Kano Money Is Always Your Money!

[TheMason]

good response Tom.. although one thing i do use with the "you don't understand the culture" is that they are right.. its not my culture and its not upto me to support others out of demand.. working for a living is my culture.. work ethics.. responsibility.. etc. etc.. and that is how i operate myself.. just wish others would do the same not just foreigners like us but also the OFW's

When my wife and I argue about cultural differences like this my response to her is along the lines of 'I'm not the only one that married a foreigner, we need to compromise.' So far, its worked and we haven't had major problems. I've accepted that we'll help the family more than if the decision was 100% mine and she has accepted that we'll help the family less than if the decision was 100% hers. So far we haven't really had any major problems, but I think I'm fortunate in that her family does not make demands. They make requests, and they are infrequent requests at that. We recently gave about 12k pesos to her cousin to help pay medical expenses for a premature delivery of their baby. They never asked us for money, but we looked at the situation and decided we had to help them get the medical care the mother and child needed. The last time we helped before that was over a year ago and again, it was to help pay for critical medical care for a child. That case was also to help pay for medical care for a child.

[FlyAway]

My wife graduated from the University of Southern Mindanao with a BS degree in Diet & Nutrition back in the 1993. After graduation she took a domestic help job in Hong Kong. When she was in Hong Kong she also took classes for care giver certification. She came to the U.S. to be with me in December 2006. None of her educational background was acceptable for employment in those perspective fields. So she enrolled in a Medical Assistant certificate course here. This was the most tense educational experience she ever had! She considered the 12 month course work to be very demanding compared to the Philippine standards.My wife worked very hard to complete the course and was immediately hired after the internship. Now that she had a good paying job the phone calls kept coming. Many times it was at 2 or 3am. She eventually had a mini nervous break down and quit her job.The phone calls for money requests have nearly stopped since she now tells them she has no job hence no money to send. I cannot understand how people could act in such a callous manner. My culture says get a job, earn money and pay for it yourself.

[Singers]

My wife graduated from the University of Southern Mindanao with a BS degree in Diet & Nutrition back in the 1993. After graduation she took a domestic help job in Hong Kong. When she was in Hong Kong she also took classes for care giver certification. She came to the U.S. to be with me in December 2006. None of her educational background was acceptable for employment in those perspective fields. So she enrolled in a Medical Assistant certificate course here. This was the most tense educational experience she ever had! She considered the 12 month course work to be very demanding compared to the Philippine standards.My wife worked very hard to complete the course and was immediately hired after the internship. Now that she had a good paying job the phone calls kept coming. Many times it was at 2 or 3am. She eventually had a mini nervous break down and quit her job.The phone calls for money requests have nearly stopped since she now tells them she has no job hence no money to send. I cannot understand how people could act in such a callous manner. My culture says get a job, earn money and pay for it yourself.

Hi Eric,If it were a member of my family asking in such a demanding way as to cause stress and "mini nervous breakdown" they would have been the one to suffer my wrath. Not a pretty experience. :th_thbarbaque: BUT in PI I would err on the cautious path... A friend, a retired USAF pilot, told me his wife's brother threatened to kill him if his wife did not get money to "bale out" his gambling debts.... I last saw him in PI two days after the family found out and approached him to pay the brother's Debt as his need was "Desperate". ???He left Leyte the next day ( without paying "a Cent") and flew to HK to apply for a 'Nam visa for his wife. They live there now. She is afraid to go home to PI.He had thought "the family" would tell the Br-in-Law to back off. :wasntme: Beggars belief! AND so many such tales can not all be untrue?.UK Tom Edited March 17, 2010 by Singers

[FlyAway]

My wife graduated from the University of Southern Mindanao with a BS degree in Diet & Nutrition back in the 1993. After graduation she took a domestic help job in Hong Kong. When she was in Hong Kong she also took classes for care giver certification. She came to the U.S. to be with me in December 2006. None of her educational background was acceptable for employment in those perspective fields. So she enrolled in a Medical Assistant certificate course here. This was the most tense educational experience she ever had! She considered the 12 month course work to be very demanding compared to the Philippine standards.My wife worked very hard to complete the course and was immediately hired after the internship. Now that she had a good paying job the phone calls kept coming. Many times it was at 2 or 3am. She eventually had a mini nervous break down and quit her job.The phone calls for money requests have nearly stopped since she now tells them she has no job hence no money to send. I cannot understand how people could act in such a callous manner. My culture says get a job, earn money and pay for it yourself.

