How Do You Deal With Requests For Money?

[Mr Lee]

While I believe this has been discussed before, the topic on how close to live to relatives made me want to discuss it more in depth. Each of us has our own ways, and I have already listed my horror stories in the past so I will not bore you with them again, but most were my own fault for being too generous at the beginning of my marriage because seeing how my wifes family lived really hurt me and I wanted to make a difference, yet after many years of trying to do so, including sending 6 nieces and nephews to college, only for them to have wasted the money, I woke up and now only give in real emergencies and only in those that we can confirm by phone or by a trusted relative. My wife and I do buy them sack so rice and give second hand clothing to the family, but money has been totally cut off except for real emergencies, yet my wifes parents are both deceased, so I feel the financial obligation would have only been to them and not to everyone else. Why do I say obligation, because my wife was working when I met her and she was helping her father and family out with her earnings, so I feel it would only be right to continue replacing her salary, but that is me, and we each have different ways of dealing with issues, so I was wondering if any of us can learn from each others ways? So anyone wish to tell us how you handle the often insatiable money requests?

[Inspector]

I moved far away, FAR away, and give an allowance to my better half. She can do as she wants with it, but I still spoil her by taking her out to a dinner, movie...dancing (yes, I can groove and move to a fast tune) and of course, another pair of shoes for her growing collection. IOW, "in other words" for those who do not know what IOW means, I still buy her the needs and do as any good husband/good BF would do...while giving her a small allowance to do as SHE wants, which she uses half to send to her mom. That is ALL I will help....unless of course there was an emergency, that did not consist of a gambling debt or a sober uncle that hated being that way. The families here are simply WAY too large to manage any reasonable help...there is NO WAY I would ever send nieces and nephews of a family in the philippines to school...it's simply too many to give, and far too risky with having to then give all. Also, one might make it and end up as a nurse in Texas which is fine, supporting 25 others in her home country, but to me...that support is just contributing to the main problem here. The Philippines needs to build their OWN middle class, or they soon will be part of China. :photo-109:Sorry, straying....BTW Lee....your past mistakes and how you were screwed are great advice, so you never bore with that one. Other stories yes, hehehe...but that one story is an allowed replay. I know cause I have used it to show others. :AddEmoticons04230:So, my advice is....ALLOWANCE, and say no or go.

Edited May 31, 2011 by Inspector

[Papa Carl]

While I believe this has been discussed before, the topic on how close to live to relatives made me want to discuss it more in depth. Each of us has our own ways, and I have already listed my horror stories in the past so I will not bore you with them again, but most were my own fault for being too generous at the beginning of my marriage because seeing how my wifes family lived really hurt me and I wanted to make a difference, yet after many years of trying to do so, including sending 6 nieces and nephews to college, only for them to have wasted the money, I woke up and now only give in real emergencies and only in those that we can confirm by phone or by a trusted relative. My wife and I do buy them sack so rice and give second hand clothing to the family, but money has been totally cut off except for real emergencies, yet my wifes parents are both deceased, so I feel the financial obligation would have only been to them and not to everyone else. Why do I say obligation, because my wife was working when I met her and she was helping her father and family out with her earnings, so I feel it would only be right to continue replacing her salary, but that is me, and we each have different ways of dealing with issues, so I was wondering if any of us can learn from each others ways? So anyone wish to tell us how you handle the often insatiable money requests?

It never ends, no matter the circumstances I am in, that relatives expect to be helped, usually with money first. I too am learning not to give money, however it is much easier now that I have none to give! This however does not stop them from asking as they do not believe that I am broke and behind in my rent and about to be kicked out of our house.When money ran out, it was easier to simply have them stay with us, however this too has simply meant that we have run out of money even faster, as they eat, drink, use electric, water, toothpaste, soap, laundry etc etc. I know this sounds like I am being very picky, and had we not been in the crisis we are now in, I am sure I would not be thinking about it, but things are what they are. Thankfully it is my wife who is waking up before me, and taking action to curb this.As has been said before, when you marry a Filipina, you marry her family as well. Obviously for some of us, to a far greater degree than others.Papa Carl

[ekimswish]

