The Family Tax

[FutureRetiree]

Hello All, When I say the family tax.....I mean family members coming to the "rich" American asking for help for this or that. How common is it? Does it depend on the family? How are foreigners that refuse to help looked upon by the family? Again, does it depend on the family? We (my wife and I) currently send money on a monthly basis to her mother to assist with living expenses for the family. My fear is that if and when we decided to move back to the Philippines, the open hands of family members will come to visit and have requests for needs to fill on a regular basis. I want to be able to retire and live comfortable, being able to save and travel a bit. I don't want to have to constantly fend off family that thinks the American can solve all their financial needs. Any thoughts?Yes, my wife and I have discussed this at length and she knows and understands my concerns. I don't want to strain our relationship this way and I don't want to find myself in an uncomfortable position with the family. I don't want her to be put in the position of always being pulled both ways, one way by her family asking and the other way by my refusal. I have her opinions, but I am just looking for outside opinions. :)Thanks in advance!Scott To the moderators.....I just saw the same type of post in another area. Sorry for the clutter! Please feel free to delete this thread.Scott

Edited July 10, 2011 by Kuya Lee
combine posts

[Mr Lee]

Hello All, When I say the family tax.....I mean family members coming to the "rich" American asking for help for this or that. How common is it? Does it depend on the family? How are foreigners that refuse to help looked upon by the family? Again, does it depend on the family? We (my wife and I) currently send money on a monthly basis to her mother to assist with living expenses for the family. My fear is that if and when we decided to move back to the Philippines, the open hands of family members will come to visit and have requests for needs to fill on a regular basis. I want to be able to retire and live comfortable, being able to save and travel a bit. I don't want to have to constantly fend off family that thinks the American can solve all their financial needs. Any thoughts?Yes, my wife and I have discussed this at length and she knows and understands my concerns. I don't want to strain our relationship this way and I don't want to find myself in an uncomfortable position with the family. I don't want her to be put in the position of always being pulled both ways, one way by her family asking and the other way by my refusal. I have her opinions, but I am just looking for outside opinions. :)Thanks in advance!Scott To the moderators.....I just saw the same type of post in another area. Sorry for the clutter! Please feel free to delete this thread.Scott

Scott, no need for us to delete your post since each topic is different yet in many ways the same, but we all need answers and your question expands on some that have already been asked. It is my opinion that a lot of us set our own pace (I know I did) at the very beginning of our relationships, by giving too much to our ladies and possibly to our new family and then once we are married, it is no longer a dating relationship, so somehow we end up cutting back on the gifts. Of course this is not true of all of you, but it was partially true of myself because I had no idea of how little a poor person might make in the Philippines, so I was overly generous and that caused me problems later on, but upon retiring, I informed my wife to inform her family that since I would no longer be working, the goose that laid the golden egg had passed on and that we would still do our best to help, but we would no longer be able to afford to help as much, so now it is mostly food and used clothing which we often get for free from friends anyway, and we take care of REAL emergencies when we can afford to, or with as much as we can afford to help, so to answer your question, our family seems to understand for the most part. added, my advice would be to set a limit that you give your wife monthly, and all emergencies and requests would have to channel to her and come out of that money, so it would then be up to her to deal with it.

[FutureRetiree]

Hello All,When I say the family tax.....I mean family members coming to the "rich" American asking for help for this or that. How common is it? Does it depend on the family? How are foreigners that refuse to help looked upon by the family? Again, does it depend on the family? We (my wife and I) currently send money on a monthly basis to her mother to assist with living expenses for the family. My fear is that if and when we decided to move back to the Philippines, the open hands of family members will come to visit and have requests for needs to fill on a regular basis. I want to be able to retire and live comfortable, being able to save and travel a bit. I don't want to have to constantly fend off family that thinks the American can solve all their financial needs. Any thoughts?Yes, my wife and I have discussed this at length and she knows and understands my concerns. I don't want to strain our relationship this way and I don't want to find myself in an uncomfortable position with the family. I don't want her to be put in the position of always being pulled both ways, one way by her family asking and the other way by my refusal. I have her opinions, but I am just looking for outside opinions. :)Thanks in advance!ScottTo the moderators.....I just saw the same type of post in another area. Sorry for the clutter! Please feel free to delete this thread.Scott

