Merging Cultures

[softail]

We have heard time and again on this forum how things are so wonderful in our marriages with our Filipina wives but I can’t help but believe that we have all faced challenges merging cultures with our new wives. Our backgrounds and habits related to culture are so different it can’t help but clash. The question is, what problems have you encountered and how did you deal with them?In my marriage I think our biggest difference was in how we view and deal with money. My wife was raised in a very humble family, not much money in the house so she really didn’t have any money in her pocket to manage. She like many Filipino people were brought up with the idea that if you had a dollar today you spent it and tomorrow will take care of itself. My background was completely different, my parents always had a budget and planned for tomorrow. As you can see this set up a conflict and there was definitely a period of adjustment when it came to how we handled the household budget. For perhaps the first year of our marriage I hated going to the mall because it was always the same, lets buy this, lets buy that and I think that she probably got tired of me always saying "how do you want to handle that"? Something had to give. It was like a kid in a candy store. For me the solution was spending many a evening at the dinning room table with the bills all laid out. Together we paid the bills, budgeted for groceries, gas and all those things and I showed her how much was left over. I also had her get a job and learn to budget her own money, showed her how to balance her checkbook, save money to a savings account. Basically I put her threw "Personal Finance 101" and she has passed with flying colors. That was our rough spot, Sally was a great and eager student and now she is she is as tight with a buck as anyone I have ever seen. Sally has turned out to be the best wife I ever could have dreamed of, it just took a little time and patience. I truly couldn’t have found a better wife.Doug

[Steve]

For Donna and I, she's the one that can save money really well. She's surprised me a few times when we needed money and she had it put away for a rainy day. I would say that our sense of humor is our biggest difference. I have more of a sarcastic type while she tries to be funny, it comes across being serious and then I get upset but it always works out for the best.

[Jake]

We have heard time and again on this forum how things are so wonderful in our marriages with our Filipina wives but I can’t help but believe that we have all faced challenges merging cultures with our new wives. Our backgrounds and habits related to culture are so different it can’t help but clash. The question is, what problems have you encountered and how did you deal with them?In my marriage I think our biggest difference was in how we view and deal with money. My wife was raised in a very humble family, not much money in the house so she really didn’t have any money in her pocket to manage. She like many Filipino people were brought up with the idea that if you had a dollar today you spent it and tomorrow will take care of itself. My background was completely different, my parents always had a budget and planned for tomorrow. As you can see this set up a conflict and there was definitely a period of adjustment when it came to how we handled the household budget. For perhaps the first year of our marriage I hated going to the mall because it was always the same, lets buy this, lets buy that and I think that she probably got tired of me always saying "how do you want to handle that"? Something had to give. It was like a kid in a candy store. For me the solution was spending many a evening at the dinning room table with the bills all laid out. Together we paid the bills, budgeted for groceries, gas and all those things and I showed her how much was left over. I also had her get a job and learn to budget her own money, showed her how to balance her checkbook, save money to a savings account. Basically I put her threw "Personal Finance 101" and she has passed with flying colors. That was our rough spot, Sally was a great and eager student and now she is she is as tight with a buck as anyone I have ever seen. Sally has turned out to be the best wife I ever could have dreamed of, it just took a little time and patience. I truly couldn’t have found a better wife.Doug

Excellent post starter Doug! Laying out all the upcoming bills for both of you to study and plan the monthly budgetis simply a basic lesson in home economics. Judy and I had similar budget problems when we first started out. Although some of the unnecessary purchases were attributed to my own selfish needs. It was a good thing I had a calculator that works with negative numbers.It's all good now -- we both learned our lessons.Regarding Steve and Donna -- I don't know Steve, but my humor often times did not get across to her, especiallywhen I lace it with some sarcasm. But when Judy gets together with my mother cooking something good in the kitchen, I could hear them trading dirty jokes in Tagalog. Judy tries to translate back into English but somehowit loses its punch line. Nasty girls.......Respectfully -- Jake

[Inspector]

