The Filipinas Driive To Support Her Family

[Mr Lee]

Hello everyone! I found this forum and joined just days before my permanent return to Cebu and I'm finally getting around to an introduction here. I have been a member of another similar well known forum for a couple of years. I joined here also in an effort to network with more expats and help others in any way possible.Last year at this time, I came to Cebu for a 5 month trial run to test myself and the environment because after a previous visit to Phils, I thought I might really want to live here full time. I quickly had my concerns answered, so I returned to the US to cut some strings and tie up some loose ends. Now I am back to stay.I had a few surpirses when I returned. Prior to leaving for the 7 months, I met a Filipina that I loved and cared for very much. She agreed to stay in my rented home and keep things until I returned. About 3 months later, she totally shocked me with a decision to go work abroad in Dubai. She claims to still have feelings for me and will return "with her own money to take care of me". I'm not quite sure what to think of it all or what to truly believe.I had to have the house locked and boarded up for the remaining months. With all of the dust and humidity here, an enormous amount of dirt and mold accumulated in the house. After 2 weeks of struggling to get a decent maid who I could trust to do some cleaning, the house is finally getting back to normal. I'm still looking for a part-time maid to work 3 or 4 days per week, so if any of you guys know of a good one in the Lapu Lapu area, let me know.

Welcome to the forum! :541: and helping others is what we are all about here, so you will fit right in and we hope you stick around. :541:Next of all I am sorry to hear about what happened with your gf. Unfortunately your story seems similar to many others I have heard or read over time, where the guy left and when he returned he found his lady married to another foreigner, so while that is not the exact thing that has happened to you, I have found over the years that the first one to make permanent plans usually ends up with the lady, sad but often true and we would like to hear more about what you think went wrong, maybe in the culture or Filipina section.  Also, I do not know of any good maids but maybe another member might have a maid for you or a connection to find a good one. Good luck, good maids are often hard to find. Edited December 1, 2010 by Mr. Lee
I split this topic from adventureguy's introduction

[Jake]

Welcome Adventureguy,Thank you for sharing your experience and in spite of your predicament, you have a strong will of adventure to consider permanent residence.As Lee stated, there have been several expats fall into the same scenario about love gained and then lost. The problems may be similar but each have their own unique solution or in some cases, finally gave up. We hope to learn from your experience and will appreciate it greatly.Thank you sir -- Jake

[adventureguy]

Welcome Adventureguy,Thank you for sharing your experience and in spite of your predicament, you have a strong will of adventure to consider permanent residence.As Lee stated, there have been several expats fall into the same scenario about love gained and then lost. The problems may be similar but each have their own unique solution or in some cases, finally gave up. We hope to learn from your experience and will appreciate it greatly.Thank you sir -- Jake

Thanks Jake. Just as I finished that post, she came online, so we were able to talk about things. It appears that she did not communicate well to me her needs while i was gone. She had never asked me for much and was receiving support from a OFW brother, but he returned while I was gone and cut off her allowance. She was shy to tell me and did not want to be looked at as the typical filipina looking for a rich foreigner. Her pride got in the way a little and she decided to go abroad for work since she could make more money there. She wants to be able to return with enough money so she can have some kind of business of her own, so that she will not be dependent on me. She estimated that she will remain there for about a year. She did not go on a contract and borrowed money to go, so there is a debt to be repayed when she returns.The family of course is very proud of her now that she is sending home some support for them. At this time she is considering if the money is more important than our relationship and I am considering whether to bail her out of the situation to have her back sooner. Part of me wants to do it, but part of me also wants to make her learn the value and consequences of the decisions she has made. Hmmm...I think I will take a look around for a month or so before I make my final decision.

[Dave Hounddriver]

Thanks Jake. Just as I finished that post, she came online, so we were able to talk about things. It appears that she did not communicate well to me her needs while i was gone. She had never asked me for much and was receiving support from a OFW brother, but he returned while I was gone and cut off her allowance. She was shy to tell me and did not want to be looked at as the typical filipina looking for a rich foreigner. Her pride got in the way a little and she decided to go abroad for work since she could make more money there. She wants to be able to return with enough money so she can have some kind of business of her own, so that she will not be dependent on me. She estimated that she will remain there for about a year. She did not go on a contract and borrowed money to go, so there is a debt to be repayed when she returns.The family of course is very proud of her now that she is sending home some support for them. At this time she is considering if the money is more important than our relationship and I am considering whether to bail her out of the situation to have her back sooner. Part of me wants to do it, but part of me also wants to make her learn the value and consequences of the decisions she has made. Hmmm...I think I will take a look around for a month or so before I make my final decision.

