her green card if she's working legally... Unless she has permission from USCIS to work while waiting for it which opens up an entirely new can of worms. 

 

I knew a guy whose green card holding wife was really unfaithful and when confronted she attacked him so he called police.  After she was convicted her green card was cancelled and she got a free ride back to her country of origin. Domestic violence is a visa cancelling offense. Sad...a lot of guys missed her.