Fortunately - ?! - my wife is from a broken family, so her family isn't so large. Her brother went off to fend for himself as a struggling tech-geek and still denies any offer of assistance. Her father is the same as the brother, but spends his time trying to lead a community of squatters in a legal war over land on top of some hill. Someone tried to kill him the other day with a bolo, apparently, and that would piss me off from a financial point of view. I couldn't afford a funeral right now. Her mom has a pension and often ends up helping us, no matter how little. Her aunt is deceased and never married or had children. We buy meds for her uncles diabetes and stuff, but it's cheap, and we'll need his good-will later when the land titles are divided up. Her sister tries to scam us for money every year, but ironically, she lives as an OFW in Palau, and I tell her we can't help her, which is the truth. It's always a scam. She never sends money to help anyone, so why help her? Actually, my mother-in-law told me her parents were rumored to be gay, hence why they only had 3 kids and not 12. It's weird living in a small town though, because everyone's "related," even if they're not sure how. I was a little insecure of this one handsome worker guy hanging around our house, helping with the pigs, and various landscaping chores. I told my wife if anything happened between them, I'd have to come back and kill the whole damn town (with slight exaggeration). She became disgusted and told me he's her cousin! Then I remembered that, yeah, they were cousins. My bad. Ah well.... At least he works for his money.

[Art2ro]

While I believe this has been discussed before, the topic on how close to live to relatives made me want to discuss it more in depth. Each of us has our own ways, and I have already listed my horror stories in the past so I will not bore you with them again, but most were my own fault for being too generous at the beginning of my marriage because seeing how my wifes family lived really hurt me and I wanted to make a difference, yet after many years of trying to do so, including sending 6 nieces and nephews to college, only for them to have wasted the money, I woke up and now only give in real emergencies and only in those that we can confirm by phone or by a trusted relative. My wife and I do buy them sack so rice and give second hand clothing to the family, but money has been totally cut off except for real emergencies, yet my wifes parents are both deceased, so I feel the financial obligation would have only been to them and not to everyone else. Why do I say obligation, because my wife was working when I met her and she was helping her father and family out with her earnings, so I feel it would only be right to continue replacing her salary, but that is me, and we each have different ways of dealing with issues, so I was wondering if any of us can learn from each others ways? So anyone wish to tell us how you handle the often insatiable money requests?

It never ends, no matter the circumstances I am in, that relatives expect to be helped, usually with money first. I too am learning not to give money, however it is much easier now that I have none to give! This however does not stop them from asking as they do not believe that I am broke and behind in my rent and about to be kicked out of our house.When money ran out, it was easier to simply have them stay with us, however this too has simply meant that we have run out of money even faster, as they eat, drink, use electric, water, toothpaste, soap, laundry etc etc. I know this sounds like I am being very picky, and had we not been in the crisis we are now in, I am sure I would not be thinking about it, but things are what they are. Thankfully it is my wife who is waking up before me, and taking action to curb this.As has been said before, when you marry a Filipina, you marry her family as well. Obviously for some of us, to a far greater degree than others.Papa Carl

Fortunately for me, when my wife got her U.S. citizenship, she immediately petitioned for both her parents to immigrate to California. After her parents got to know their way around and had their own transportation, they were both able to find work! They both worked enough years to qualify for their Social Security benefits and retire! They are now both in their early 70s and are now retired, but her Dad continues to work part time, because he enjoys working at age 72. So no, I don't have anymore money requests, because I was the one who initially provided all their needs until they became independent, it took awhile, but the end result was worth it! Now they are both retired in the U.S., with their youngest daughter living with them and working full time! My wife and I are both retired here in the Philippines! Life is grand when a plan comes together in the end! No, her parents have no plans in retiring here in the Philippines or even come for a visit, because they have everything they need in the U.S.! Edited May 31, 2011 by Art2ro

[Old55]

Before you marry a Filipina get to know her family well. If her family is in dire circumstances you must ask yourself some questions and make choices are you willing to support them? Are you truly able to support them? How did they get by before you got involved? Is your girls love for you or for what you can provide her family? In Asian culture a “dutiful daughter” is very common even expected.Before you marry a Filipina you, your wife to be and her family must agree to clearly detailed guidelines to do with support or no support.

[Papa Carl]

While I believe this has been discussed before, the topic on how close to live to relatives made me want to discuss it more in depth. Each of us has our own ways, and I have already listed my horror stories in the past so I will not bore you with them again, but most were my own fault for being too generous at the beginning of my marriage because seeing how my wifes family lived really hurt me and I wanted to make a difference, yet after many years of trying to do so, including sending 6 nieces and nephews to college, only for them to have wasted the money, I woke up and now only give in real emergencies and only in those that we can confirm by phone or by a trusted relative. My wife and I do buy them sack so rice and give second hand clothing to the family, but money has been totally cut off except for real emergencies, yet my wifes parents are both deceased, so I feel the financial obligation would have only been to them and not to everyone else. Why do I say obligation, because my wife was working when I met her and she was helping her father and family out with her earnings, so I feel it would only be right to continue replacing her salary, but that is me, and we each have different ways of dealing with issues, so I was wondering if any of us can learn from each others ways? So anyone wish to tell us how you handle the often insatiable money requests?

