The Filipinas Driive To Support Her Family

[Jake]

Thanks Jake. Just as I finished that post, she came online, so we were able to talk about things. It appears that she did not communicate well to me her needs while i was gone. She had never asked me for much and was receiving support from a OFW brother, but he returned while I was gone and cut off her allowance. She was shy to tell me and did not want to be looked at as the typical filipina looking for a rich foreigner. Her pride got in the way a little and she decided to go abroad for work since she could make more money there. She wants to be able to return with enough money so she can have some kind of business of her own, so that she will not be dependent on me. She estimated that she will remain there for about a year. She did not go on a contract and borrowed money to go, so there is a debt to be repayed when she returns.The family of course is very proud of her now that she is sending home some support for them. At this time she is considering if the money is more important than our relationship and I am considering whether to bail her out of the situation to have her back sooner. Part of me wants to do it, but part of me also wants to make her learn the value and consequences of the decisions she has made. Hmmm...I think I will take a look around for a month or so before I make my final decision.

The prevailing cultural attitude among many filipinos (m/f) I have met is to do whatever they feel like doing because they seem to find it easier to ask forgiveness later than to seek permission or agreement in advance. It has taken me a lot of time and patience to convince my wife that I do not accept that attitude.Your gf has let you down once and she is really great at putting a good 'spin' on it. How many times will you allow that to happen?

Yes, the prevailing cultural attitude seems to follow the Catholic principles (sin first, then ask for forgiveness later). She did consult me about it all at the time, but led me to believe that she would make much more money than she is making and it was supposed to be for only a few short months. I did not know she would create a huge debt to go. The bottom line is that there has been poor communication on her part and that is the main reason for the turn of events. How many times will I allow it to happen?...more than once is too many for me.

Boy, you guys are really speaking from experience. Being a Filipino, I have found that most are very shy or embarrassed to ask, to confront or to discuss important matters like dealing with the heart or even the monthly budget. As Lee stated in his previous posts: Filipinos in general live for today and not worry or plan for tomorrow. Being taught western values, I would rather take care of the problem now before it snow balls. As they say, an ounce of prevention is worth more than a pound of cure.Speaking of Catholic principles -- many Filipinas also worship Mother Mary (even more so than Jesus) and what she stands for. And thereforepractice humbleness through suffering. It is a virtue for them to suffer. Under the Spanish influence of more than 300 years, it became the culture of the angry and silent majority. Even though they are victims of obvious physical and mental abuse within the family, they suffer insilence.Have a nice day gentlemen -- Jake

Another issue came to mind as I reread the OP: The Filipina drive to support a family.........I know quite a few Filipinos working here in the States supporting more than one family. The other family is usually referred as the "secret"family. There has been several posts where members have suddenly discovered their own girlfriends also have hidden secrets. Dead beathusbands or active boyfriends and of course, a house full of young kids. They say that love is the strongest force in the universe. When thesecrets are finally revealed, the anguish suffering in a broken heart is also very painful to endure.Whatcha goin' to do.......most of us are in our golden years of retirement. Supposedly we've been there and done that and have learned from our mistakes. Most of us are not as healthy anymore and having to suffer another issue with a broken heart could easily put us over the edge.OK, I will agree there must be a certain amount of time to feel sorry for yourself. May I suggest after 6 San Magoos or a couple pitchers ofMoJo that you are now fully recovered and willing to seek where no other man has gone before. I'm not suggesting to search out a girl whichhas never been "de-virginized", although there are plenty out there -- "probinsya" -- women from remote provinces. What I am suggesting is why continue to suffer like it was your very first puppy love. Perhaps Flirtilizer could further explain the process of recovering from a broken heart.Respectfully -- Jake

[Travis]

it is a bad drive & they need to put it in reverse asap if they want to be happily married to foreigners

[Genius]

I disagree, the drive to look after ones family, is very laudable and selfless. Of course there are EXTREME situations where it may have negative aspects, (deceit of one in favour of family etc), but in general I think it is a noble and good aspect of the Philippines.I declare that I might be bias as I m Roman Catholic.

[Travis]

I disagree, the drive to look after ones family, is very laudable and selfless. Of course there are EXTREME situations where it may have negative aspects, (deceit of one in favour of family etc), but in general I think it is a noble and good aspect of the Philippines.I declare that I might be bias as I m Roman Catholic.