Hi Eric,If it were a member of my family asking in such a demanding way as to cause stress and "mini nervous breakdown" they would have been the one to suffer my wrath. Not a pretty experience. :th_thbarbaque: BUT in PI I would err on the cautious path... A friend, a retired USAF pilot, told me his wife's brother threatened to kill him if his wife did not get money to "bale out" his gambling debts.... I last saw him in PI two days after the family found out and approached him to pay the brother's Debt as his need was "Desperate". ???He left Leyte the next day ( without paying "a Cent") and flew to HK to apply for a 'Nam visa for his wife. They live there now. She is afraid to go home to PI.He had thought "the family" would tell the Br-in-Law to back off. :wasntme: Beggars belief! AND so many such tales can not all be untrue?.UK Tom

As time goes on I am getting more and more leery about wanting to live there. We had all these plans and now these last few months have dropped it all down the drain. Recently, I get the feeling I am more of an ATM machine to be protected rather than a member of the family. One of the uncles recently ran into legal problems. So now money is needed to make the charges "Go away".Yikes! What have I got myself into?

[Mr Lee]

As time goes on I am getting more and more leery about wanting to live there. We had all these plans and now these last few months have dropped it all down the drain. Recently, I get the feeling I am more of an ATM machine to be protected rather than a member of the family. One of the uncles recently ran into legal problems. So now money is needed to make the charges "Go away".Yikes! What have I got myself into?

Eric, hopefully you have gotten yourself into an otherwise great marriage and the family issue can be solved if you take the correct steps and your wife can also work if she just does not tell her family she is working or tells them that there is just enough money for you two to survive. Once I retired for the final time, I told my wife to tell her family that we were no longer working and that we no longer had money to give away and now just had enough money for us to live. We also shut our phone off at night. After a few phone calls in our daytime asking for money and my wife refusing to give the money because there was no extra because I had to borrow from my retirement account to do some of the things we have now done and will slowly replace it once I get my social security this year, the frivolous money request stopped. I should also add that when someone asked for money for so called medical emergencies, we asked for the doctor or hospitals name and phone number and those calls then stopped as well. We do help in real medical issue situations and we do at times supply food via a trusted niece when things get very bad such as no rain for no farming, but we no longer get calls asking for money even when we are living in the Philippines part of the year. Another major suggestion I have for you is to move far away from family as we have done, and move either into a gated community where someone has to have permission ahead of time to visit you, or move into a condo where no one can come up without your permission. We do not get any family dropping in on us since we live in a condo and condos are intimidating to many Filipinos because of the security, height and the elevators, so problem has been solved for us and the higher up you move, the less family will even think of visiting you, IMO.Eric, do not let your future be ruined by your extended family, we did not and we are very happy with our current life.

[Singers]

My wife graduated from the University of Southern Mindanao with a BS degree in Diet & Nutrition back in the 1993. After graduation she took a domestic help job in Hong Kong. When she was in Hong Kong she also took classes for care giver certification. She came to the U.S. to be with me in December 2006. None of her educational background was acceptable for employment in those perspective fields. So she enrolled in a Medical Assistant certificate course here. This was the most tense educational experience she ever had! She considered the 12 month course work to be very demanding compared to the Philippine standards.My wife worked very hard to complete the course and was immediately hired after the internship. Now that she had a good paying job the phone calls kept coming. Many times it was at 2 or 3am. She eventually had a mini nervous break down and quit her job.The phone calls for money requests have nearly stopped since she now tells them she has no job hence no money to send. I cannot understand how people could act in such a callous manner. My culture says get a job, earn money and pay for it yourself.

Hi Eric,If it were a member of my family asking in such a demanding way as to cause stress and "mini nervous breakdown" they would have been the one to suffer my wrath. Not a pretty experience. :th_thbarbaque: BUT in PI I would err on the cautious path... A friend, a retired USAF pilot, told me his wife's brother threatened to kill him if his wife did not get money to "bale out" his gambling debts.... I last saw him in PI two days after the family found out and approached him to pay the brother's Debt as his need was "Desperate". ???He left Leyte the next day ( without paying "a Cent") and flew to HK to apply for a 'Nam visa for his wife. They live there now. She is afraid to go home to PI.He had thought "the family" would tell the Br-in-Law to back off. :wasntme: Beggars belief! AND so many such tales can not all be untrue?.UK Tom

As time goes on I am getting more and more leery about wanting to live there. We had all these plans and now these last few months have dropped it all down the drain. Recently, I get the feeling I am more of an ATM machine to be protected rather than a member of the family. One of the uncles recently ran into legal problems. So now money is needed to make the charges "Go away".Yikes! What have I got myself into?