It never ends, no matter the circumstances I am in, that relatives expect to be helped, usually with money first. I too am learning not to give money, however it is much easier now that I have none to give! This however does not stop them from asking as they do not believe that I am broke and behind in my rent and about to be kicked out of our house.When money ran out, it was easier to simply have them stay with us, however this too has simply meant that we have run out of money even faster, as they eat, drink, use electric, water, toothpaste, soap, laundry etc etc. I know this sounds like I am being very picky, and had we not been in the crisis we are now in, I am sure I would not be thinking about it, but things are what they are. Thankfully it is my wife who is waking up before me, and taking action to curb this.As has been said before, when you marry a Filipina, you marry her family as well. Obviously for some of us, to a far greater degree than others.Papa Carl

Fortunately for me, when my wife got her U.S. citizenship, she immediately petitioned for both her parents to immigrate to California. After her parents got to know their way around and had their own transportation, they were both able to find work! They both worked enough years to qualify for their Social Security benefits and retire! They are now both in their early 70s and are now retired, but her Dad continues to work part time, because he enjoys working at age 72. So no, I don't have anymore money requests, because I was the one who initially provided all their needs until they became independent, it took awhile, but the end result was worth it! Now they are both retired in the U.S., with their youngest daughter living with them and working full time! My wife and I are both retired here in the Philippines! Life is grand when a plan comes together in the end! No, her parents have no plans in retiring here in the Philippines or even come for a visit, because they have everything they need in the U.S.!

Art, I bow to your wisdom and good fortune. I know now (as is usually the case after the fact) I certainly would have done things differently. I am fortunate that I have such a good and understanding wife. We will get through this, I still have much to learn.Papa Carl

[Jim Sibbick]

My thoughtsI will give money for emergencies but not all that is required. Others have to make an effort too!For business requests, ask them to show how the business will make money. This usually makes it easy to show how it will not. For non emergency requests for money, tell them they will have to work for it. Something along the lines of...I had to work hard for my money, if you want some of it, you will have to work too!There is always something to do. Some suggestions:-- drive the car- maintenance on the car- maintenance on the house- baby sitter- wash the clothes- cook meals- building project- work in the family business- massageand moreMy favourite is massage!It is surprising how many don't need money if they have to work for it. If you decide to give money, never call it a loan. Say it is a gift. That way, there is no loss of face when the money is not repaid.Regards: Jim Sibbick

[Inspector]

Just give them money. Serious. How much should be the topic.You marry a pinay, you marry her family. And we are not talking a mother and father, we are talking 100 nieces and nephews and a thousand cousins. Just pay up, it is part of culture and why they were talking to you in the first place, from snail or email...to chatting. It's your money they like, and the fact that you can take care of their families, in many different ways (another topic). Can they fall in love with you?..yeah, there is always a slim chance, but the starting basis of ANY relationship with a foreigner and a pinay is the fact you have money. Think about it...why do the upper class filipino's discourage a family member from marrying a foreigner?You have money, and if you do not give any to the family....and trust me, all the married ones do in some way....you simply would not be of any interest to the filipina in the first place. On topic, and real. They do know the difference between Brad Pitt and Porky Corky...and your white skin is not as alluring as that fat wallet.

[piglett]

Just give them money. Serious. How much should be the topic.You marry a pinay, you marry her family. And we are not talking a mother and father, we are talking 100 nieces and nephews and a thousand cousins. Just pay up, it is part of culture and why they were talking to you in the first place, from snail or email...to chatting. It's your money they like, and the fact that you can take care of their families, in many different ways (another topic). Can they fall in love with you?..yeah, there is always a slim chance, but the starting basis of ANY relationship with a foreigner and a pinay is the fact you have money. Think about it...why do the upper class filipino's discourage a family member from marrying a foreigner?You have money, and if you do not give any to the family....and trust me, all the married ones do in some way....you simply would not be of any interest to the filipina in the first place. On topic, and real. They do know the difference between Brad Pitt and Porky Corky...and your white skin is not as alluring as that fat wallet.

ok time to stop hiding your real feelings on the subject , give it to us straight :) :) :) piglett