Filipino families seem to take it to the extreme & to such a degree that they ruin their daughters chances of a better life. I do not know you & have not seen much of your posts so are you in a relationship with a Filipina so you can speak from experience or are you just speaking as you state by religious beliefs? I have been there & done that quite a few times & was going to marry a nice lady who was in her 30's & her blood sucking parents would not stop asking her for money every time she was with me & even when she wasnt coz they thought she could bleed me dry but they did not know not all of us are rich so I hope if you are in a relationship that your ladies family is not like that

[adventureguy]

Thanks for all of the input guys.UPDATEAs I look back over the chain of events leading to my GF going abroad, I can say that the main reason it happened is because she failed to be totally open and communicate well with me. As we all know communication is a two way street and good communication is necessary for a strong relationship. After her allowance was cutoff by her brother who returned from working abroad while I was gone, pressure came on her to do something. She was shy to ask me for help and wanted to prove herself to the family that she was not with me for my money and could make it on her own. I remember when we met last year, she had already been approved and was set to go abroad for work in Taiwan, but cancelled at the last moment to meet me instead.I think part of her decision to go abroad a few months ago was due to her desire to experience that, plus provide support to her family, plus earn money to return and have her own business. I learned yesterday that she lied to me. She originally told me that she did not go there on a contract so she could return in a few months without penalty. Her sister told me yesterday that she had gone on a two year contract. My GF said she intended to end it early, but only after maybe a year.The lie is what bothers me the most. She justifies it by saying that she did not want me to get mad with her. Well, now I am mad and more so because of the lie. It makes me wonder what else she has lied to me about. Honesty is my number one requirement in a relationship. She knows this and has violated my golden rule. I don't know if I can trust her now and I certainly don't want her to feel like its okay for her to do it again.My GF has so many great qualities and I've met many other girls here, but none compare with her. Of course my heart is invovled here and its hard to let go. I don't want to just sit here and wait for a year or possibly more for her to come back. How would you guys handle this situation?

[Mr Lee]

Thanks for all of the input guys.UPDATEAs I look back over the chain of events leading to my GF going abroad, I can say that the main reason it happened is because she failed to be totally open and communicate well with me. As we all know communication is a two way street and good communication is necessary for a strong relationship. After her allowance was cutoff by her brother who returned from working abroad while I was gone, pressure came on her to do something. She was shy to ask me for help and wanted to prove herself to the family that she was not with me for my money and could make it on her own. I remember when we met last year, she had already been approved and was set to go abroad for work in Taiwan, but cancelled at the last moment to meet me instead.I think part of her decision to go abroad a few months ago was due to her desire to experience that, plus provide support to her family, plus earn money to return and have her own business. I learned yesterday that she lied to me. She originally told me that she did not go there on a contract so she could return in a few months without penalty. Her sister told me yesterday that she had gone on a two year contract. My GF said she intended to end it early, but only after maybe a year.The lie is what bothers me the most. She justifies it by saying that she did not want me to get mad with her. Well, now I am mad and more so because of the lie. It makes me wonder what else she has lied to me about. Honesty is my number one requirement in a relationship. She knows this and has violated my golden rule. I don't know if I can trust her now and I certainly don't want her to feel like its okay for her to do it again.My GF has so many great qualities and I've met many other girls here, but none compare with her. Of course my heart is invovled here and its hard to let go. I don't want to just sit here and wait for a year or possibly more for her to come back. How would you guys handle this situation?

I would say there are a lot of wonderful single ladies in the Philippines, so go on with your life and see where it leads you since 2 years is a long time, and besides that, how can you ever believe what she tells you in the future, I know I would have a hard time if it were me. 

[adventureguy]

Thanks for all of the input guys.UPDATEAs I look back over the chain of events leading to my GF going abroad, I can say that the main reason it happened is because she failed to be totally open and communicate well with me. As we all know communication is a two way street and good communication is necessary for a strong relationship. After her allowance was cutoff by her brother who returned from working abroad while I was gone, pressure came on her to do something. She was shy to ask me for help and wanted to prove herself to the family that she was not with me for my money and could make it on her own. I remember when we met last year, she had already been approved and was set to go abroad for work in Taiwan, but cancelled at the last moment to meet me instead.I think part of her decision to go abroad a few months ago was due to her desire to experience that, plus provide support to her family, plus earn money to return and have her own business. I learned yesterday that she lied to me. She originally told me that she did not go there on a contract so she could return in a few months without penalty. Her sister told me yesterday that she had gone on a two year contract. My GF said she intended to end it early, but only after maybe a year.The lie is what bothers me the most. She justifies it by saying that she did not want me to get mad with her. Well, now I am mad and more so because of the lie. It makes me wonder what else she has lied to me about. Honesty is my number one requirement in a relationship. She knows this and has violated my golden rule. I don't know if I can trust her now and I certainly don't want her to feel like its okay for her to do it again.My GF has so many great qualities and I've met many other girls here, but none compare with her. Of course my heart is invovled here and its hard to let go. I don't want to just sit here and wait for a year or possibly more for her to come back. How would you guys handle this situation?