Scott, no need for us to delete your post since each topic is different yet in many ways the same, but we all need answers and your question expands on some that have already been asked.It is my opinion that a lot of us set our own pace (I know I did) at the very beginning of our relationships, by giving too much to our ladies and possibly to our new family and then once we are married, it is no longer a dating relationship, so somehow we end up cutting back on the gifts. Of course this is not true of all of you, but it was partially true of myself because I had no idea of how little a poor person might make in the Philippines, so I was overly generous and that caused me problems later on, but upon retiring, I informed my wife to inform her family that since I would no longer be working, the goose that laid the golden egg had passed on and that we would still do our best to help, but we would no longer be able to afford to help as much, so now it is mostly food and used clothing which we often get for free from friends anyway, and we take care of REAL emergencies when we can afford to, or with as much as we can afford to help, so to answer your question, our family seems to understand for the most part. added, my advice would be to set a limit that you give your wife monthly, and all emergencies and requests would have to channel to her and come out of that money, so it would then be up to her to deal with it.

Thanks Kuya Lee! I appreciate your input. My concern comes from the fact that at the moment my wife is working and any money sent to her family comes from her employment. When I retire, should we decide to move back to the Phils, she will likely not be working there and my retirement income will be less than when I was working. I was just curious what the thoughts were about the "just say no" attitude. Since we have helped them a lot in the past, will I become the bad guy if the budget is cut. We will not be living a lavish life there ourselves. I guess it all comes down to communication. I have said no before and for the most part the wife and family have accepted it. I just have visions of extended family coming for a "visit" to ask for help on a frequent basis, but maybe its not really that bad.Thanks again!Scott

[Call me bubba]

Since i am not as "rich" or well off as 95% of the forum members, what i have done, is to help when i can, I have tried/suggested that they "PLAN" for the future . As in SSS.Philhealth so they will have something. ,BUT to this date they have not contributed , ( i have even offered to pay part of the contribution) I have in the past bought food,medicines.Vitamins even prepay on the electric as my assistance, BUT for the "major" expenses, They will have to go to PGH or local hospital... I have tried for them to be prepared, BUT.. i am not rich to send any of my partners nieces.nephews etc etc to school BUT my offer is /was/ if they will save any money for their expenses. I will match it (2x or 3x) to this date,,, I have had no response . guess its called "TOUGH LOVE" if they have money to buy beer.drink. then they have money for their personal expenses... Again to this date, they have not asked for anything, .as i stated earlier, I will buy food stuffs,Vitamins, Shoes for school.personal items for household..BUT NEVER for any medical or "LOANS" *(as they have not tried to prepare.or help themselves )Tough love? POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE, IS HELP THEM TO HELP THEMSELVES, be Sufficient without outside assistance , how did they survive before I/you came into their life? so i guess i am just as lucky as others here ,when i am not burden with helping others.(family)*

Edited July 11, 2011 by ed villas

[Old55]

It’s best if your wife is the one to step up and announce your boundaries (spelling?) to the entire family. This should specifically include visits, requests, emergencies and invitations’. Ed makes some very good suggestions!

[Art2ro]

Since i am not as "rich" or well off as 95% of the forum members, what i have done, is to help when i can, I have tried/suggested that they "PLAN" for the future . As in SSS.Philhealth so they will have something. ,BUT to this date they have not contributed , I have in the past bought food,medicines.Vitamins even prepay on the electric as my assistance, BUT for the "major" expenses, They will have to go to PGH or local hospital... I have tried for them to be prepared, BUT.. i am not rich to send any of my partners nieces.nephews etc etc to school BUT my offer is /was/ if they will save any money for their expenses. I will match it (2x or 3x) to this date,,, I have had no response . guess its called "TOUGH LOVE" if they have money to buy beer.drink. then they have money for their personal expenses... Again to this date, they have not asked for anything, .as i stated earlier, I will buy food stuffs,Vitamins, Shoes for school.personal items for household..BUT NEVER for any medical or "LOANS" *(as they have not tried to prepare.or help themselves )Tough love? POINT I AM TRYING TO MAKE, IS HELP THEM TO HELP THEMSELVES, be Sufficient without outside assistance , how did they survive before I/you came into their life? so i guess i am just as lucky as others here when i am not burden with helping others.(family)*