Hi Eric,You have Mr Lee's input (wisdom) above. My "bottom line" is -- Cristina IS the best thing to happen in my life."One can choose one's friends BUT not one's Family and Neighbours"Find a "work around" that suits you and your wife. I would not let the reality, you now see following the "honeymoon" dreams & plans you had, harm your Marriage. The dreams were yours, you and your wife's, so they can be coaxed back to fruition by the two of you and IMO that will make your relationship stronger."Them & US" thinking may be what is now needed?Kind regards,Tom & Tex Edited March 18, 2010 by Singers

[FlyAway]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. We have turned off the phones at night now. As for her working, we are in the process of acquiring a small soft serve yogurt shop here in the California. She is going to work it and not mention we have it. Who knows, in a few years we might just pack up the machines and open up a shop somewhere North of Mindanao.

[tropicalwaste]

I haven't had any major issues with relatives and the recent events have all slotted into place as people have started to pull their weight and everything is not only on track but moving faster than expected. The big problem I found is finding what people are good at to exploit the situation for everyones benefit. I operate things as a co-op everyone has part ownership of something and I have 50% of everything as the silent investor and mentor. How it will hold up in the future time will tell as I have looked at phasing things over a 5 year and 10 year goal list. Currently we are at the phase one of 5 which is obviously year one:-Apartments 1a + 1b constructed and rented. (1a almost complete and tenant moving in next month).Internet Cafe (already open).Sari-Sari (shelves up and hole ready to be cut for the hatch will be open within next 5 days).Finance business (operational 1 1/2yrs already).Income around P80,000+ per month.As things progress everyone benefits.. if a TV breaks they get a new one from the joint funds. A motorcycle is paid out of the funds as well as now a YaYa`s salary, Laundry/ironing woman and all household expenses + salaries and medical expenses when required. The projected amount will keep increasing by at least 5% per month and hopefully if I can achieve the sari-sari the 2nd apartment wont be far behind as incomes from all the businesses will pay for its construction. Next year we will continue to develop more apartments before looking to purchase another lot which has in place 5 1 x bed apartments needing totally revamping which suits me as I will take them all up so that each has an upstairs aswell. but it can only work if you can get people to understand a work ethic and that everything benefits everyone.. Won't work for many peoples situations due to gambling and drinking habits and the fact many people are too lazy to see the big picture. In any of those cases I wouldn't give a single peso.. If people say its "culture" you can say "I left the UK because of the lazy people who just collect payments from welfare every week which is paid from my taxes. That's also a reason why I can't afford to pay for you!"

[Mr Lee]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. We have turned off the phones at night now. As for her working, we are in the process of acquiring a small soft serve yogurt shop here in the California. She is going to work it and not mention we have it. Who knows, in a few years we might just pack up the machines and open up a shop somewhere North of Mindanao.

Good move Eric, there are many of us who have made it work after having to fine tune the family and our wives to our retirement situation. One way to make it work is to give your wife a set amount of money per month, sort of an emergency family fund and then let her spend it anyway she wishes to, be it giving it to her family for emergencies, saving it for future emergencies or spending it on herself and tell her you do not wish to hear about what she does with it or if there is not enough money for emergencies beyond that money, that way you are now out of the picture and you will no longer have to deal with the issue in any way.Either way, do not give up the future plans for your happiness and there have been times that we have not told anyone in the family but one trusted niece that we were even in the Philippines. We each deal with things in different ways.

[tropicalwaste]

Like Mr.Lee said above.. the important factor is making people aware that your no easy touch.. they can give it "its Philippines culture" but just remind them your not a Filipino! they will try to blackmail your partner but things like switching off the phone and being difficult to access will get rid of a lot of those problems.. main thing is don't let people bully you into things open the tap its very difficult to stop without getting constant grief..