I would say there are a lot of wonderful single ladies in the Philippines, so go on with your life and see where it leads you since 2 years is a long time, and besides that, how can you ever believe what she tells you in the future, I know I would have a hard time if it were me.

Yes, I am leaning in that direction Mr. Lee

[Old55]

Thanks for all of the input guys.UPDATEAs I look back over the chain of events leading to my GF going abroad, I can say that the main reason it happened is because she failed to be totally open and communicate well with me. As we all know communication is a two way street and good communication is necessary for a strong relationship. After her allowance was cutoff by her brother who returned from working abroad while I was gone, pressure came on her to do something. She was shy to ask me for help and wanted to prove herself to the family that she was not with me for my money and could make it on her own. I remember when we met last year, she had already been approved and was set to go abroad for work in Taiwan, but cancelled at the last moment to meet me instead.I think part of her decision to go abroad a few months ago was due to her desire to experience that, plus provide support to her family, plus earn money to return and have her own business. I learned yesterday that she lied to me. She originally told me that she did not go there on a contract so she could return in a few months without penalty. Her sister told me yesterday that she had gone on a two year contract. My GF said she intended to end it early, but only after maybe a year.The lie is what bothers me the most. She justifies it by saying that she did not want me to get mad with her. Well, now I am mad and more so because of the lie. It makes me wonder what else she has lied to me about. Honesty is my number one requirement in a relationship. She knows this and has violated my golden rule. I don't know if I can trust her now and I certainly don't want her to feel like its okay for her to do it again.My GF has so many great qualities and I've met many other girls here, but none compare with her. Of course my heart is invovled here and its hard to let go. I don't want to just sit here and wait for a year or possibly more for her to come back. How would you guys handle this situation?

Perhaps it was always about the money and never about you in the first place I'm not saying its so but... I say this respectfully maybe it is time to move on. There are so very many great Filipinas from good family's that would be pleased to know someone like you.

[adventureguy]

Thanks for all of the input guys.UPDATEAs I look back over the chain of events leading to my GF going abroad, I can say that the main reason it happened is because she failed to be totally open and communicate well with me. As we all know communication is a two way street and good communication is necessary for a strong relationship. After her allowance was cutoff by her brother who returned from working abroad while I was gone, pressure came on her to do something. She was shy to ask me for help and wanted to prove herself to the family that she was not with me for my money and could make it on her own. I remember when we met last year, she had already been approved and was set to go abroad for work in Taiwan, but cancelled at the last moment to meet me instead.I think part of her decision to go abroad a few months ago was due to her desire to experience that, plus provide support to her family, plus earn money to return and have her own business. I learned yesterday that she lied to me. She originally told me that she did not go there on a contract so she could return in a few months without penalty. Her sister told me yesterday that she had gone on a two year contract. My GF said she intended to end it early, but only after maybe a year.The lie is what bothers me the most. She justifies it by saying that she did not want me to get mad with her. Well, now I am mad and more so because of the lie. It makes me wonder what else she has lied to me about. Honesty is my number one requirement in a relationship. She knows this and has violated my golden rule. I don't know if I can trust her now and I certainly don't want her to feel like its okay for her to do it again.My GF has so many great qualities and I've met many other girls here, but none compare with her. Of course my heart is invovled here and its hard to let go. I don't want to just sit here and wait for a year or possibly more for her to come back. How would you guys handle this situation?

Perhaps it was always about the money and never about you in the first place I'm not saying its so but... I say this respectfully maybe it is time to move on. There are so very many great Filipinas from good family's that would be pleased to know someone like you.

I believe that she is determined to prove to her family and others that she is not with me for my money and that she can provide for her family on her own. You have to admire that kind of spirit and dedication, but it seems to come at the expense of our relationship.

[Jake]

 "As we all know communication is a two way street and good communication is necessary for a strong relationship" "You have to admire that kind of spirit and dedication, but it seems to come at the expense of our relationship" 

Hello Adventureguy, Your two quotes above gave me a little insight on your values, as well as your understanding the complexities of the Filipino family.  I must commend you for giving her some slack (admire her kind of spirit and dedication).I must also commend you for your self imposed reality check by realizing false and half truths just don't cut it. Whatcha goin' to do?  Your name Adventureguy along with that nice red Jeep Wrangler suggest to me that in spite of a broken heart, I don't think you're going to sit on your butt feeling sorry for yourself. We appreciate you sharing your experience that are both difficult and private matters of the heart.  We wish youand your formal GF the very best in life. Respectfully -- Jake