Ed, Good one! What I did was, " IS HELP THEM TO HELP THEMSELVES"! I got my in-laws to the U.S. as soon my wife got her U.S. Citizenship so she could initiate their immigrant visas! Both her parents were in their early 50s when they arrived in the U.S. and were well able to work still until Social Security minimum age of 62! Things worked out great! They are now retired in the U.S., but still working part time because they still enjoy working in their early 70s and my wife and I are totally retired in the Philippines for 12 yrs now! We don't have a lot of relatives left in the Philippines asking for help or hand outs anymore and none of them lives with us, it's just the two of us in our home! Life is grand when a plan comes together after 20 years dealing with the extended family! Yeah, it took that long for them to become Independent and on their own, but at least my plan worked in the end! I won't even mention what I spent in all those years, because I knew deep down it would work out eventually and it has, it was money well spent! Edited July 11, 2011 by Art2ro

[Mr Lee]

Thanks Kuya Lee! I appreciate your input. My concern comes from the fact that at the moment my wife is working and any money sent to her family comes from her employment. When I retire, should we decide to move back to the Phils, she will likely not be working there and my retirement income will be less than when I was working. I was just curious what the thoughts were about the "just say no" attitude. Since we have helped them a lot in the past, will I become the bad guy if the budget is cut. We will not be living a lavish life there ourselves. I guess it all comes down to communication. I have said no before and for the most part the wife and family have accepted it. I just have visions of extended family coming for a "visit" to ask for help on a frequent basis, but maybe its not really that bad.Thanks again!Scott

Another thing I can recommend which also does not apply to all families but my wife and I felt best for us and many others, living far enough away that they cannot drop in all the time. Live in a condo or a gated community where they cannot drop in unannounced. To date none have tried to just drop in on us without advanced permission because we live high up in a condo, so most are intimidated by all the security and it seems many are afraid of the elevators and heights. Dropping in can be a very real problem because that is the custom, and some of our nieces with their young children have dropped in on my sister-in-law and stayed months and become a heavy burden on them, so I did not wish it to happen to us, and besides that I like my privacy. Scott, I believe you may have it worse because of what you stated above, so IMO start to taper off ASAP and have your wife set aside some of her salary for the families future. My wife is one of thirteen with eleven still alive, and both her parents had passed on before we married, so I feel our obligation would have only been to her parents, so therefore what we do/did for her brothers and sisters was because we want/wanted to, and what we do for our extended family when they have real emergencies is also for the same reasons. I feel we are blessed and unfortunately they are not for the most part, as most are just poor people. Where your family stands in way of their own income will determine what their future needs might be. So my advice would be to start setting the parameters now, be it one hundred a month or whatever you feel you will be able to afford pretty much forever, or until the situation changes, such as when a parent passes on. Your worries are/can be real, so it will all depend on your wife and them, because having the rug pulled out from under any of us will be a lifestyle changing experience, so your cutting off funds all at once IMO is not a good idea, so again it is my opinion to start to taper them off now. Edited July 11, 2011 by Kuya Lee

[lou]

I give my gf 10,000p per month to do with as she pleases. She can spend it or save it or burn it but of course she gives it to her family. I told her very firmly that that is all there is. Never ask for more. Budget wisely. That works for me. If they need something they ask her.

[Travis]

I give my gf 10,000p per month to do with as she pleases. She can spend it or save it or burn it but of course she gives it to her family. I told her very firmly that that is all there is. Never ask for more. Budget wisely. That works for me. If they need something they ask her.

very generous

[scott h]

Scott. I am familiar with the family tax also, even before we move. We give the normal Xmas, Bday, Graduation presents in $ as is customary. Plus we add a little something every so often for special occassions. We have been asked to "sponser" the Barangay festival in the past which we were proud to do and to take part in the Sunduan (spelling).However it really hit very recently. We just sold our house here in the states in preparation for our move and put the equity in the bank. Not two days later my wifes brother called and asked that we take over the payments on a van to assist him in a "buisness scheme" In otherwords we buy the van, pay for the maint. He gets to use it and keep the profits lolol.My Asawa, firmly and resolutly said "NO"! hopefully this will set a precident that we will not be a soft touch upon our arrival.