The prevailing cultural attitude among many filipinos (m/f) I have met is to do whatever they feel like doing because they seem to find it easier to ask forgiveness later than to seek permission or agreement in advance. It has taken me a lot of time and patience to convince my wife that I do not accept that attitude.Your gf has let you down once and she is really great at putting a good 'spin' on it. How many times will you allow that to happen?

[adventureguy]

Thanks Jake. Just as I finished that post, she came online, so we were able to talk about things. It appears that she did not communicate well to me her needs while i was gone. She had never asked me for much and was receiving support from a OFW brother, but he returned while I was gone and cut off her allowance. She was shy to tell me and did not want to be looked at as the typical filipina looking for a rich foreigner. Her pride got in the way a little and she decided to go abroad for work since she could make more money there. She wants to be able to return with enough money so she can have some kind of business of her own, so that she will not be dependent on me. She estimated that she will remain there for about a year. She did not go on a contract and borrowed money to go, so there is a debt to be repayed when she returns.The family of course is very proud of her now that she is sending home some support for them. At this time she is considering if the money is more important than our relationship and I am considering whether to bail her out of the situation to have her back sooner. Part of me wants to do it, but part of me also wants to make her learn the value and consequences of the decisions she has made. Hmmm...I think I will take a look around for a month or so before I make my final decision.

The prevailing cultural attitude among many filipinos (m/f) I have met is to do whatever they feel like doing because they seem to find it easier to ask forgiveness later than to seek permission or agreement in advance. It has taken me a lot of time and patience to convince my wife that I do not accept that attitude.Your gf has let you down once and she is really great at putting a good 'spin' on it. How many times will you allow that to happen?

Yes, the prevailing cultural attitude seems to follow the Catholic principles (sin first, then ask for forgiveness later). She did consult me about it all at the time, but led me to believe that she would make much more money than she is making and it was supposed to be for only a few short months. I did not know she would create a huge debt to go. The bottom line is that there has been poor communication on her part and that is the main reason for the turn of events. How many times will I allow it to happen?...more than once is too many for me.

[Jake]

Thanks Jake. Just as I finished that post, she came online, so we were able to talk about things. It appears that she did not communicate well to me her needs while i was gone. She had never asked me for much and was receiving support from a OFW brother, but he returned while I was gone and cut off her allowance. She was shy to tell me and did not want to be looked at as the typical filipina looking for a rich foreigner. Her pride got in the way a little and she decided to go abroad for work since she could make more money there. She wants to be able to return with enough money so she can have some kind of business of her own, so that she will not be dependent on me. She estimated that she will remain there for about a year. She did not go on a contract and borrowed money to go, so there is a debt to be repayed when she returns.The family of course is very proud of her now that she is sending home some support for them. At this time she is considering if the money is more important than our relationship and I am considering whether to bail her out of the situation to have her back sooner. Part of me wants to do it, but part of me also wants to make her learn the value and consequences of the decisions she has made. Hmmm...I think I will take a look around for a month or so before I make my final decision.

The prevailing cultural attitude among many filipinos (m/f) I have met is to do whatever they feel like doing because they seem to find it easier to ask forgiveness later than to seek permission or agreement in advance. It has taken me a lot of time and patience to convince my wife that I do not accept that attitude.Your gf has let you down once and she is really great at putting a good 'spin' on it. How many times will you allow that to happen?

Yes, the prevailing cultural attitude seems to follow the Catholic principles (sin first, then ask for forgiveness later). She did consult me about it all at the time, but led me to believe that she would make much more money than she is making and it was supposed to be for only a few short months. I did not know she would create a huge debt to go. The bottom line is that there has been poor communication on her part and that is the main reason for the turn of events. How many times will I allow it to happen?...more than once is too many for me.