My sense of humor is extreme, New York style, and extreme for even that type...sarcastic to the maximum. There is no way any filipino can get it....take of instance my habit of putting my western groceries into another shopping cart of a few older pinays, joking, and telling them they really need to buy that for me. Then after their annoyance and taking it out, with a smile from me ... I follow them in the store making kissing sounds while telling them I would be waiting for them outside in "the" van. Oh, wait...that was the time I was arrested in America...yes, the college twins. I never hurt them....actually, well...one was a little hurt, but the pain ended quickly. As far as money, and the cultures...I don't worry about money, because I crap it out of my arse...and when Julz does not understand the budget, I create money, by eating more fiber. The more fiber I eat, the more crap.... and more shopping we can do. I am not an ATM, automatic teller machine, in the sense the family thinks of me... and all the foreigners, but an automatic diarrhea dispenser...a ADD. When I fart, they start to ADD. It's a really simple process. I fart, they sniff...and ADD to the cart. I am sure, as all foreigners know, we crap cash...but you won't know this mutant power until you come here, and then it all becomes ALL so clear that you are actually the superhero known as, the Pooperine. Cape not suggested.Other merging cultures items, from hers to mine?1- The microwave and her wanting to know how it works....hell if I know, but I do know not to put a cat in there, unless it scratched you. Wrap it in tin foil if it drew blood. 2- All foreigners are not good, rich or able to use a microwave. 3- When you get sick, doctors should help you even if you have no money, and bill you later. If they don't, call the Pooperine. 4- When your tooth hurts, do not pull it. Having only three and a half teeth left might allow for cost savings on brushing, but a nestles loses the crunch when you need to gum it. 5- Tipping is still acceptable even in the Philippines....despite some kuripot foreigners telling you different. These are the same ones who suggest young beautiful pinays love old old old men because they are more mature, whiter, better looking, less likely to stray, or any other fantasy that suggest they love them for anything more then their superpowers on the toilet. If you are happy with the service, weather it is a cab with very cold air con and safe direct driving, or a smiling waitress that gives you extra attention...these are the hard working filipino people that are trying to survive by NOT begging, stealing or taking advantage of your lovely white skin. Take care of them, and while you are at it...take that leftover and give it to the kid sleeping on the sidewalk.

Edited September 25, 2010 by Inspector

[Jollygoodfellow]

My sense of humor is extreme, New York style, and extreme for even that type...sarcastic to the maximum. There is no way any filipino can get it....take of instance my habit of putting my western groceries into another shopping cart of a few older pinays, joking, and telling them they really need to buy that for me. Then after their annoyance and taking it out, with a smile from me ... I follow them in the store making kissing sounds while telling them I would be waiting for them outside in "the" van. Oh, wait...that was the time I was arrested in America...yes, the college twins. I never hurt them....actually, well...one was a little hurt, but the pain ended quickly. As far as money, and the cultures...I don't worry about money, because I crap it out of my arse...and when Julz does not understand the budget, I create money, by eating more fiber. The more fiber I eat, the more crap.... and more shopping we can do. I am not an ATM, automatic teller machine, in the sense the family thinks of me... and all the foreigners, but an automatic diarrhea dispenser...a ADD. When I fart, they start to ADD. It's a really simple process. I fart, they sniff...and ADD to the cart. I am sure, as all foreigners know, we crap cash...but you won't know this mutant power until you come here, and then it all becomes ALL so clear that you are actually the superhero known as, the Pooperine. Cape not suggested.Other merging cultures items, from hers to mine?1- The microwave and her wanting to know how it works....hell if I know, but I do know not to put a cat in there, unless it scratched you. Wrap it in tin foil if it drew blood. 2- All foreigners are not good, rich or able to use a microwave. 3- When you get sick, doctors should help you even if you have no money, and bill you later. If they don't, call the Pooperine. 4- When your tooth hurts, do not pull it. Having only three and a half teeth left might allow for cost savings on brushing, but a nestles loses the crunch when you need to gum it. 5- Tipping is still acceptable even in the Philippines....despite some kuripot foreigners telling you different. These are the same ones who suggest young beautiful pinays love old old old men because they are more mature, whiter, better looking, less likely to stray, or any other fantasy that suggest they love them for anything more then their superpowers on the toilet. If you are happy with the service, weather it is a cab with very cold air con and safe direct driving, or a smiling waitress that gives you extra attention...these are the hard working filipino people that are trying to survive by NOT begging, stealing or taking advantage of your lovely white skin. Take care of them, and while you are at it...take that leftover and give it to the kid sleeping on the sidewalk.

