Silent Treatment

[Art2ro]

Ok, i really need some help with this, I have been living in the visayas for 4 years now, fell in love lived together, broke up, lived together, broke up, got married! thinking that would cure it all, had a baby, one month old now, My wife has really gone silent, hasn't said one word to me since december 22. I try and try to get her to talk, then I just go silent with her, thinking she will come around. I don't even know what I did, she will text me from the next room, rarely. she sleeps on the floor in the other room, right next to the mattress! she text me the other day and said she wants out of this, she wants 250,000 and she will go away and leave me alone. I don't want this. I don't think in her state of mind she should be in control of money like that, she is a city girl, great english. Always been a little maldita but this is too weird. I have told her I want to take her to a doctor, she texts me and says, "no way, nothing wrong with me" I talked to her family. She says she can make trouble for me if I don't give her this money. I wonder what the child support laws are here, I would be much happier paying by the month and having a court order. What are the laws for this here, If I took her to the doctor it would have to be by force and I dont want that, anyone have any input. The silence is so loud!

I disagree with your first sentence! californiaman's comments sounds all too familiar word for word, because it was what my brother went through with his wife in their early years of marriage! It's not a cultural thing, but of a serious medical nature IMHO, because californiaman described all of the symptoms what his wife's behavior is showing and his bewilderment of her actions for no apparent reason! "The writing is on the wall", I read and seen it before! I was just assuring him that's it's not an isolated situation and he's not alone! It doesn't hurt to share one's experiences of any nature as long it can help to realize that there may be a serious blatant problem with certain people with similar situations and any suggestions should be welcomed to a certain extent to open one's eves who didn't recognize the symptoms A lawyer's involvement should be a last resort it nothing else works to remedy the situation! Here's an example of a blatant symptom that went on for months and it ended up in tragedy! I knew a police relative of mine that was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Syndrome due to his line of work and was given a forced medical disability retirement, but his mental illness wasn't monitored closely insuring that he was taking his medication or getting counselling as to his condition! Even his wife failed in that department to insure he took his medication! One thing lead to another and their marriage turned into a war zone, because his wife wasn't very sympathetic with his condition and wanted a divorce on top of all what he was going through! One day, he went besirk due to the fact that he was off his meds for a few months and did serious harm to himself, he slashed both of his eyes with a knife! Later, he said he didn't even know what happened! He is now permanently blind in both eyes and is now in a State Mental Institution recovering from his operation and being treated for his depression! His wife has since divorced him, collecting part of his pension and sued the hospital and police department for negligence, I think she will collect big time in the end! So, does anyone see where I'm coming from on this if some one happens to see "the writing on the wall"? Should one keep silent or tell some one before a tragedy happens? Just MHO!

Art I see where you are coming from but the sentence in the OP post shows me that this had been going on long before they got married and then had a child, and while you may be correct in your thoughts and that could be adding to the problem, it is my thought that the behavior was present long before the child was in the picture and the OP refused to accept it. I wish the fellow well but to me it seemed like there must have been something he was doing all along to piss her off, and he never found out what it was, or she was unstable from the get go and maybe now it has gone on too long to fix. I have found that it is impossible to get someone help if they refuse to accept that they need it and maybe more so in the PHL.

My brother's ordeal with his wife went on before and during their marriage and to this day it still goes on in spurts when she's off her meds! She was diagnosed with a chemical imbalance making her schizophrenic! My brother is just the loving, caring, patient and forgiving type, because he saw "the writing on the wall" and understood what his wife was going through and learned to live with it! BTW, the police friend I mentioned above, is her younger brother, sad but true! Insanity must run in their family! Edited January 14, 2011 by Fil/AmArt

[Inspector]

I'll say it again, these type of problems are far too complicated for posters IMHO. This is not about different Visa's, or what hand gestures mean. This is not a black and white zone, but the gray area, and it's far too deep a problem for us. Why did they break up three times? What does she say about anything? The family says...give her money or trouble? What kind of trouble? What did he do as a husband? Was he caught messing around? Does he do anything wrong, or was he a saint and she the evil spoiled filipina? We don't know any or all the facts for any "expert"...let alone Joe Six Pack posters giving this type of advice on such one sided limited facts. Can it be a chemical imbalance? Sure, but she says..."nothing is wrong with me". Did she really say that? Is it true...anything true? Well, we don't get a chance to hear BOTH sides, so why in the world would I conclude ANYTHING, and give advice? I can't, and won't...aside telling him to get a lawyer if she does not believe there is anything wrong with her, and this is all true. This is the wrong place to air out such a problem...IMHO, as it is VERY serious and he needs FAR more then this forum can give him...aside from the name of reliable lawyers. Lee's advice was sound, and that is about as far as it can be taken. IMHO. :thats-funny:

Edited January 14, 2011 by Inspector

[Jake]

Hey guys,We are very grateful that we have members that are so compassionate about assisting other members, especially whena new member just came on board with some serious marital problems. I believe at this point in time and with limitedknowledge from BOTH sides, we need to refrain from getting too emotional to the point where it may cloud our sensitivityfor all members involved. In fact, Californiaman has every right to remain confidential -- he is not required to provide anymore personal details.We wish the very best for BOTH parties. More importantly, the new infant needs the most help at this critical stage of life.In the meantime guys, let's just cool our emotions for now -- the first dozen rounds of MoJo is on me while Lee gets greasedfor pole dancing for our private entertainment. Breathing hard already -- Jake

[softail]

I agree with Inspector that there is no way that anyone on this forum can know what all the facts in this case are, there is his version, her version and then there is the truth. Even if we had all the facts in the case how could we possibly give advise that is of real value anyway, after all we are simply a bunch of anonymous guys on an Internet forum with a common interest in the Philippines. I think that one thing of value that can be taken away from the OP’s plight is that if there are problems in a relationship prior to marriage, there is no way that getting married and having children going to solve it. All that is going to happen is that you are going to lock yourself into a bad relationship that is very difficult to get out of. Trust your "gut" guys and if there are significant problems in your relationship, walk away while the walking is good because more than likely things aren’t going to be getting any better after marriage.Doug and Sally

[United Army]

I agree with Inspector that there is no way that anyone on this forum can know what all the facts in this case are, there is his version, her version and then there is the truth. Even if we had all the facts in the case how could we possibly give advise that is of real value anyway, after all we are simply a bunch of anonymous guys on an Internet forum with a common interest in the Philippines. I think that one thing of value that can be taken away from the OP’s plight is that if there are problems in a relationship prior to marriage, there is no way that getting married and having children going to solve it. All that is going to happen is that you are going to lock yourself into a bad relationship that is very difficult to get out of. Trust your "gut" guys and if there are significant problems in your relationship, walk away while the walking is good because more than likely things aren’t going to be getting any better after marriage.Doug and Sally

Sometimes walking away is not always easy. My best to the new member. Edited January 15, 2011 by United Army

[Inspector]

Hey guys,We are very grateful that we have members that are so compassionate about assisting other members, especially whena new member just came on board with some serious marital problems. I believe at this point in time and with limitedknowledge from BOTH sides, we need to refrain from getting too emotional to the point where it may cloud our sensitivityfor all members involved. In fact, Californiaman has every right to remain confidential -- he is not required to provide anymore personal details.We wish the very best for BOTH parties. More importantly, the new infant needs the most help at this critical stage of life.In the meantime guys, let's just cool our emotions for now -- the first dozen rounds of MoJo is on me while Lee gets greasedfor pole dancing for our private entertainment. Breathing hard already -- Jake

That we can both agree on...no matter what is going on with the wife or ex and she allows you to see the child or not, or goes a bit deep ended...if you make that child, remember that the child suffers if you do not support him/her in some way. I hate when fathers stop paying child support when the ex decides not to allow the dad to see the kid for any reason, moving away ect...the child should NEVER be used a bargaining chip by either parties, but the guy should always make sure HIS kid is supported until of age. Sure, get a lawyer to see your child if need be, but always pay for that child while you are attempting to clear this up.Now, I am not privy to Philippine laws regarding all this, and if somebody knows of the laws regarding child support and visitation HERE, that might be helpful to the original poster, and us not knowing other members. :thats-funny: Edited January 15, 2011 by Inspector

[Art2ro]

My comments were just examples from my own personal experiences and meant only to open one's eyes to the possibilities and not just turn a blinds eye or just walk away from a potential serious problem! I just read californiaman's comments and it just blurted out all of the tall tail signs and symptoms which I refereed to as "the writing on the wall", which IMHO doesn't take gut instincts or an expert to see it! Now when all is said and done after such a tragedy I shared with you all, they all started to point fingers as to who was at fault and what could have been done to prevent such a tragedy because one turned a blinds eye or one just walked away without even trying to prevent it! For example, my brother didn't turn a blinds eye or just walked away, he did something about it and maybe he prevented his wife from really doing something serious to herself, he didn't take that chance for it to happen, like what happened to her younger brother who destroyed his own life by slashing both of his eyes, because no one understood his problem and his wife just walked away and turned a blinds eyes! It was just my observation, experience and suggestion to californiaman's plight for help and to let him know that he's not alone and maybe he will explain more with what he's going through so that maybe we could help him in any way!

