Uninvited Houseguests

[Married Kano]

Over the years of living here in the Philippines I have become use to the Filipino way of doing things including family. Although I see the need for family helping family, I also see too much of the attitude that its expected or a foregone conclusion that help is available from ALL family members regardless of household situation or economic concerns. That I do not agree with. Each family and family situation is different and often fluid. So to instill the guilt trip on a family or family member that is not helping-to me is wrong.Another thorn under my saddle is uninvited visits by extended family members. The ones that come in route to somewhere else or stop by for an hour or two are no problem usually. But the ones that frost my cake are those that just drop in unannounced and uninvited with bag and baggage all set to stay for a week or so. Love the family but hate the lack of thinking by family members that either don’t realize or maybe just don’t care that NOW just might not be a good time.Last time that happened here I was about to go atomic. Then had an interesting thought that I shared with my wife. Stop buying and furnishing the meals. When they get hungry and the fridge and shelves are empty—they will go. For once, I was right and it worked without an eviction order or my blood pressure going through the roof.So from now on when that happens I’m not going to sweat it. Just cut off the food and kick back and wait a few hours to reclaim my abode.Maybe, just maybe after a few times of no invitation to camp in our “teepee” and food quickly becomes unavailable (or well hidden) they will get the idea. One can only hope.These behaviors are or seem to be part of the culture here and are practiced by every family we know of. That’s ok too. Everyone can do as they like it their own home and I have no interest in forcing my values and ideas of courtesy on anyone else.But continually physically bumping into family including noisy, uncontrolled, destructive children is just not acceptable to this American guy.I’d like to hear from anyone else who is dealing with this issue or has in the past. I’m a pretty tolerant person. But peace and quiet, freedom of movement, and above all else-privacy are things I will not sacrifice even living in a foreign country!

Edited March 30, 2011 by Married Kano

[Jake]

Hello Gene,The fact that you wrote your post around 3AM (your time) may indicate how upset you are or that you're celebrating that they're finally gone. Good idea that you have purposely limited food for the guests. The unruly children is another big issue and unfortunately that behavior will not go away, until their own parents respect your home. I have found that stipulating to my wife (repeatedly) that my immediate family and personal privacy is the number one priority for a happy household (marriage). Sometimes I just go to the nearest beer house and drown myself in San Magoo. Seemsselfish at times but eventually my wife finally got the message. Depending on your tolerance level, it may take sometime to get that message across.Your home is your castle, no matter what culture is trying invade it. Your wife should be the enforcer as well.Respectfully -- Jake

[Old55]

I agree with Jake. Your wife needs to get the word out to all the family members the free rides are a thing of the past.

[FlyAway]

On the other side of the coin. When the wife and I go visit, she always insists we can stay with her sister in Manila. The sister lives in a two bedroom condo with her husband, two young children, the husbands sister, and a maid. Six people already in an area less than the size of my two car garage. They are always nice and accommodating but I sure do feel guilty and imposing taking up what little space they have. My wife gets upset with me when I insist on going to a hotel.If our plans are to one day live in Philippines, I do not want to have it known we stay with relatives while on vacation. I want it known we will stay in a hotel. Makes it easier for me to say thanks for stopping by, have a good night. No matter what I think it will be a loosing battle. Most likely will end up doing what Married Kano did.Interesting culture there in Philippines. Do not come out and say things direct. Sad when you have to do what amounts to childish behavior. Might as well put a padlock on the fridge and cabinets.

[BobNChe]

Mate, this happened to me on the second day after we moved into our apartment upon my arrival. We still had everything in disarray! We had limited bedding. 4 extra people with no notice! I was horrified and upset. BUT, I was new here and I improvised. Much to my wife's chagrin, I canvased the immediate neighborhood and found a neighbor with a mattress on the front porch. I promptly asked said neighbor if we could borrow it and said that I was willing to pay her. She obliged and refused any payment. My wife was so traumatized by this incident that I have never had uninvited guests again! I WISH!!!!After that situation, K was totally aware of my feelings on the matter, but we have always had unexpected guests and some freeloaders. It's just expected that we will accommodate to some degree, BUT I am not shy and I have no qualms about speaking my mind! (that may be a shock to some of you here!) I am not opposed to family visiting, but give me some notice and have some respect for us and our things. The unruly children are simply a product of a society which cajoles and caters to the young male children. Girls are pretty docile and pleasant. Cutting off the food was a brilliant idea, but there will be repercussions, subtle or otherwise. You will be labeled as a bad host, koriput and rude, but enjoy every minute of it and stick to your guns! Set a new precedent and hold the fort! Cheers

Edited March 30, 2011 by BobNChe

[Dave Hounddriver]

. . . . . BUT I am not shy and I have no qualms about speaking my mind! (that may be a shock to some of you here!). . .

To the people who think the wife should be the one to stand up to her relatives, I have found my wife crying on more than one occasion because she is forced to choose her husband over her family. Although I tell her she must be the one to say NO to her family, I will also tell certain of her family members NO quite strongly. This is because the most aggressive ones push past her to the source of the money. When I am firm with those ones, then the more timid ones become easier for D to deal with.Example: One aunt asks D for a 5 Peso load for her phone and she says "no". The aunt texts me for a 5 Peso load. I reply: "You are not my wife, please explain why I should send you a load for your phone" End of problem. Yes there was some gossip about me being cheap and some may say its only 5 pesos but . . where will you draw your line? If you do not say no to 5 pesos then it is guaranteed the amount they ask for will escalate next time, and continue to escalate until they have all they can get out of you.It is easy to be generous when I do the inviting. At this moment I have 2 house guests, but I was the one to invite them.

