Flattering Comments?

[ekimswish]

I told my wife how sexy she looks in some pictures I just saw of the family, and she got upset - of course - and told me how fat, old, and dark she's looking these days. She says she doesn't want to go outside because people see her and say how old, fat, and dark she looks. I thought it's funny because I can't imagine people saying that to someone's face, and wondered if she was just saying that for the sake of saying it - as girls do. I've caught her assuming what people are saying about her or our kids before, but stating it like a fact. In that case, she actually turned out to be right: people thought my kids are too dark to be Canadian, and they're "just" Filipinas (read: no good in their humble, local, opinion). I wanted to post something positive in the culture section, in light of the recent trend of negative topics, but this just popped up a moment ago and I thought it's worth a mention: why do people say negative things about you to your face? Is this a Filipino thing, or an Asian thing in general?I remember in Korea, my friend's wife was saying negative things to my wife, but in a way that was meant to "help." She would say, "Why are you wearing that jacket? That style is for young people!" Or, "Why aren't you wearing make-up? You should wear make up like this to look whiter. " She would equate them in age as equals, even though she is 15 years older than my wife. She also told her how bad her Filipino accent is in English, and bragged about how good her American sounding accent is in contrast (even though this woman has horrible English). I guess I'm writing about this Korean experience to show that we shouldn't just jump the gun here and say this culture of "humble smack-talk" is a Filipino thing exclusively, and there might be something more Asian about it. But back to the Philippines.People might call it a crab mentality, or a social-climbing (on the backs of others) thing, where insulting someone else to their face in a "nice way" gives them some kind of points. I guess it is. Good people don't do this. This is something bad people do. Not all Filipinos or Asians do this. The bad ones do. It's just something I never noticed back home. I suppose in the West it's more common to say nice things to someone's face, and then trash them when they turn around. Maybe just saying it to the face is better. Maybe if you have nothing nice to say, it's better to say nothing at all. I remember when my wife just gave birth to our second daughter, her 4th child, and she was a bit heavier, her fat friends all told her how much better she looked big. They said that when she's thin she doesn't look good. She should just put on weight! I wanted to kill these girls!!! lol.... Why they gotta mess with MY life?! I like having a thin wife! I told my wife they were just jealous of her staying thin after 4 kids, and hate seeing it. When people see her like that, they wonder why their wives are fat? The wives know this, so encourage her to join the group. They DON'T have her best interests at heart; only their own. I just wonder why I had to explain this to her, and why she was naive enough to believe them in the first place?But back to the point now, apparently people greet her on the street by telling her how dark, fat, and old she looks now. Is there any positive way to spin this? Is it a sign of respect possibly, that she's joining the ranks of the wise and all-knowing old women gang? Or is it just another petty attempt to kick someone when they're down? Whatever.... as long as she knows I love her and think she's beautiful, the rest of the gossip crew can go to hell... after church that is. I still love the Philippines... at least the guys greet me with smiles.

Edited May 1, 2011 by ekimswish

[Jake]

People might call it a crab mentality, or a social-climbing (on the backs of others) thing, where insulting someone else to their face in a "nice way" gives them some kind of points. I guess it is......I remember when my wife just gave birth to our second daughter, her 4th child, and she was a bit heavier, her fat friends all told her how much better she looked big. They said that when she's thin she doesn't look good. She should just put on weight! I wanted to kill these girls!!! lol.... Why they gotta mess with MY life?! I like having a thin wife! I told my wife they were just jealous of her staying thin after 4 kids, and hate seeing it. When people see her like that, they wonder why their wives are fat? The wives know this, so encourage her to join the group. They DON'T have her best interests at heart; only their own. I just wonder why I had to explain this to her, and why she was naive enough to believe them in the first place?But back to the point now, apparently people greet her on the street by telling her how dark, fat, and old she looks now. Is there any positive way to spin this? Is it a sign of respect possibly, that she's joining the ranks of the wise and all-knowing old women gang? Or is it just another petty attempt to kick someone when they're down? Whatever.... as long as she knows I love her and think she's beautiful, the rest of the gossip crew can go to hell... after church that is. I still love the Philippines... at least the guys greet me with smiles.