[Jollygoodfellow]

Well call me heartless or what ever you want, I have not been able to post much or anything over the last week but now I read this topic and laugh. You see I have been around yahoo groups and forums for quite some time and when I see a post like this from a new member who has not replied to any posts I just put it in the bullshit basket.The OP is welcome to prove me wrong and it did stir some comments but I seriously doubt the sincerity of the poster.Now if he is writing the truth then it is plain to see the writing was on the wall well before he thought marriage would secure his life with someone who did not want to be with him.My advice from what he said is,get the hell out of there and move on before you find yourself broke and with a cut throat to match, gezz Is anyone really that; how do you say,"dumb" to be forcing a relationship on some one who wants out and money?

[ekimswish]

Nothing personal, just business...I disagree with Inspector on this that the forum is the wrong place to post. He's right that we don't know the whole or real story, and we're probably not qualified to give serious help. I think, however, that what forums are good for is venting and letting other people sort through all the garbage and angles, in a way to give you perspective, but in another way to take the pressure off and feel less alone in it. He's a grown up and could think of all these things himself, but he's probably a bit flustered and too emotional to want to do it in the first place. It helps to have guys to share the load with you a bit, and come up with the same ideas - great or garbage - as you would've come up with anyways, but alone. At the end of the day, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, but by sharing his experience here, maybe he's reminded others to be careful and value their relationships, or avoid the loonies at the start of it. At the same time, we help a brotha vent. I gotta say, I thought Lee jumped to conclusions a little early in assuming he did something wrong,cultural or other, to make her this mad. Seems to me she's just one of those girls... you know the kind. But I might be wrong in assuming she's the crazy one, and Lee might be right that he did something to offend her. Neither of us know, which backs Inspector's point that we don't know enough to really help. Still, I think there's nothing wrong with venting, and I think Art's experiences are very valid and worthy to be shared. I never knew about post-natal depression until I read about it after my wife gave birth. She thought she had it, but I recognized she wasn't quite there and was more or less being her whiney self (love you baby ;) Had I not read about it (being a bit of a redneck), and had my wife actually had it, I would've loved to have vented online and then read Art's post. It would've helped me a lot. Anyways, that's my two cents. I'll stay out of the relationship side of it, because like Inspector said, I don't know the whole story, but I don't think there's anything wrong with venting, nor giving advice to a ventor.

[Mr Lee]

Nothing personal, just business...I disagree with Inspector on this that the forum is the wrong place to post. He's right that we don't know the whole or real story, and we're probably not qualified to give serious help. I think, however, that what forums are good for is venting and letting other people sort through all the garbage and angles, in a way to give you perspective, but in another way to take the pressure off and feel less alone in it. He's a grown up and could think of all these things himself, but he's probably a bit flustered and too emotional to want to do it in the first place. It helps to have guys to share the load with you a bit, and come up with the same ideas - great or garbage - as you would've come up with anyways, but alone. At the end of the day, he's gonna do what he's gonna do, but by sharing his experience here, maybe he's reminded others to be careful and value their relationships, or avoid the loonies at the start of it. At the same time, we help a brotha vent. I gotta say, I thought Lee jumped to conclusions a little early in assuming he did something wrong,cultural or other, to make her this mad. Seems to me she's just one of those girls... you know the kind. But I might be wrong in assuming she's the crazy one, and Lee might be right that he did something to offend her. Neither of us know, which backs Inspector's point that we don't know enough to really help. Still, I think there's nothing wrong with venting, and I think Art's experiences are very valid and worthy to be shared. I never knew about post-natal depression until I read about it after my wife gave birth. She thought she had it, but I recognized she wasn't quite there and was more or less being her whiney self (love you baby ;) Had I not read about it (being a bit of a redneck), and had my wife actually had it, I would've loved to have vented online and then read Art's post. It would've helped me a lot. Anyways, that's my two cents. I'll stay out of the relationship side of it, because like Inspector said, I don't know the whole story, but I don't think there's anything wrong with venting, nor giving advice to a ventor.

Mike you may be correct and I may have jumped to a wrong conclusion and if so I am sorry, but going silent is something I have seen way too many times in my life with Filipinas, and while it might have been caused by other things, way too many foreigners that I have met seem to not understand the culture and therefore end up upsetting their sensitive ladies. I wish the guy well but as Tom (Boss Man) said, chances are he may never be back. I just hope it will not be for reasons we may read about in the news.