[Art2ro]

This is the main culture shock most foreigners married to Filipinas will experience with the wife's immediate and extended family! Solution, live far far away from this type of situation unless one has a high level of tolerance for it! If not, you'll be doomed with marital problems with your wife, her family and relatives with no peace and quiet in sight for a long long time! You're going to end up being the perverbial bottomless money pit with breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner thrown in to boot! Been there and done that long time ago! We now live far far away and in a gated subdivision, where people and visitors are screened, no pass, no entry!

[Mr Lee]

I guess only living here part of the year makes things different for us, and also living far away and in an intimidating hi rise condo with all the armed guards and them having to sign a book, get permission, and have the guard call up to us, for us to allow them to come up, might also intimidate many from just dropping in, but so far only those we invite, come and visit, but thankfully never stay. I love my wife and my wifes family, and love seeing them, but I love my privacy even more, so I told my wife up front and before buying here, and with no uncertain terms, NO ONE is to visit without permission and advanced notice, and she has relayed my wishes, or maybe demands might be a better word, to all. If the day should come that someone shows up without advance permission, then the guard will get a strong NO, tell them we are not home. I feel for you guys whose wife is in the middle, but possibly if you tell her that it is either your way or the highway, (in my case not living here at all, so possibly in your case living on another island) and have her transmit those facts to her family, then hopefully they will respect her wishes. This way, and with unlimited text and talk, at least my wife gets to talk to them all she wants while we are here, and we do visit them where they live, at least every other year, and some come to visit us with our permission. Yup I am a hard ass, but whose happiness is the most important. He who pays the bills rules IMHO.

[Married Kano]

I guess only living here part of the year makes things different for us, and also living far away and in an intimidating hi rise condo with all the armed guards and them having to sign a book, get permission, and have the guard call up to us, for us to allow them to come up, might also intimidate many from just dropping in, but so far only those we invite, come and visit, but thankfully never stay. I love my wife and my wifes family, and love seeing them, but I love my privacy even more, so I told my wife up front and before buying here, and with no uncertain terms, NO ONE is to visit without permission and advanced notice, and she has relayed my wishes, or maybe demands might be a better word, to all. If the day should come that someone shows up without advance permission, then the guard will get a strong NO, tell them we are not home. I feel for you guys whose wife is in the middle, but possibly if you tell her that it is either your way or the highway, (in my case not living here at all, so possibly in your case living on another island) and have her transmit those facts to her family, then hopefully they will respect her wishes. This way, and with unlimited text and talk, at least my wife gets to talk to them all she wants while we are here, and we do visit them where they live, at least every other year, and some come to visit us with our permission. Yup I am a hard ass, but whose happiness is the most important. He who pays the bills rules IMHO.

Hi Lee and everyone, have enjoyed all the responces. This was actually a fun topic to write about. I know it happens to most all of us but hadn't seen a post about it in the forum. We put an end to people asking for help within the first month after I arrived eight years ago. The answer is always a big fat NO. If not, they would soon have everthing and we would be on a corner somewhere doing the asking. The uninvited guest thing was also resolved long ago. Just had to set rules and stick to them. People here remind me of the residents of south-central Los Angeles with the poor me attitude. No way in he**! I worked too hard to just give it all away to people that won't work and or take care of their own families. Jake, I did post that in the middle of the night. But it was on one of many "old man" trips to the CR and thought what the heck; who feels like sleeping anyway. Then when I had it posted my wife crawled out of bed and visited with friends on Facebook!!! Gene...

[Inspector]

THE worst cultural aspect to deal with, IMHO, is this uninvited guest syndrome. I once had a uninvited and unexpected "drop over" of an aunt, with 5 of her 25 children that lasted a week. Some might say, how is 25 even possible being the aunt is 30, but I believe, correct me if I'm wrong... in the Philippines the length of a pregnancy term is 30 days...Sure, math majors might suggest this is only 20% of the family total, however to them I say, look in my ref, and add up the cost to my wallet, and then subtract my expensive chocolate flavored muscle milk as to the guests, it tastes like ovaltine, not realizing the consequences to them of taking this very high protein mixture for a week. Well, needless to say, after doing marriedkano's method, been there done that, and not buying anything more for the 20 percenters to attack like a locust pack on a wheat field, they simply left after the week's worth of food...me of course not saying anything to them suggesting departure at any time, as they were all now packing on 10 extra pounds of muscle. Nothing quite as intimidating, this side of an Aussie drinking his own urine, as a 6 year old pinoy with newly grown mustache and arms as big as my legs.Believe me when I say this, staying in the lines while using crayons in his coloring book no longer matters to him, and those crayons could be in your eye if you tell him to do so.Future reference to self while in striking distance of filipino family, hide chocolate flavored muscle milk. :36_1_50[1]:

Edited April 1, 2011 by Inspector