Me thinks your point about tipping is an American culture not Philippines,we don't tip in Australia so why would I be expected to be tipping just because you think your culture does the same world wide???Before you say anything,yes I tip while in the Philippines because the culture of tipping is now expected because it was introduced to them by the rich foreigners you suggest crap money out their bum. :th_thsmilies-29057:

[Inspector]

My sense of humor is extreme, New York style, and extreme for even that type...sarcastic to the maximum. There is no way any filipino can get it....take of instance my habit of putting my western groceries into another shopping cart of a few older pinays, joking, and telling them they really need to buy that for me. Then after their annoyance and taking it out, with a smile from me ... I follow them in the store making kissing sounds while telling them I would be waiting for them outside in "the" van. Oh, wait...that was the time I was arrested in America...yes, the college twins. I never hurt them....actually, well...one was a little hurt, but the pain ended quickly. As far as money, and the cultures...I don't worry about money, because I crap it out of my arse...and when Julz does not understand the budget, I create money, by eating more fiber. The more fiber I eat, the more crap.... and more shopping we can do. I am not an ATM, automatic teller machine, in the sense the family thinks of me... and all the foreigners, but an automatic diarrhea dispenser...a ADD. When I fart, they start to ADD. It's a really simple process. I fart, they sniff...and ADD to the cart. I am sure, as all foreigners know, we crap cash...but you won't know this mutant power until you come here, and then it all becomes ALL so clear that you are actually the superhero known as, the Pooperine. Cape not suggested.Other merging cultures items, from hers to mine?1- The microwave and her wanting to know how it works....hell if I know, but I do know not to put a cat in there, unless it scratched you. Wrap it in tin foil if it drew blood. 2- All foreigners are not good, rich or able to use a microwave. 3- When you get sick, doctors should help you even if you have no money, and bill you later. If they don't, call the Pooperine. 4- When your tooth hurts, do not pull it. Having only three and a half teeth left might allow for cost savings on brushing, but a nestles loses the crunch when you need to gum it. 5- Tipping is still acceptable even in the Philippines....despite some kuripot foreigners telling you different. These are the same ones who suggest young beautiful pinays love old old old men because they are more mature, whiter, better looking, less likely to stray, or any other fantasy that suggest they love them for anything more then their superpowers on the toilet. If you are happy with the service, weather it is a cab with very cold air con and safe direct driving, or a smiling waitress that gives you extra attention...these are the hard working filipino people that are trying to survive by NOT begging, stealing or taking advantage of your lovely white skin. Take care of them, and while you are at it...take that leftover and give it to the kid sleeping on the sidewalk.

Me thinks your point about tipping is an American culture not Philippines,we don't tip in Australia so why would I be expected to be tipping just because you think your culture does the same world wide???Before you say anything,yes I tip while in the Philippines because the culture of tipping is now expected because it was introduced to them by the rich foreigners you suggest crap money out their bum. :th_thsmilies-29057:

I am not sure tipping is a "culture" in as it a economic need in America. Servers (waiters/waitresses) live on the tip. It is set up that way....20% the norm, and they are one of the few (only?) jobs that are allowed to be paid below the standard minimum wage. If they relied on their salary, they would be homeless. So, I am not sure "rich" foreigners (americans) set this up...as even the not so rich ones do such when they are eating out or traveling...even traveling to other parts of the world. Yep...if we are in the caribbean on a vacation, we tip. If an aussie is in the caribbean, they don't? So, when I get a little extra service because I tipped...say the fluffier pillow, I win, as you sleep with your head flat on the bed. Better room? Better service? All for a few pesos on a night out? Hey...you might want to keep doing as the Americans do...and throw a bone out there once in a while. It's especially easy in the Philippines. ...where a 20 peso note on a 400 peso meal might make your next trip to that location more enjoyable. I'm still trying to figure out who thought up this pinays love older, fatter and whiter guys, because they are sexier, faithful, wealthy and more mature? Huh?Well...the white I can see as it is a obsession here....but old as Moses and a danger to chairs? Since when does a pinay turn in disgust at a movie when Brad Pitt takes his shirt off..."he's so muscular and in shape...he must be poor...disgusting...ewww, look away!"...while getting a tingle down under when John Candy is mud wrestling in a movie called Stripes?

The next thing I'll here is complaints young in shape good looking guys are ruining it for the rest of us.

[ekimswish]

Didn't get a chance to read through all the posts yet, but where Softail first posed the question about differences, communication was the first thing that popped into my head. Then I read his post and agreed 100% with the money thing. They're not used to budgeting, and they have no idea how western people spend (borrow). Communication can be a problem with the language, even when your wife is fluent, since just a slang used differently can cause problems. I can't remember the exact story now, but I used a slang once which I thought meant "hang out" with a girl, and she interpreted as I "screwed" the girl. We had a big fight before realizing it was a misunderstanding. The second, and more common, way communication is a problem is that Filipinos like to leave lots of room for vagueness, where Westerners want it straight, to the point. My wife and I have had so many frustrating arguments which could've been avoided had she told me everything at once, rather than bit by bit, in no particular order. Now, she's experiencing the same problem dealing with people back home who aren't telling her everything, or aren't being clear, and I can't help but laugh, thinking it's a taste of her own medicine, and hoping she'll sympathize with me a little more and start being more direct. Not to pick on her, I've got my own short-comings. We've both come a long way though, and I feel we're on the right path.