Boy, you guys are really speaking from experience. Being a Filipino, I have found that most are very shy or embarrassed to ask, to confront or to discuss important matters like dealing with the heart or even the monthly budget. As Lee stated in his previous posts: Filipinos in general live for today and not worry or plan for tomorrow. Being taught western values, I would rather take care of the problem now before it snow balls. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure.Speaking of Catholic principles -- many Filipinas also worship Mother Mary (even more so than Jesus) and what she stands for. And thereforepractice humbleness through suffering. It is a virtue for them to suffer. Under the Spanish influence of more than 300 years, it became the culture of the angry and silent majority. Even though they are victims of obvious physical and mental abuse within the family, they suffer insilence.For the new and veteran expats, it will take time and a lot of patience to really empathize with their inner most problems. I am very fortunateto have a wife that takes a more affirmative approach. She takes no chit from me. For the past 25 years, it has been an emotional roller coaster with a couple of derailments along the way. She is an angel of love and patience. Any other woman would have dumped me a long time ago.Have a nice day gentlemen -- Jake

[softail]

Thanks for sharing AdventureguyI had a similar experience with the first Filippina that I was involved with. I met her in the US, fell head over heals in love with her. Six months later she was being asked to leave the country for bigamy, lets just say that I was crushed. A few months later I made my first trip to the RP to visit her, I fell in love with the country as well as the girl and me made plans. I would retire in a couple of years and she would get her annulment taken care of, in the mean time I would send money to help support her. She kept stalling on the annulment and wouldn’t cooperate with anything, nothing was getting done to lay the groundwork for our future. Then the requests for large sums of money started comeing, the money train stopped with a $6000 dollar request for getting the annulment started. She then took a job in Saudi Arabia in a hospital, a country that I couldn’t even legally walk down the street with her. I learned my lesson with her, there were no more absentee girlfriends in exotic countries 7000 miles away, if she wasn’t by my side then it wasn’t going to happen. It was my fault, I fell head over heals in love and ignored all the red flags that were posted everywhere, like who misses a giant red flag called "bigamy".If misery loves company Adventureguy then you should feel very comforted, you have a lot of company. These forums are full of love gone bad stories. Doug and Sally

[adventureguy]

Thanks for sharing AdventureguyI had a similar experience with the first Filippina that I was involved with. I met her in the US, fell head over heals in love with her. Six months later she was being asked to leave the country for bigamy, lets just say that I was crushed. A few months later I made my first trip to the RP to visit her, I fell in love with the country as well as the girl and me made plans. I would retire in a couple of years and she would get her annulment taken care of, in the mean time I would send money to help support her. She kept stalling on the annulment and wouldn’t cooperate with anything, nothing was getting done to lay the groundwork for our future. Then the requests for large sums of money started comeing, the money train stopped with a $6000 dollar request for getting the annulment started. She then took a job in Saudi Arabia in a hospital, a country that I couldn’t even legally walk down the street with her. I learned my lesson with her, there were no more absentee girlfriends in exotic countries 7000 miles away, if she wasn’t by my side then it wasn’t going to happen. It was my fault, I fell head over heals in love and ignored all the red flags that were posted everywhere, like who misses a giant red flag called "bigamy".If misery loves company Adventureguy then you should feel very comforted, you have a lot of company. These forums are full of love gone bad stories. Doug and Sally

Yeah, I'm always amazed at the guys who get caught up with a girl who is "separated", cuz there is so much red tape, drama, and expenses invovled with pursuing a relationship like that. Getting an annulment can be very complicated and sometimes even impossible. There are too many very single beautiful women to waste lots of time, money and heartache on ones who are technically "unavailable". Even though mine is very single, I guess now due to zip codes, I have to put mine in that unavailable category too, hahaha.Thanks for sharing Doug and the misery company. Edited December 2, 2010 by adventureguy

[Tom in Texas]

ignored all the red flags that were posted everywhere, like who misses a giant red flag called "bigamy".If misery loves company Adventureguy then you should feel very comforted, you have a lot of company. These forums are full of love gone bad stories. Doug and Sally

Yes indeed And the international door swings both ways on these "love gone bad"... or outright scam... stories.Maybe I'm the exception... my only "successful" relationship has been with my Filipina asawa.After three very expensive divorces... about 15 years ago I decided to just move my "new girlfriend" into my home and forget about getting married.Over the next four years... I ignored several giant red flags --(several people saying "really, she told me ya'll were married")(credit card in her name... with my last name on it)(party invitations to the home of "Mr. and Mrs...)etc., etc.,She eventually needed "more space".... "to find herself".... and "not live in my shadow"... yadda yadda... so we split up... and yes... I was soon served with a very expensive "Palimony" suit. Yes... the American version of the PH scam. ------>>> ----->>>>>But now I am (happily - as far as I know) married for 10 years to a beautiful, sweet Filipina... so.................

[Art2ro]

Geez Tom, yes in deed!I'm glad for you, that you are happily married now again! Misery does love company! A few of us have been there, but survived after a decade of despair and loneliness!

Edited December 5, 2010 by Fil/AmArt