How Do You Deal With It When Your Filipino Family Asks For Money?

[Mr Lee]

How do you deal with it when your Filipino family asks for money?I think we all have different ways of dealing with the requests and maybe some people who are going to get into relationships with Filipina's can learn how to handle their new families requests from the start instead of having to learn the hard way, as many of us have had to learn.Anyway care to share their ideas and thoughts?And any good ideas on how to make our new families self sufficient?

[johnrxx99]

The main thing I have learnt is not to get involved with a lady who's family is clearly in distress and/or is very large.That may sound cruel but pairing has always had the two families mutual prospects to the foreground.Therefore, assuming one is not entering into a total mismatch, everyone has to understand from the start what the rules will be.In the West, well the UK, it is not usual for families to lend to each other. Parents to sibblings so they can make a start but brothers to sisters and visa versa is unusual because it mostly always ends in problems. As it can do with friends. The reason is people know each other well. A rich member of the family will be assumed not to need the money back so breach of trust seems high on the agenda. Better just to give if you think deserving or if you lend, write it off immediately. The worst is always the inlaws family and in the UK I never did it. My wife did to her brother and it was blown by his wife and she never got a penny back notwithstanding the promises.With that background these are my rules. I will never lend to anyone outside the immediate family, ie mom, dad and sibblings. If I lend within the family it must be essential for maintenace of working, ie motor cycle repair and repaid before any other requests are considered.If there is a problem with a childs health in the extended family I will give a contribution. If it is within the family I will pay for it. Health and the cost of medication is the biggest headache families face in the RP. I give my SO an allowance and it is up to her how she spends it - I know she give half to her mom. In that way day to day pressure is reduced it seems. Also if we upgrade things the old one goes back home.Hope that gives some insight. Start as you mean to go on.

[James]

asking for money hmmm in my experience its rare that they ask, but when they do its for serious reasons.My wife comes froma very close family, they have a compund and there are various houses there. One of her close relatives had a mother who was very ill, they were struggling with the payments to the hospital and he would not ask me for any help. I had to stop him and ask why he would not ask for help. He told me I gave to much to the family and he could not ask. Well I gave him a loan of the whole fee for the hosiptal so he could stop worrying and he was then able to sleep well again and work properly. His mother however died and he had even more bills from the funeral. I gave him half the cost of that as well and thought no more about it. Families after all are a bottomless pit into which our only positive input is money. However a few months later he came to see me and handed me the money he had saved. He was so pleased to pay the debt and we shook hands on having allowed me to be a family member and do my part in their time of need. One twist I gave him back the money as a gift to help his family get back on their feet. These are real genuine people and would always help me if I needed it. I have met others from the outer family who ask for money for various business ideas. One crazy idea they worked out was if I bought them a van, paid the electric bill etc they could run a baking business, I asked them for a costing per cake and profit margin per cake, a proposed plan for advertising etc and a profit share. It was laughable that they expeted me to pay out and not to see any profit. My intention by the way was not to make money but to be able to guide the business so they could all make some cash, a wise investment would have been good. It was not to be their own greed made them give up and ask another member of the outer family.James

[Mr Lee]

John, yup picking the lady carefully and being careful about her family is very wise, :7_4_17[1]: yet we are not all that lucky and many will fall in love with a lady who is from a poor family and issues may arise later on and not be evident at the time of meeting them. I guess a great idea might be to marry a lady who is an orphan but then she may lack the family values that so many desire in Filipina's.James, sounds like your family is great and all should be so lucky, but I believe that your family may be the exception and not the rule. Glad it is working out for you. :7_4_17[1]: Keep em coming guys because many may learn from you all and they will have happier lives if they do. :13_4_10[1]:

[Mr Lee]

I would like to add here to my op.I have to say from my personal experience, that the only down side that I have found to marrying a Filipina can be a double edged sword......... Family is often everything to a Filipina because that is how they are often brought up and that is one of the reasons that we often find them to be such great mates, but on the other side it often makes them feel responsible to support their families, so if your wife, future wife or gf comes from a large or even small needy family, then that could present a problem for the marriage or relationship if you do not work out the details of what is expected of your lady and therefore of you, up front.Working out the guidelines up front can mean the difference between a happy relationship and one that causes you both a lot of grief....... IMO both refusing to give and giving too much can be wrong and finding a good balance is the best way to do things...... And one thing to always keep in mind if you are much older than your lady is, that she will quite possibly out live you and then what happens to her if you and she alienate her family.Now, you may ask why IMO can giving too much be wrong, and the answer is that it sets the pace for others who end up in your situation and makes it harder on them and harder for you later on in your relationship if you can no longer keep up that pace of giving.Next you might ask why IMO not giving can be wrong, and I feel it might be because it may make our mates unhappy inside and therefore it could end up hurting our relationships.So first, what is reasonable and what is not....... If your lady was working before you got together, and earning her own money, and giving her family some or most of that money, and now you want her by your side and to not work, would it not then be reasonable for her to at least give the same amount to her family that she was giving to them before you two hooked up....... And if she was not giving anything to her family before, would it also not be reasonable for her to not be expected to give anything except in emergencies to her family...... After all her family managed before you came along and why should your relationship with your lady make that any different....... And then what constitutes and emergency and how would one be confirmed?Some of the things I listed would be important things to work out before IMO, and not after you decide to lock in your relationship.I would like to see some others list some other items that might need to be worked out ahead of time because I am sure I had to miss some?

[chimellie]

I am lucky my inlaw never asked me for anything although they are poor, I send them balikbayan boxes once every 2 years. I love her family as if they were mine, I hang out with her brothers when I visit Cebu, we go places and doing everything together like brothers. Every month I send each family some cash to buy food, but not too much to spoil them, my wife always tell them money is not growing on trees, we have to work hard for it so they should appreciate what we give them and they do.

[Mr Lee]

Chi, you are also lucky :thumbsup: and I think there are many degrees of poor in the Philippines, :as-if: and from what I could see when we visited your family, they are not very poor and that is no doubt because you and Mellie have been helping them and because they are industrious on their own and seem to be able to help themselves as well.My wife's brothers and sister rarely if ever ask us for money and then only in emergencies, and I have no problem helping them in those situations, but on the other hand, the younger generation of nieces and nephews seem to think that money does grow on trees because she is married to an American, :why-me: and they do not hesitate to ask us for money. :1 (103): I guess I am lucky in many ways and slightly unlucky because my wife is one of many, so there are so many nieces and nephews, and because my wife is the second youngest of the brothers and sisters, many of the children already have children of their own, :7_4_17[1]: and in my view, they are mostly very poor compared to many I have seen who also think that they are also poor. :13_4_10[1]: I guess I am very lucky that my wife handles her family and I do not really have to get involved much nowadays. :7_4_17[1]:

Edited November 3, 2008 by Mr. Lee

[paul]

I have been fortunate, like Chi, in that my former girlfriend's families have never asked me for anything.In fact, as I have stated openly on forums before, Vivian's family has never asked me for anything. However, they have done a lot for me, over time - probably more than I have done for them. Incidentally, they have very little.

[wallyperrier]

my girlfriend never asked me money, her family never asked me money, so, until now, i did not have to deal with thisfuture will see if it stay like this, others i will tell them that they can work for it

[Hoz]

It's been said b4. In the Philippines you marry the girl, you marry the family. Mr Lee has a most balanced solution. At least replace what your girl would be sending to her family had you not taken her away. Anything else would be on a case by case basis. But Lolo and Lola can only die once!Luckily, I don't have this problem, in fact it's usually the other way around!