[Jollygoodfellow]

My sense of humor is extreme, New York style, and extreme for even that type...sarcastic to the maximum. There is no way any filipino can get it....take of instance my habit of putting my western groceries into another shopping cart of a few older pinays, joking, and telling them they really need to buy that for me. Then after their annoyance and taking it out, with a smile from me ... I follow them in the store making kissing sounds while telling them I would be waiting for them outside in "the" van. Oh, wait...that was the time I was arrested in America...yes, the college twins. I never hurt them....actually, well...one was a little hurt, but the pain ended quickly. As far as money, and the cultures...I don't worry about money, because I crap it out of my arse...and when Julz does not understand the budget, I create money, by eating more fiber. The more fiber I eat, the more crap.... and more shopping we can do. I am not an ATM, automatic teller machine, in the sense the family thinks of me... and all the foreigners, but an automatic diarrhea dispenser...a ADD. When I fart, they start to ADD. It's a really simple process. I fart, they sniff...and ADD to the cart. I am sure, as all foreigners know, we crap cash...but you won't know this mutant power until you come here, and then it all becomes ALL so clear that you are actually the superhero known as, the Pooperine. Cape not suggested.Other merging cultures items, from hers to mine?1- The microwave and her wanting to know how it works....hell if I know, but I do know not to put a cat in there, unless it scratched you. Wrap it in tin foil if it drew blood. 2- All foreigners are not good, rich or able to use a microwave. 3- When you get sick, doctors should help you even if you have no money, and bill you later. If they don't, call the Pooperine. 4- When your tooth hurts, do not pull it. Having only three and a half teeth left might allow for cost savings on brushing, but a nestles loses the crunch when you need to gum it. 5- Tipping is still acceptable even in the Philippines....despite some kuripot foreigners telling you different. These are the same ones who suggest young beautiful pinays love old old old men because they are more mature, whiter, better looking, less likely to stray, or any other fantasy that suggest they love them for anything more then their superpowers on the toilet. If you are happy with the service, weather it is a cab with very cold air con and safe direct driving, or a smiling waitress that gives you extra attention...these are the hard working filipino people that are trying to survive by NOT begging, stealing or taking advantage of your lovely white skin. Take care of them, and while you are at it...take that leftover and give it to the kid sleeping on the sidewalk.

Me thinks your point about tipping is an American culture not Philippines,we don't tip in Australia so why would I be expected to be tipping just because you think your culture does the same world wide???Before you say anything,yes I tip while in the Philippines because the culture of tipping is now expected because it was introduced to them by the rich foreigners you suggest crap money out their bum. :)

I am not sure tipping is a "culture" in as it a economic need in America. Servers (waiters/waitresses) live on the tip. It is set up that way....20% the norm, and they are one of the few (only?) jobs that are allowed to be paid below the standard minimum wage. If they relied on their salary, they would be homeless. So, I am not sure "rich" foreigners (americans) set this up...as even the not so rich ones do such when they are eating out or traveling...even traveling to other parts of the world. Yep...if we are in the caribbean on a vacation, we tip. If an aussie is in the caribbean, they don't? So, when I get a little extra service because I tipped...say the fluffier pillow, I win, as you sleep with your head flat on the bed. Better room? Better service? All for a few pesos on a night out? Hey...you might want to keep doing as the Americans do...and throw a bone out there once in a while. It's especially easy in the Philippines. ...where a 20 peso note on a 400 peso meal might make your next trip to that location more enjoyable. I'm still trying to figure out who thought up this pinays love older, fatter and whiter guys, because they are sexier, faithful, wealthy and more mature? Huh?Well...the white I can see as it is a obsession here....but old as Moses and a danger to chairs? Since when does a pinay turn in disgust at a movie when Brad Pitt takes his shirt off..."he's so muscular and in shape...he must be poor...disgusting...ewww, look away!"...while getting a tingle down under when John Candy is mud wrestling in a movie called Stripes?

The next thing I'll here is complaints young in shape good looking guys are ruining it for the rest of us.

