Humor On The Tarmac (Flight Line)

[Art2ro]

My glory days when I was a young lad in the military as an aircraft mechanic stationed at Clark Air Base, Philippines.Based on on true accounts and sort of in the realm of fiction, these are some of the situations and conversations I encountered with the pilots!But just in case you need a laugh: Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of you who fly the friendly skies! After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a 'discrepancy sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the discrepancy sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crew chiefs lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by the pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with a CC) by the maintenance Crew Chief . P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.CC: Almost replaced left inside main tire.P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.CC: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.P: Something loose in cockpit.CC: Something tightened in cockpit.P: Dead bugs on windshield.CC: Live bugs on back-order. P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.CC: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.CC: Evidence removed.P: ADI (attitude Indicator) - volume unbelievably loud.CC: ADI volume set to more believable level.P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.CC: That's what friction locks are for.P: IFF (Identify Friend or Foe (enemy) - inoperative in OFF mode.CC: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.P: Suspected crack in windshield.CC: Suspect you're right. P: Number 3 engine missing.CC: Engine found on right wing after brief visual inspection.P: Aircraft handles funny. CC: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious. P: Target radar hums.CC: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics and tunes.P: Mouse in cockpit.CC: Cat installed. And the best one for last... P: Noise coming from under instrument panel, sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.CC: Took hammer away from the midget.

[volstateguy]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but  only a high school diploma to fix one; a  reassurance to those of you who fly the friendly skies! 

I've told this to quite a few pilots in my time, except in my version is "It takes a college degree to BRAKE the plane and a high school diploma to fix it"

[Art2ro]

This is the aircraft I worked on my entire military and civilian career, the C-5 Galaxy for 30 yrs before I retired.The first C-5 was built in Aug of 1966 and took it's first maiden flight in June of 1968. I joined the Air Force in Nov 1967 and retired in Dec 1997.

looked like his right hand forward landing gear hung up, because the door didn't close flush!

Yup! Uncle Sam gave me a good hefty pension, for here in the Philippines anyways, ever since I started collecting all 4 of my U.S. Government pensions! I'm now smiling from ear to ear all the way to the bank! Edited March 12, 2011 by Art2ro

[volstateguy]

I've never been stationed with C-5s but I worked quite a few C-5 that were stopped at Rhein Main during my assignment there in the early 90s.  C-5's from Travis always seemed to land broke. So 30 years active would make you a retired Chief, hats off to you Art!...thats a long career in Acft maintenance. (for you civilian types, a Chief in the Air Force is the highest enlisted rank and makes up just 1% of the enlisted force) What was your AFSC Chief?  I'm a sheetmetal guy myself.  I've been in 19 years so far and plan to do another 5.  I've been stationed mostly on F-16s, A-10s and C-130s.  Right now I'm doing a special duty in MS as a QAE surveilling the civilian maintenance contract here at Columbus.  

[Art2ro]

volstateguy,I was no Chief by rank, but just of longevity as a USAF E-6/Tsgt in the military for 12 yrs, got out voluntarily with a 20% VA Disability compensation and became a civilian/ Reservist TSgt/WG-10 & GS-11 after 30 days of getting out from actice duty and straight into Civil Service as an ART in the "Air Reserve Technician" Program for 18 yrs at Travis AFB, Ca! In my combined 30yrs working for the U.S. Air Force, I've had at least 4 different AFSCs: in Aircraft Maintenance as an APG Mechanic on C-141 and C-5 aircrafts, Production Control Scheduler Specialist in the Local Manufacturing/FMS/AMS/OMS/EMS/MMS Branches and Job Control Aircraft Maintenance Scheduler. Time went by fast, because I was always busy and going to a lot of different places, Armillo & Lackland, Texas, Chanute, Ill, Travis & Castle AFB, Ca, Luke AFB, Az, Clark AB, PI, Utapao AB, Thailand and 180 days temporary duty at Anderson AFB, Guam, Takli Field, Thailand, Laos, Taiwan, Korea, China, Cambodia, Yokota AB, Japan, Kadena AB, Okinawa, Hickam AFB, Hawaii and Anchorage, Alaska during my 30 yr career! Actually I retired 6 yrs early at age 49 from Civil Service with an immediate pension and U.S. Air Force Reserves in 1997 and received my full military benefits at age 60, I'm now 62 collecting my Social Security pension too ! We moved to the Philippines in 1998 when I was 50 and we've been here ever since!