Hey Mike,I took the liberty of paraphrasing your comments so that I could gather my own thoughts. I believe it was "their" petty attempt to kick your wife down because of pure unadulterated jealousy. The old village hags have nothing better to do than show their true colors.Judy and I are approaching our 26th anniversary this June and I found that a simple rose, a box of chocolate has more meaning than repeating the words of love. A gift of love given in complete surprise, especially in front of the village hags might be an effective way to show "rest of the gossip crew to go to hell". By the way, if I may say so -- your wife is amazingly beautiful! My regards to you and your family -- respectfully, Jake

[Dave Hounddriver]

My thoughts on the 'getting fat' idea: In Philippine culture people are often thin because there is not enough fattening food available. People who fatten have generally been rich enough to eat as much as they want of whatever they want. Thus telling someone they are getting fat is akin to telling them they are 'getting ahead', or so it seems to me.I also have the opinion that filipinas sometimes act a lot more like males than western girls do. For this discussion that means western men will sometimes give each other a slap on the back and say something like "putting on a few pounds are we Frank?" and it seems filipinas will say the same kind of thing to each other.The dark/white discussion is still perplexing to me. If we were discussing western girls they would likely be talking to each other about the great tan they got at some shake and bake salon. Here they talk about whitening cream.

[Old55]

As Dave pointed out in most all Asian cultures having some fat shows health, wealth, power and success. Even today it’s not uncommon for folks to know hunger on a daily basis and starvation is not unknown. My take on the heavy Filipina gals they mean no harm. You know from living in Philippines, Korea and Taiwan that Asians can be class consensus maybe this is what’s coming into play?By far the majority of Filipinos in the US and in Philippines have been sincerely polite and respectful to my wife and I. Once in awhile we will have an older woman give us the “HATE” face. This is when someone screws their face into an outrageously spiteful vehemently hateful look and hold it at length. I have never seen this anyplace other than in the Philippines. My wife says its crab mentality. Crab culture is real and a Philippines phenomenon. I have never seen it all the years I lived in Taiwan or here in the States. It is rare thankfully as most Filipinos are loving and kind at heart.

[ekimswish]

I understand your take on the fat thing. In African countries, fat is sexy. My take on it before was the fat friends were saying you look healthy. Still.... I like "fit," and my wife likes "fit," so it scared the bejeezus out of me when they tried convincing her to let it go! lol.... It doesn't really bother me when people do or don't say something to my wife about herself, because she's a big girl and can handle herself. It bothers me when she doesn't like going out because of it, but I know her well enough to know that she sometimes puts her thoughts in other people's mouths. She tells me what other people are saying about us over this or that, but it's sometimes just her own insecurities talking. What does bother me is when people say things about my daughters. They're only one and three years old, so leave 'em out of it, ya know? I don't need to defend them for any reason, and I don't think they need to grow up feeling the need to defend themselves either, especially over their skin tone. I know people have made snotty comments about them being too dark, and I told the people who heard it how to respond next time they heard it. For example, if someone says they don't look Canadian, I said to say this: "Yeah? And what do you know about what Canadians look like? Have you ever been to Canada and studied what they look like? No, you haven't because you're too ignorant, and Canada would never want trash like you." The last part is harsh, but whatever. I love Filipinos of all skin tones and ethnicities. But you're right..... they could just be ribbing her in a friendly way, and my wife could just be reacting to it too seriously because of her own issues. I've said as much myself many times.

[Art2ro]

My wife and I pay no attention to such BS coming from your average ignorant Filipino insults or their smart ass remarks! They're just jealous or plain ignorant! Just ignore them or counter attack their remarks where it hurts, that will shut them up when you show them that you will stand your ground! Just avoid an all out brawl, Filipinos fight dirty and foreigners never win!

[Papa Carl]

I agree! I must admit I have found it more here than in say Malaysia, or Thailand. I have heard my wife saying something to her Mum or a relative and cringed! When I ask her why she is saying something so nasty as it is not like her. She says, "that's the way we are to each other here. It doesn't hurt anyone it is just how we talk to each other" This may very well be true, because it does not seem to cause any problems between them, and I have never seen it lead to an argument or fight. Having said this, we don't see what it does to the person on the receiving end when they are at home and alone thinking of what has been said. All I can say is I am glad that (to my knowledge) I have never been on the receiving end of these comments, I am not sure my paper thin ego could handle it all that well!

[ekimswish]

People were calling me Goat... because of the goatee I grew for a few months. I told them it's a compliment Greatest Of All Time (GOAT)