So here you are placing your ways on me and the Philippines,I don't believe that in the Philippines the wages are set like Americas such as low pay and gain on tips.Lets think about this for a minute,the Filipino gets a set pay or a taxi has a meter to confirm the fare,that's the way it is just like I have an hourly rate. So its not an economic need in the Philippines.Do you open the cockpit door when exiting the plane to give the pilot a big tip,no because he is doing what he is paid to do.And please read my post again,I said I do tip in the Philippines because its now expected if your a westerner due to the fact that its been introduced as the norm.

[Mr Lee]

I am not sure tipping is a "culture" in as it a economic need in America. Servers (waiters/waitresses) live on the tip. It is set up that way....20% the norm, and they are one of the few (only?) jobs that are allowed to be paid below the standard minimum wage. If they relied on their salary, they would be homeless. So, I am not sure "rich" foreigners (americans) set this up...as even the not so rich ones do such when they are eating out or traveling...even traveling to other parts of the world. Yep...if we are in the caribbean on a vacation, we tip. If an aussie is in the caribbean, they don't? So, when I get a little extra service because I tipped...say the fluffier pillow, I win, as you sleep with your head flat on the bed. Better room? Better service? All for a few pesos on a night out? Hey...you might want to keep doing as the Americans do...and throw a bone out there once in a while. It's especially easy in the Philippines. ...where a 20 peso note on a 400 peso meal might make your next trip to that location more enjoyable. I'm still trying to figure out who thought up this pinays love older, fatter and whiter guys, because they are sexier, faithful, wealthy and more mature? Huh?Well...the white I can see as it is a obsession here....but old as Moses and a danger to chairs? Since when does a pinay turn in disgust at a movie when Brad Pitt takes his shirt off..."he's so muscular and in shape...he must be poor...disgusting...ewww, look away!"...while getting a tingle down under when John Candy is mud wrestling in a movie called Stripes?

The next thing I'll here is complaints young in shape good looking guys are ruining it for the rest of us.

While watching that video I kept thinking the guy on the left looked a lot like a younger George W Bush with a blond wig on.  :)  OK back on topic, I found that my wife is much more frugal than I am, and I think it had to do with her working in CDO for 6 years before marrying me, so she found out the good old fashioned way just how hard it was to earn a peso. Now with that said, she did not understand how expensive it is to live in the US until she got to the US and had to watch me pay the bills while teaching her to do it, just in case I would be unable to do so at one point or another. I believe every man married to a Filipina and living in another country, has an obligation to show them exactly how fast the money we earn disappears into envelopes or nowadays on the Internet. Now let me say that I did draw up a cost sheet to show her and her family before marriage as to just how fast the money disappears in the US, but they and she could not understand it because they did not have cable TV, a car, insurances, a home phone, a water heater or in most cases running water, garbage pickup, credit cards, mortgages and on and on, so while they looked and listened, not a one of them could relate to the costs, not even my wife until she got to the states.Now what cultural differences I found the hardest was her pronunciation of many English words, and how English words taught in the Philippines often have different meanings than what they mean in the US, or different words are used differently.  We overcame most of that by me spelling words to her and her spelling words to me and with a dictionary. Now before I get yelled at by someone from another country where another form of English is spoken, I am just talking about how the language barrier goes above and beyond for myself and my wife and not saying US English is the only correct English. There are many cultural differences and both partners need to be patient and understanding with each other because of the many cultural differences, or the marriage is bound to fail or at the very least suffer. One must remember that every wound takes time to heal and continual wounds on the same spot only fester and never end up healing, so a person had better be patient when marrying outside their own culture or they might just end up being one of the guys on forums who say Filipinas are all bad.

[Inspector]

So here you are placing your ways on me and the Philippines,I don't believe that in the Philippines the wages are set like Americas such as low pay and gain on tips.Lets think about this for a minute,the Filipino gets a set pay or a taxi has a meter to confirm the fare,that's the way it is just like I have an hourly rate. So its not an economic need in the Philippines.Do you open the cockpit door when exiting the plane to give the pilot a big tip,no because he is doing what he is paid to do.And please read my post again,I said I do tip in the Philippines because its now expected if your a westerner due to the fact that its been introduced as the norm.

In what ways I am I "placing" my ways in comparison to anything else that is "placed"? Most every foreigner places "their ways" when they arrive here, and attracts a pinay. What "way" is that Tom?Certainly not the filipino way. While you figure that out, I will just suggest that there is a thread about tipping, and being American...I on occasion tip, for reasons Mr. Lee suggested in the tipping thread.