Edited March 12, 2011 by Art2ro

[Jake]

volstateguy,I was no Chief by rank, but just of longevity as a USAF E-6/Tsgt in the military for 12 yrs, got out voluntarily with a 20% VA Disability compensation and became a civilian/ Reservist TSgt/WG-10 & GS-11 after 30 days of getting out from actice duty and straight into Civil Service as an ART in the "Air Reserve Technician" Program for 18 yrs at Travis AFB, Ca! In my combined 30yrs working for the U.S. Air Force, I've had at least 4 different AFSCs: in Aircraft Maintenance as an APG Mechanic on C-141 and C-5 aircrafts, Production Control Scheduler Specialist in the Local Manufacturing/FMS/AMS/OMS/EMS/MMS Branches and Job Control Aircraft Maintenance Scheduler. Time went by fast, because I was always busy and going to a lot of different places, Armillo & Lackland, Texas, Chanute, Ill, Travis & Castle AFB, Ca, Luke AFB, Az, Clark AB, PI, Utapao AB, Thailand and 180 days temporary duty at Anderson AFB, Guam, Takli Field, Thailand, Laos, Taiwan, Korea, China, Cambodia, Yokota AB, Japan, Kadena AB, Okinawa, Hickam AFB, Hawaii and Anchorage, Alaska during my 30 yr career! Actually I retired 6 yrs early at age 49 from Civil Service with an immediate pension and U.S. Air Force Reserves in 1997 and received my full military benefits at age 60, I'm now 62 collecting my Social Security pension too ! We moved to the Philippines in 1998 when I was 50 and we've been here ever since!

Dang Art, looks like you've been around the block a few times. You Air Force pukes had it made with nice and modern air bases, PX and nicer looking women in uniform. Seventy five percent of my 21 years in the US Navy was mostly out to sea, with very short port visits during a typical 6-9 months WestPac deployment.As a senior electronics technician (retired as an E-9), most of my trouble calls were operator problems. Junior officers and green operators would call in the middle of the night to complain about no radar video or no comms. I would simply point to the on-off or standby-radiate switch or confirm they're on the right frequency.I was fortunate to have TAD orders on several Nimitz class carriers. The hanger and flight deck is packed with weapons, fixed and rotary wing air frames and operating at max tempo 7/24. I really admire the Naval aviators. All of them Alfa male with a killer instinct.They also have big gonads to perform a landing (control crash landing really) in the darkest of night and inclement weather. And at the same time, a Tom Cat or a Hornet on full military power will be sling shot off the bow. Those pilots get me all hot and bothered.And I'm talkin' about female combat pilots.Respectfully -- Jake

[Jake]

I've never been stationed with C-5s but I worked quite a few C-5 that were stopped at Rhein Main during my assignment there in the early 90s. C-5's from Travis always seemed to land broke. So 30 years active would make you a retired Chief, hats off to you Art!...thats a long career in Acft maintenance. (for you civilian types, a Chief in the Air Force is the highest enlisted rank and makes up just 1% of the enlisted force) What was your AFSC Chief? I'm a sheetmetal guy myself. I've been in 19 years so far and plan to do another 5. I've been stationed mostly on F-16s, A-10s and C-130s. Right now I'm doing a special duty in MS as a QAE surveilling the civilian maintenance contract here at Columbus.

No matter what they say, the A-10 Warthog is one of my favorite ground attack platforms. They're like an M-1 Abramstank with wings and love to fly around tree tops and mud. My hat is off to you also! Another 5 years is shorter than youthink. Too bad, Clark AFB is no longer there -- it would have been nice to get your last twilight tour there before retiring.In the meantime, I could just imagine you as the Quality Assurance Evaluator/Engineer sitting on your Chief's desk with your feet up, sipping your coffee and "delegating" assignments to your air crew. I salute you sir -- Jake Edited March 12, 2011 by Jake
korrect my englesh

[gapotwo]

I dont know about you flyboys :SugarwareZ-034: but for me, an m1a2 ABRAMS IS THE ONLY WAY TO FLY. as i blast my way in and jitterbug my way out,nothing but raw fun compliments of the US.ARMY :36_6_3[1]: not to mention the ever so awsom 50cal. topside. and all without leaving the ground................tanks fur sure.....ej.:23_11_60[2]:

[volstateguy]

volstateguy,I was no Chief by rank, but just of longevity as a USAF E-6/Tsgt in the military for 12 yrs, got out voluntarily with a 20% VA Disability compensation and became a civilian/ Reservist TSgt/WG-10 & GS-11 after 30 days of getting out from actice duty and straight into Civil Service as an ART in the "Air Reserve Technician" Program for 18 yrs at Travis AFB, Ca! In my combined 30yrs working for the U.S. Air Force, I've had at least 4 different AFSCs: in Aircraft Maintenance as an APG Mechanic on C-141 and C-5 aircrafts, Production Control Scheduler Specialist in the Local Manufacturing/FMS/AMS/OMS/EMS/MMS Branches and Job Control Aircraft Maintenance Scheduler. Time went by fast, because I was always busy and going to a lot of different places, Armillo & Lackland, Texas, Chanute, Ill, Travis & Castle AFB, Ca, Luke AFB, Az, Clark AB, PI, Utapao AB, Thailand and 180 days temporary duty at Anderson AFB, Guam, Takli Field, Thailand, Laos, Taiwan, Korea, China, Cambodia, Yokota AB, Japan, Kadena AB, Okinawa, Hickam AFB, Hawaii and Anchorage, Alaska during my 30 yr career! Actually I retired 6 yrs early at age 49 from Civil Service with an immediate pension and U.S. Air Force Reserves in 1997 and received my full military benefits at age 60, I'm now 62 collecting my Social Security pension too ! We moved to the Philippines in 1998 when I was 50 and we've been here ever since!      

Still 30 years of service to your country still deserves respect IMO...and in aircraft maintenance the entire time just adds to it.  Pilots get all the glory but they couldn't get off the ground without us maintainers!  Looks like you spent lots of time SE Asia during your time, but we still stomped some the same ground.  My tech school was at Chanute, I was stationed down the road from Luke at DM and I was in Korea twice (once at Osan and one with the Wolf Pack).  What did you do as far Local Manufacture?  These days all Local Manufacture requests (ones for aircrafts parts anyway) come thru my flt, Fabrication Flight. I know what you mean about time going by fast, hardly seems I've been in 19 years already with all my moves (10 in 19 years) and deployments.  Anyway my plan is to finish out 5 more years which will take me to 24, then retire in Cebu on my pension and a small nest egg.  I just want a nice simple stress free retirement.  

[volstateguy]

I've never been stationed with C-5s but I worked quite a few C-5 that were stopped at Rhein Main during my assignment there in the early 90s.  C-5's from Travis always seemed to land broke. So 30 years active would make you a retired Chief, hats off to you Art!...thats a long career in Acft maintenance. (for you civilian types, a Chief in the Air Force is the highest enlisted rank and makes up just 1% of the enlisted force) What was your AFSC Chief?  I'm a sheetmetal guy myself.  I've been in 19 years so far and plan to do another 5.  I've been stationed mostly on F-16s, A-10s and C-130s.  Right now I'm doing a special duty in MS as a QAE surveilling the civilian maintenance contract here at Columbus.  

No matter what they say, the A-10 Warthog is one of my favorite ground attack platforms.  They're like an M-1 Abramstank with wings and love to fly around tree tops and mud.  My hat is off to you also!  Another 5 years is shorter than youthink.  Too bad, Clark AFB is no longer there -- it would have been nice to get your last twilight tour there before retiring.In the meantime, I could just imagine you as the Quality Assurance Evaluator/Engineer sitting on your Chief's desk with your feet up, sipping your coffee and "delegating" assignments to your air crew.  I salute you sir -- Jake

Now you're talking!  The A-10 is my favorite aircraft as well.  It might be ugly, but as they say it's well hung   :23_11_60[2]:.   There isn't an aircraft that does what its meant to do better than the A-10.  And it's tough as nails too!  And a salute back to you Jake!  You know, I remember you told me you were an electrical technician but I don't remember you telling me you were an E-9.  Thats some elite company, there can't be too many of them in the Navy either.  Yeah it would have been great to finish off at Clark, it would have been a heck of a lot easier moving to Cebu from Clark than Mississippi, too bad Pinatubo blew its lid.  Haha, well actually I don't delegate anything here.  The maintenance here is all civilian contract, currently Dyncorp holds the contract.  My office only evaluates the maintenance performed by the contractor to ensure the AF is getting what we pay for.  All I do is report what I see to the contracting officer.  But I admit it is a pretty relaxing job.  It won't be near as relaxing as retirement in Cebu though  :SugarwareZ-034: